Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

I disagree, DH should be handling his brother on your behalf.

You don't think that one, not being alllowed to tell your wife the news, and two not being invited to the marriage ceremony, might be something the BiL should have the guts to tell the OP if it was just because there wasn't enough room? :D

No not at all. I can't for a second imagine making someone else's wedding choices about myself to the extent the OP has.

It’s a bit odd, but as they’ve invited you to the expensive bit I’d assume this is a capacity issue and they just want a small ceremony with immediate family and their kids and then a big party. I get why that is upsetting in relation to your older son, maybe less so for you if your sil is also not invited. But I’d be asking questions first off, not saying the also should miss the actual wedding.

Just wanted to hop on to say: I find the fact anyone could behave in this way incredibly flabbergasting. Also, who are the 20% who think this is OK!!!

I don’t think he has to go speak to everyone personally no.

This

It's wrong but better to just sick it up, and cause an issue between husband and his brother. Making him choose ain't going to end well

If decline for me and you get ds. DH can do as he pleases but I'd be pretty pissed off if he chose to go after me and elder DS had been excluded. I'd certainly refuse him entry to my home in future.

Why are all the men in these situations so pathetic?

Or husbands family know OP's penchant for drama?

handling his brother?!🤨

If I had a SIL as pushy and entitled as the OP sounds, I'd of arranged to elope.

I would feel embarrassed to go somewhere I knew I wasn't wanted. I absolutely wouldn't go if I was the older son and the invitation had been issued because my mother insisted my stepfather made it happen. Is OP going to cover the cost for her son and his partner to attend? I can't imagine dictating how other people spend their money.

In relation to the registry office, you're really not missing out on anything - it's just admin nothing like a church wedding with music and singing etc. I personally wouldn't worry about that - it gives you a lie-in and more time to get ready etc.

This!!

When I married DH, we did it at the registry office first and we spent more time waiting for our turn than the actual ceremony which wasn’t even five minutes. Took us longer to
fill out paperwork than the ceremony. Unsurprising since there were many others getting married.

If they only have the really tiny space (there’s a 6 person including the couple where we live) that would be a reasonable excuse, if it seats more than 12 then unless you don’t get along with them you should have made the cut

The groom expected OP's husband to keep a secret about the wedding from the OP. That sounds quite exclusionary to me. And the OP IS offended.

I wouldn’t even respond.

First post mostly nails it. Although it would also be ok if it had just been the husband and wife being invited, and no adult children.

There is no way around this, it is a deliberate slight and must be treated as such by your husband. Otherwise, a divorce is on the cards anyway.

Yeah, how weird.

I got together with my husband when our kids were all young adults, the youngest of the 4 (two each) was 16 at the time and living with her mum (I had nothing to do with their divorce and had been separated from my ex for three years when we met, he was a few months single).

Anyway, we didn't have a lot of the issues people with younger kids do, but my step kids did have a habit of saying "Don't tell anybody else I said this but" and trying to involve him in a bit of a triangle of secrets. It wasn't really malicious, but I could see where it was heading and he would tell me anyway and then tell me what they had said about not telling anyone. I insisted that he tell them "We do not keep secrets from one another. If you are telling me you are telling (my name) too." There is no way I was trying to juggle the mess that would inevitably have ensued at some point.

Asking someone to keep a secret from their spouse is absolutely NOT on. Not all. Possible exceptions would be planning a surprise party etc.

It's fine if people WANT to keep secrets from their husband/wife - that's up to them, I am not dictating anybody else's boundaries within a marriage. But it is NEVER ok to ask them to do so for anything other than a very lighthearted reason.

And it is frankly fucking bonkers, exclusionary, offensive and malicious to ask a man not to tell his wife his brother is getting married.

OP is quite correct in everything she says here, she does not sound pushy or dramatic at all, and anybody claiming otherwise is clearly the ignoramus of a brother, or someone trolling, or a similar ignoramus.

Sorry your husband is allowing them to do this to you and his step son. You do have a husband problem.

Not sure why people are pretending not to get that there ARE two people invited into the small, large or medium space (nobody knows) - OP is not one of them. And, of course, the invitation should have been extended ONLY to her OP and her husband if only two could go.

It's not complicated at all. It's a deliberate slight. Her husband must rectify. End.

I feel so hurt and upset for you. The key in all this is: HAS THE OTHER SIL BEEN INVITED? and have their children been invited? If yes, then I wouldn’t be going. It’s hurtful and cruel. I would go silent on the matter, walk out the room if anyone mentions the wedding, and give son and husband the silent treatment.
If she hasn’t been invited then speak to her and see how she’s feeling. You could both band together and keep each other company in the hotel while the men have their meal together (bloody weird) and while the ceremony is going on. Or you both refuse to go.
It sounds like your BIL, your DH and DS are all misogynistic idiots who all think women are second class citizens.
This would be a huge deal for me and I’d certainly be threatening DH with divorce. He should be loyal and supportive of you.

Why is this a universal rule? My teenage son is way closer to my SIL, his aunty p, than I am. They have shared interests, often chat on the phone and catch up. If she ever decides to get married and has a restricted numbers ceremony I'd be shocked if DH and I were invited instead of DS and be perfectly happy if it was DH and DS instead. And the OP has said her DS does spend more time with her BIL than she does. I'd just enjoy some extra drinks whilst the 30 minute ceremony takes place! Really can't see the big deal.

"Asking someone to keep a secret from their spouse is absolutely NOT on. Not all. Possible exceptions would be planning a surprise party etc."

This bit has been spectacularly ignored by many.