Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

If I tell my siblings not to tell anyone something it absolutely includes their husband. In what universe would that mean he didn't mean you?

Honestly, it would be a No Thank You from my family. I wouldn't even entertain that behaviour. Hope you husband tells his brother where to put his invitation!

In most people's universes, actually.
Especially something like a wedding, which will come out at some point!

Some registry offices are small.

This! It's set the bar.

If the numbers issue he should have only invited you and your husband!

Gently, I think you're obsessing over this a bit too much. I can see why you're upset but Googling venue capacities and posting online is a bit intense.

I think you need to wait and get a clearer picture before you let the anger take over. You've said that you're assuming other cousins are all invited with their plus ones but you don't know yet. If the whole world and their dogs are all invited to the ceremony as well as the reception and you find you and your son are the only real exclusions then yes, by all means you'd have reason to be affronted, but surely the important thing would be to find out why.

It's not unreasonable for your husband to ask his brother for a bit more information, it doesn't need to be an interrogation. If BIL is usually reasonable and you genuinely believe you have a good relationship until now then he presumably has a good explanation. Otherwise you have a right to know if you have done something to offend him, I would say.

As someone else commented upthread, I am wondering if your husband knows more than he's letting on. I don't really get the obsessiveness about weddings that I think is quite common but let's be honest, inviting only one half of a long term married couple that is part of your closest family and not the other is definitely unusual so for him not to ask why would be a bit weird in my eyes. Not in an accusing way, just for information.

I think we found the BIL 🤣

Is their history of you not getting on? Awful to have tried to have divide you all like this.
agree DH should attend reception only and only if your eldest is invited x

To be honest I think there’s no point getting in between men like this. Does your oldest son actually care about the invite, or are you just angry on his behalf? If he doesn’t care about being invited, do you need to fight this battle on his behalf? In my experience men tend to be chill about these things and have different kinds of relationships with other men whereby they aren’t necessarily put out by things like this.

Echo other PP’s that it’s odd all the men staying at the hotel and eating separately from their partners/wives etc the night before wedding. Bit like a stag do.

I understand your upset on both counts. If numbers are an issue for the ceremony then why not preemptively say so. Then there would be understanding. Is ceremony all golf buddies? It’s weird not including you and excluding you son from the whole day. Splitting a family like that is not on, and thoughtless. Especially as there seems to be good relationships between you all.

Its a head scratcher. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Declining would be principled and setting your boundaries. Is it the right thing to do? Depends on the ramifications and if that matters to you. What does your older son think?

Why oh why do people do this sort of thing? I hope that none of you go.

They don't have to understand. They simply have to hear what you're saying and support you in a way which is meaningful and helpful for you

It's called love

Loving you only when they understand and agree with you is conditional. FYI - conditional love isn't thoroughly decent

I don’t agree with this either. Why can’t they understand you are upset!?

Wow I get that you are hurt, but this is ridiculous. The last place I would want to be is somewhere where I wasn’t invited.

Its their wedding, they get to choose who to invite. They have a close relationship with your partner and son. They have a less close relationship with you. You haven’t mentioned the Bride once and I am sure they people that they both want there over you.

This capacity drama makes me
think you feel insecure in the family, especially over your other son, and that panic is overriding your rational brain.

Haven’t RTFT but this did happen to me during COVID - BIL getting married, DH and DC invited to the ceremony (both part of the wedding party) I was invited to the reception. Venue capacity was the reason, due to distancing they could only have 15 (including the vicar!) in the church.
Difference is however that they had a very clear reason which I understood whereas you had (not unreasonable) expectations to be invited to the whole day and have had no explanation as to why you aren’t. Equally, you do seem overly invested in this wedding and this ‘snub’.
The only thing worth being angry about is your eldest being completely left out - that is shit

Surely the ceremony issue is because of the size of the room, I can't think of any other logical reason.
I am also pretty sure you can just wander into anyone's wedding in a registry office, so I'd just go along.
It's sad your older son was not invited, but I can see why his partner was not.

Weddings seem to cause so much drama. I am nearly 44 and been putting off the drama for 12 years, it started the moment I got engaged and I just decided it wasn't worth it!

For people saying OP is BIL’s immediate family I really disagree. I have known my brother’s partner for 15 years, and although she’s a very nice woman I see her rarely. I wouldn’t consider her immediate family at all and if I was getting married with limited numbers and had other closer family/friends I would leave her off the list. I don’t think she would give a shit either because she knows that we like each other but aren’t close and wouldn’t expect (or want) to bump closer people off the list just by virtue of being with my brother.

Would getting married really be included with that?
It's kind of a big life thing - how bizarre to want it kept secret from your sister in law.

Quite simply your “DH” should be embarassed by and enraged at his brother for treating you and your son like second class citizens.

If I was the “DH” I would be refusing to go and not even accepting an invite of any sort if the brother changed his mind and invited my wife and son. He’s already shown his colours.

If I was OP the brother would no longer be welcome in my house. Ever.

But I’m a bridge burner I am.

And yes, who asks someone to keep a secret from their spouse? That is way out of line.

Given the OPs behaviour do you think there would be any explanation she would
accept?

Anyone with emotional intelligence would have worked our they only invited the OP to the reception because her husband blabbed.

Is this BIL’s thinking or his Brides?

Either way I am wondering how long BIL’s marriage will last if BIL/future wife think that it is a given that a spouse would keep secrets about a wedding in the family from the other spouse.
I am wondering about what makes bride or groom think that a siblings wife or husband for the past 20 years and the dc from a previous relationship are not family.

Wonder who will come to the realisation first that despite marrying and most likely having children. They will never be the other persons family

Either or both of these people are walking talking 🚩 🚩🚩 🚩🚩 🚩🚩 🚩

Good to know I won’t share any secrets with any of my married friends

Friends is different though.
This is the OPs brother in law of 20 years. Why on earth would he not want her to know?