Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

But it's so fucking rude & hurtful! The fact that his brother & future wife don't consider you ALL as 1 family unit, after 20 years! 20!! It's genuinely staggering. Absolutely fuck that!

I'd be raging - not so much at the clearly twatty, nasty bride & groom, but at your husband & son!! How do they not see how much of a 'fuck you' it is?? And are they not angry about your older son being excluded altogether?? Fuck me, this might even be a marriage breaker for me.

Well let’s assume the issue is the size of the registry office - why is it so difficult to explain that to the OP so she isn’t left feeling like a second class citizen. A little note in with the invitation or a phone call to explain. I’m sure the BIL is not going to be quite so cavalier about his wife’s position in the family in a few years.

Speaking as a chap, if I received such an invitation and it excluded my partner (were not even married but have been together many years) I would just politely say we (with the emphasis on we) were busy on that date, but wished them all the best. I would not dream of going and leaving my partner at home!

I can understand your older son being excluded if numbers are tight as he is in his 20's, not a blood relative, may have a girlfriend/wife etc of his own, where do you stop - but not inviting you, horrible.

Registry offices do tend to have limited space.

It is their wedding therefore up to them who they invite

I would send a polite note stating that I'm unable to attend, and have nothing whatsoever to do with present buying or any other wedding arrangements. You are not at all unreasonable to be incredibly hurt in this situation.

And you don’t have an automatic right to your brother and nephew’s presence at your wedding if his wife, your SIL is nfi.

in some cases it could potentially cause a family rift. In some families the parents would wade in and say that wasn’t ok.

I’m surprised by the responses here. I would think that with limited space in the registry office, inviting siblings only to the ceremony and then inviting their partners to the after party was the obvious thing to do. Wouldn’t occur to me that this was an issue, either as the person getting married, the sibling, or the in law.

I agree with this. If you want people to witness and celebrate your marriage, you don't do it by telling another couple that their marriage doesn't matter/isn't relevant. Its so crass and rude.

Not a snowball's chance in hell that my DH would be attending under these circumstances.

It sounds like the OP would have understood siblings only. But in this instance they have invited one sibling (OP's husband) and one son, leaving out OP and another son. Very divisive.

Everyone going on about blood relatives more important, and registry offices really small. I've never heard of an (adult) child being prioritised over a married couple before - the obvious drama-free solution would have been OP and DH invited, and their son going to the reception. Maybe I'm just getting old or something, but a spouse being sidelined for their own child is really weird to me. The other son not being invited too is another matter, but for me it's really strange that the DH and youngest son are going to the ceremony and not her.

But it’s not siblings only though, the OP’s DS19 has been invited too over her, which is certainly unconventional and, as I perceive it, rude and hurtful.

I completely agree you don’t have an automatic right to your brother and your nephews presence but the bride and groom do have a right to invite who they want to THEIR wedding.

I also agree that it could cause a family rift if people let it but you know what else causes family rifts….People that aren’t the bride and groom dictating the guest list….

In my opinion weddings are a celebration of the commitment between two people. I don’t think anyone else should get to wade in on how that takes place. It’s not possible to please everyone in these situations.

But we don't know anything about the respective relationships- maybe the BIL and the nephew are very close, and have been say going fishing with his uncle every weekend for the past 5 years and the OP only sees him at family events a few times a year.

It’s a registry wedding. A small room in a larger venue for the registry part of it. There isn’t space. She is invited to the meal, the proper reception which costs the couple money so she hasn’t been left out. She is invited, but not to the 15 minute ceremony.

Right I do not have anything to add this morning other than DH is going to ask casually, when he sees them what the score is with the ceremony. He will NOT go out of his way to ask them especially.

He has also agreed to present it to other brother that he would have preferred to have me at ceremony to see what other SiL who we assume is also not invited to the ceremony, thinks. I do think she is made differently to me though. DH is doing this to shut me up, I know.

He is however, going to ring brother especially and ask if elder son and partner could be included in the reception if possible.

The brother who is getting married has explicitly stated that they do not want presents and if guests wish to acknowledge the wedding in some way they can donate to a particular charity.

My husband is not happy with me and neither is my younger son. They cannot see why I would be bothered over half an hour ceremony. Husband keeps repeating this.

He is however, going to ring brother especially and ask if elder son and partner could be included in the reception if possible.
so not only are you going to ask for someone not invited to be invited, but their partner too?! Has BIL ever met the partner/aware of their existence? Why is ds1 so keen to come to this wedding?

Are you upset because you think you and your son should have been invited because thats the done thing, or are you upset because you thought you and your son have very close personal relationships with your BIL individually, and you are hurt because this makes you feel like BIL doesn't view your relationships with him in the same way? Just trying to figure out which angle you are coming from.

I can understand restricted numbers but they've invited 2 people from your family and I find it odd that those 2 people are not you and your DH. But people make all kind of weird choices that I don't necessarily agree with.
I don't think you're wrong to be upset. I'm not even sure what I'd do in the same situation. If it was just DH I wouldn't think it was a problem but to invite your DS instead of you is a bit off and I'd expect my DH to see that.

And why can’t the son go for his uncles sake?

You have my sympathies, I can't believe your husband and your youngest son don't get it. You need to keep repeating it's not about 30 minutes or the ceremony itself.

If I had been organising this wedding and was limited on numbers, either I would not have invited any of you to the ceremony or just your husband. I definitely would have clearly explained why to family. Yes it's the bride and groom decision, but there is no need for them to be knobheads about it and a simple explanation would have avoid all of this upset. Good luck op and I hope it all gets resolved.

Given you are still with your OH, I can't envision a situation where my child had a better (read: gets the wedding invite) relationship with the uncle than I had with BIL.

I could understand this if I was separated from OH. But the relationship bw Uncle and Nephew is generally, IME, governed through parents. For your younger son to be invited, and not you, would say that you ger son has stronger relationship than you do with BIL.

In a nutshell, it wouldn't matter if I was now invited to ceremony, damage already done. I would go to reception. Would not ask to go to ceremony. Would step back from BIL and new wife.

If it was numbers, and 2 spots for your family, it would be the norm for you and husband to attend. Not husband and son.

Very bizarre the brother thought you shouldn't be told about the wedding.

Having exposed himself as a knob/loon, I think I'd let the BIL get on with it and just enjoy myself at the reception.

You've learned something about BIL and his views of his relationship to you, which is sad, but now you know.

I would not ask for the partner of your older son to be invited; it is reasonable to ask for the older son to be included as part of your family.

I'm still struggling to see why you're bothered over a half-hour ceremony too. It's clearly not the focal bit of the day. I can't work out whether you're hurt because you feel personally snubbed, and as if they don't like you; or if you're offended because of the perceived etiquette breach.

When you say the other SIL is "made differently" what do you mean? You don't seem to think she'll mind this situation. Because she's more relaxed about convention generally?

What is the relevance of asking guests to donate to charity (if they want)? That's completely normal these days.

To be honest your BIL's wedding sounds very similar to my upcoming wedding. Tiny token registry office ceremony with literally 10 people there including DP and I, then an afterparty that everyone else is invited to that we consider the actual important bit. And we're saying "no gifts but if you wish to make a donation to Charity X or Charity Y we'd be honoured" too.

Show him the thread - that might help him understand.

My DH would simply tell his BIL to pull himself together; or we’d all decline.

'My husband is not happy with me and neither is my younger son. They cannot see why I would be bothered over half an hour ceremony. Husband keeps repeating this.'

Only scanned the thread but suspect I may be in the minority here but I am with your DH and son.

It's a very short amount of time and could well be that they are at room capacity. I think kicking off about it is quite embarrassing and your DH is actually trying to shield you from embarrassment by refusing to ask questions.

It's a mere half an hour and the reception will be the fun bit.