Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

How dare the bride and groom decide who they want to come to the wedding they’re paying for?

This is really weird. I wonder if you should show your husband and son this. Surly they can't be that clueless why you would feel hurt. 1 for not getting invited to the actual wedding itself and 2 what about your other son?
I'd not go and sod them all. They (either BIL or future SIL) obviously don't see you or your older son as proper family. Has anything like this happened before? Or could it just be the bride to be not understanding the family.

And ask a husband to hide his invitation from his wife?

Do they also expect OP's husband and son to lie about there whereabouts on the wedding day? Perhaps they were supposed to say they were off to a football match? Dressed in suits? Or, sneak their wedding attire out?
Surely this is absolutely outrageous?

At 26, I wouldnt expect eldest son to be included in your invitation, but get one of his own plus one if numbers allow.
I would expect yourself, husband and son 19 to be invited to same times, so either all to ceremony and reception, or all just to reception. As it's husbands brother, I would expect your unit to be higher in guest list than others if its a numbers issue. Ultimately though, it's the couples day, and if they feel that they are closer to other guests then it's their prerogative to invite who they please.
A great philosophy for couples planning a wedding was told to me- invite who you wish to spend time celebrating your nuptials over those who you think you should invite.

Save yourself a lot of expense by suddenly realising that you all have a previous engagement on that day. BIL is a moron .

I agree with your Husband.
You're invited to the fun bit. The bit that costs money. The bit that most people usually get annoyed about not being invited to when they just get the evening invite.
The actual ceremony is just the formality. A massive build up to hear two people repeat some pre determined and pre authorised words that sound all romantic but are generic and spoken by thousands each ceremony. You've hit the jackpot. Wave them off in the morning, get ready on your own and turn up in time for prosecco and food.
Banging.

I might be wrong but I read it as the BIL asked OPs DH not to say anything before the invitations went out, rather than never mention it and sneak off to watch him get married. OP has been invited to the reception so obviously she's going to be aware that there is a wedding happening before it.

They can chose to be ignorant fuckwits if they want to and I never implied otherwise.

Other people can do the right thing and not go along with their ignorant fuckwittery. That's how it works.

As stated, OP's husband knows they are being deliberately exclusionary and offensive, and he will either choose to do the right thing and not go or insist his wife goes, or they will have problems.

He gets to do the wrong thing. She gets to react as she pleases. The bride and groomzilla get to the wrong thing. Other people dont have to go along with it.

Not complicated at all.

When I read this kind of thread, because they sound pretty weird, I always assume there is some sort of huge back story to it all. I’m assuming OP may be only telling us what she wants us to hear - a very one sided story. Probably a lot of context missing…

Why is anything a universal rule? It just is. Husbands and wives are always expected to be invited to things like weddings together. Fact. Discussions and exceptions are always up to the individual, of course. But yep, it is a completely normal and accepted expectation.

If you are fine with not following that accepted social rule of etiquette that is up to you.

OP feels offended and excluded, because she has been. She's not fine with it, and her husband understands why and is apparently ok with excluding and offending his wife, so she has a husband problem.

She sounds perfectly calm, reasonable and coherent and said nice things about them. Yes, there may be a back story, but based on what we've got she's in the right and her husband her bil are in the wrong.

It seems that these three men have a close relationship which they value and also very little tact or consideration for others.

I would be very hurt!

What no he didn't. He sent the invites at the same time. He told his brother earlier and asked him not the tell anyone. The brother assumed that excluded his wife, and the BIL assumed that included his wife. I've seen similar discussion on that same topic on here plenty of times (although generally when a friend has told a friend something and she's then told her husband).

Oh God lord, they have been invited together to what sounds like a 3 day event. She's just not invited to the 30 minute ceremony part because numbers are limited and he's included the people closest to him to that small part.

I can understand only DH being invited to ceremony if they are having a tiny ceremony with only very close family ( aka parents and siblings) and it was carefully and sensitively explained ahead of invites going out. What I can’t get my head around is OP’s son making the list but not her. If a line has to be drawn somewhere it either includes only siblings, or siblings and their wives/ husbands, once you start inviting nephews you need to include sisters in law before this widening of the net. Incredibly poor form from BIL. If eldest son is no longer living at home that could explain that omission.

Do you genuinely not know that that’s really rude?

If numbers were limited, why not invite her and her DH and exclude her son for the ceremony. That would seem the obvious choice.

I'm also interested in if the other SIL has been invited to the ceremony or not.

What I can’t get my head around is OP’s son making the list but not her. If a line has to be drawn somewhere it either includes only siblings, or siblings and their wives/ husbands, once you start inviting nephews you need to include sisters in law before this widening of the net. Incredibly poor form from BIL.

Exactly. The wife is not the obvious candidate to cut.

It sort of makes it look as if it was done on blood relations which is quite offensive to OP.

Oh Good Lord, you couldn't overturn the fact that it is indeed a standard rule, so now you're trying to minimise.

She's been deliberately excluded and it's offensive to her. You trying to minimise it doesn't alter that reality.

Yes, it would be less of a horrible move if it is men only attending - although that does speak strongly of misogyny (and still shows deliberate exclusion of his step son).

But at least then she'd know it was a universal "we're dicks to women" rule, not just a deliberate and offensive exclusion of the OP.

It would be interesting to know if there are any women going to the ceremony, yes.

Not sure you can stop people from attending wedding ceremonies? I thought they were all public by law ?

Would you really turn up at a wedding you were very deliberately not invited to? That would be a grim morning all round.

I get that many people do seem to think it's a universal rule - I personally don't think relationship titles should take precedent over actual relationships. And the BIL has a closer relationship with OPs son - so I personally would support his decision to celebrate his wedding in the way he has chosen instead of trying to cause stress and make it about me because 'brother's wife' not 'brother's son'.