Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

I think her behaviour might be giving us a clue.

Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise, or they hadn't told their kids yet. At this point he might not even have proposed. Their could be lots of reasons

He hasnt proposed but he's sending our invites.... The reaching on this thread to defend the BIL is pretty impressive.

If he hadn't even proposed then he couldn't tell his brother he was getting married 😂😂😂.

@Frasierfan I think you're on a hiding to nothing expecting BIL to invite your older son - he's already shown his colours by not including him in things previously. If by 24 the BIL doesn't consider him family, what is realistically likely to happen at this point to change that? And honestly - I'll bet your son doesn't care anywhere near as much as you do. I'm not saying you're being unreasonable to be sad things weren't different.

Every family has a 'culture' - it feels like there's a big old culture clash going on here on a lot of levels.

I wonder why bil didn't talk with you about the wedding before sending out invitations?
Why invite your dh and son? Surely it is you two as a couple.
Why separate invitations?
Bil sounds a nasty person.
I think your DH has a few decisions to make. He needs to talk to his brother. This sounds very much how I was treated by my ex husband's family. Note - ex.
I'm not saying you should divorce but you do need to have a frank discussion.
My lovely DH has 5 children and as far as I am concerned they are all part of our family. I do not differentiate between "his" children and "mine".

I don't think this is as big a deal as you're making it. Would you really be very sad to miss the ceremony or are you feeling snubbed?

Maybe he just arrogantly assumed she'd say yes 🤣 it makes more sense than them already being engaged and him wanting it to be a secret. Unless he wanted the invites to be a big surprise and he was disappointed his brother ruined it.

If it is a small register office wedding, it is not unusual to have only a few guests to the actual wedding but splash out on the reception.

I thought what user suggested above but you can, presumably, find out if that is indeed the case.

I'm very sorry your older son is not invited, maybe that is an oversight or perhaps an invitation to the reception has been sent to him at his home.

Remember, this is not just your brother in law's gig, his fiancee will be having a say in it.

This is a difficult one to unpick without knowing those involved and witnessing the dybnamics of the different relationships.

Good luck.

It sounds like your husband's family is very male dominated, with the men being the centre of attention and the women are an afterthought. Has there never been an issue with this before?

I am imagining a registry office full of male relatives and all the women sitting in cars somewhere.

It's ridiculous!

Obviously your husband should not attend the ceremony and just go to the reception with you and younger son.
It's not really reasonable to interrogate your BIL about who is attending what- it's his wedding, so his call, still less to expect your husband to do it. Not inviting your older son is BIL's choice, especially if he doesn't have much of a relationship with him- I certainly wouldn't invite my sister in law's family to my wedding.
It's up to your husband to vote with his feet , and not go to the reception, there is nothing you can reasonably do.

Is this an AI thing - hasn't there been something similar posted yesterday or day before along same lines

I wouldnt go on this basis. All invited or none.

Thats just me though. I am quite stubborn when I feel hurt. And that would hurt me.

I would let DH and DS go if they want to but I would stay home. Would probably see if my elder child wanted to go for dinner or something the same day.

I would expect my DH and DS to only attend the part where I had been invited but I wouldn’t even go being honest. I can be as petty as they come and don’t have the tolerance for this bullshit. It would be a firm no from me. DH could sort out presents and all the other crap expected too. He would also be responsible for explaining why I wasn’t there.

I can't believe what i'm reading tbh! It seems like the bil didn't want you there for whatever reason...you didn't give any past information but what brother would expect that hidden from a sister in law! If that's his start to married life then it's doomed already, you do not just not invite your brothers wife ffs unless you want to cause upset and if your husband goes without you or doesn't ask why they thought this waa appropriate i would be seriously considering my own relationship.
Some of the comments are crazy..oh receptions are small at registry offices! Most have 2 size rooms to cater so thats bull apart from that no decent folk would consider it if you couldn't fit your immediate family which you definatley are. I would be totally embarassed sending out invites like that.
If your husband won't sort it out he needs a head shake, what husband hasn't got their wives back my goodness me. The sheer adacity sending a husband and wife seperate invites and coming into your house asking how you know and who told you after you had congratulated him.
Like i said marriage is a partnership you don't come seperatley you are a unit as 1. Tell him to do 1.

Not as big of a deal! No way just put yourself in her shoes how dam hurtful would that be knowing you weren't good enough to be considered close family to be invited, this isin't a freinds girlfreind its his brothers wife. Believe me once they marry and if a similar situation came up for them they would be upset always the case for these selfish self centered types.

If the BIL was a decent guy and respected his brother’s family unit, how difficult is it to send one invitation and say ‘DB and SIL, we’d love for you to join us on our wedding day; as the ceremony space capacity is limited, we’re only able to have DB and DN join us for this but we can’t wait to celebrate with SIL and DN2 for the main part of our day at the reception’?

This avoids exclusion with separate invitations/non invites and speculation with no explanation. I get these things don’t bother men but it’s the principle; at worst it’s malicious and intentional and at best, it’s thoughtless. OP’s DH and sons should also be more considerate as they may not be hurt but their wife/mother is, so all of these men just need to acknowledge feelings have been hurt and sort it so the whole family can be included.

I think you should ask BIL- when you have cooled off a bit and won’t take his apparent rudeness personally. Yes it could be that it’s a very small registry office if so, fair enough, they are boring anyway. Maybe he has a role for your son to play there. I don’t think it would be fair of you to go defcon1 and for none of your family to go, that’s pretty harsh on your husband. Even if he is lacking in backbone. It’s the BIL’s wedding, and as we are always telling people we like; he doesn’t have to please everyone.
However, leaving out your other son IS rude and you definitely deserve an answer about that. Can he be your plus one for the reception? If not, I’d politely decline on the basis that you have an existing family commitment that you cannot miss, but let your husband and other son go. BIL will look like a knob then, if he hadn’t apologised yet for being so rude in the first place.

I think this is so weird . I really didn’t like my brother in law when I got married , and even then I wouldn’t have ever in a million years considered splitting him up from his wife and children . It’s so hurtful . It’s even more bizarre that your DH doesn’t think it’s odd, and blames you instead!? If it was a capacity thing then they should have nicely explained it. How does your eldest feel about not being invited at all? How mean.
Sorry this isn’t helpful but I completely agree . It’s a lose lose now because even if he were to change it now the hurtful bit has already happened!

The BIL has chosen to have his brothers and nephews at the ceremony part because they are close - going to football and golf etc. The OP thinks the other brothers wife (SIL) is also not invited to the ceremony part but that SIL won't mind. So if OP throws a strop and doesn't attend the rest of the celebrations but SIL happily does - well it doesn't make the marrying BIL look like a knob. It makes the OP look like someone with main character syndrome.

That doesn't explain why they would want to keep it a secret? Or have they not got the balls to say what you suggest.
What a horrible situation all around OP. :(

Does your eldest son still live with you or some distance away - this may be a factor in why your BiL didn't invite him. He may also have decided not to invite him as it would mean inviting his partner and instead invited others closer to him and his soon to be wife. There is a cost factor at the end of the day and you have to draw the line somewhere which means someone's nose will always be out of joint.

In relation to the registry office, you're really not missing out on anything - it's just admin nothing like a church wedding with music and singing etc. I personally wouldn't worry about that - it gives you a lie-in and more time to get ready etc.

Sorry - what are they keeping a secret exactly? Seems BIL told his brother a bit before invites went out and wanted that to be kept quiet - maybe they wanted tge invites to come as a surprise to people- not seeing the big deal with that?
Do most marrying couples have to send out a rationale for their wedding list along with the invites too?

Registrars office may limit people. It’s your husbands brother. He needs to be there. Don’t get your panties in a bunch over this. Go to the reception and let them.

I never understand why people aren’t delighted NOT to be invited, weddings are such a faff!!!