Husband and son invited to wedding me only reception

[Frasierfan]

Husband came back a few weeks ago saying he had news! His brother had told him he was getting married. Delighted.

When I saw brother in law I congratulated him and he asked me how I knew. Husband wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. Husband didn’t think this applied to me.

The invitations are out. Three envelopes, for husband, younger son and me. Not one for my eldest son from previous relationship who has been in husband’s life for two decades.

I thought it was odd that we had separate envelopes. I thought they were getting married in a hotel. Then younger son opened his. It turns out they are marrying in a registry office but I am only invited to Reception. I am really pissed off and not a little insulted.

I want to know details of who is invited to actual wedding and if there’s constraints etc.

Husband won’t ask.

AIBU

I would say that it’s a family wedding - they obviously don’t see you as family, so you won’t be going!

You don't need to feel sorry for me - i already had two sets of family - on my mum's and my dad's side. And then I got quite close with some of my steps families - my dad's wife's father and I in particular gelled - but he wasn't my grandad and I called him by his name. And my one of other step sisters was pretty close to my mum's dad - but again she called him Bill not grandad. And at the same time I was perfectly happy not to be invited to my step mum's sister's wedding in my early 20s! And none of us were in any step wills or expected to be so no dramas there.

Your brother in law is treating guests to his wedding differently, depending on whether they are blood related or not.

You aren't a blood relative so you don't meet the criteria for being invited to the ceremony but as the wife of your DH and the mother of their nephew, you pass some weird, 'are you proper family' test, albeit with a lower score than your DH and younger son, so you are being permitted to attend the reception. Your elder son fares even worse as he is totally excluded from all parts of the wedding.

If I were you, I'd decline the invitation to the reception as I wouldn't want to spend time with such twats.

i wouldnt rock the boat, i would go regardless
have you said how long you have been married?

Just go along and enjoy the evening part, congratulate the couple and have a fine time with DH..
They have booked for a small number at the registry office.

Don't act upset even though you are not out of line to feel sad on behalf of your older son. (Perhaps your older one will get a late invitation.)

Don't be pouty and waiting outside the venue smoking a gigarette and behaving hard done by - metaphorically speaking.
Be gracious and accept the invitation with joy.

It will be room capacity, registry offices are really strict on that.

You are invited to the good bit not the boring bit.

Surprised there is such outrage at the older adult DS not being invited.

When I was younger and lived with my parents I got invited to all extended family weddings along with my parents - we got a single invitation including them+ all children living at home.

When I'd lived on my own for some time, I was no longer included on my parents' invite, and, where I was not particularly close to the extended family member, I was also no longer invited to weddings, just because my parents were. It never occurred to me that this was something I should be bothered about. And that was as a blood relative. Are people getting annoyed because they perceive a step child being treated differently? But his situation is different to that of his younger brother.

The BIL is being bloody ridiculous.

I would expect DH to tell his brother that he will be bringing his WIFE to the actual ceremony and not his son and to stop playing silly buggers.

I’m happy for you. In general I feel sad for blended families that don’t bond (I take it that’s not your experience) and get hung up on who is blood related and who isn’t!

Also, in my opinion what is being described here is different, this step child (I hate the word step child my step mother would never have called me that!) was raised by his step father… which is totally different from blended families where they get together after the children are all grown.

Same. The OP is written as if both sons are children, and I'd absolutely agree that you can't exclude a 10-year-old but include their 7-year-old step-sibling.

But the man is 26. He's not going to feel slighted or rejected in the way a child would. He's an adult and he knows exactly what his relationship to the groom is (and I don't mean familial relationship, I mean how often he sees them and how close he is to them).

It's not clear if this boy was also raised by his own father from the OPs posts. I was 6 and then 8 when I gained step parents but I wasnt raised by them as such. I think the more important factor is if both parents are involved or not.

There's limited capacity for the actual wedding so they're just inviting who they're inviting. They're inviting you to the actual but they have to pay for as well so it's not a snub.

The older son bit I'd find a bit harsh but it's hard to comment without knowing dynamics.

I'd be annoyed maybe but wouldn't kick up a fuss.

In one of the op posts they say eldest son has been in the family since he was 7? I assume that the he lived with his mother and stepfather as a child, I could be wrong and maybe op will clarify. If that’s not the case then maybe I can get my head around him not being invited, but to not invite in the op is off in my opinion. She should have been invited before her younger son in my opinion.

But more worrying than not being invited is the impact this is clearly having on ops relationship with her husband…

What does your youngest think? Does he mind? I'd be inclined to not go. It feels like a slap in the face to split your family up like that. Leave your husband and son to go. They see nothing wrong with it. It would be different if it was them.

Registry office spaces can be small. It is very very common to only invoice blood relatives to the ceremony but then everyone to the meal.

You’ve not got an evening only invite. You’re going to the actual meal, the part that costs the couple money. They just can’t fit you into the ceremony room. Grow up. This is normal.

The only issue is not inviting your older son, but he doesn’t live with you and BiL clearly doesn’t see him as family. It’s up to you if you take a stand against that, and whether or not it your husband speaks to his brother about leaving your son out.

Some Registry offices only have space for 10 guests. Yes it might seem like a snub but it's not.

How many people here have actually been to a registry office wedding. I have been to a few, including my own. It is a very short ceremony, lasting about 15 minutes which includes signing the legal documents. The rest of the half hour slot is spent getting people in and out. There is not usually room for many people and some don’t allow guests to stand at the back. I have been to a couple where only half the guests were allowed in and they had to prioritise people on the spot, while the rest waited outside. This is nothing like a graceful wedding at a church or venue. The bride and groom just stand there. She isn’t walked in. Nobody is being left out by just going to the ceremony. The reception will be the best bit.
I would imagine the bride and groom just had space to invite about 10 people each and. best friends and blood relatives made the cut first.

Is it a simple statutory wedding with two witnesses and meal after?

I had my best friend as witness. Her husband didn’t get stuffy. He drove me there. ❤️ him. But we had to have it that way.

I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to you either tbh.

Having a small ceremony with close family only and then a larger is not uncommon. It is a completely normal thing to do.

You are not upset because you don’t get to see someone you care about take their marriage vows which is the only real valid reason to be upset at not going to the ceremony. Your concern her is about yourself and your son, but neither of you are close to the B&G. Just respect their wishes for their wedding without making it about you. It is nasty to put your husband in the middle of this between his brother and his wife, and ultimately it’s his brothers wedding so the brothers wishes are more important than yours.

Read all op so not sure if anyone else has mentioned this.
I knew someone who only wanted his parents and wife’s parents at the registry office.
His wife , a very kind individual, respected his wishes , though didn’t understand it.
Her own grandmother was not happy - ended up outside watching her go in/ out. ( no fuss was made about this - one of the aunts bought her).
But at the ceremony, the groom actually found the whole thing so emotional , that he was moved to tears.
He always portrayed himself as such a hard man , and knew he react like this, so wanted to avoid the embarrassment.
his poor bride , just had go with it , and comfort him the best she could.
(then the family had a lovely, top notch reception)
He also cried a year later when their baby was born.

Me too. They are so tedious. I’d be cheering. 😉

I don't believe that your husband and son don't understand. They're pretending not to understand so they don't need to face their own decision. And I could not be fucked with that.

I don't think it's really your place to go asking questions but again, I would be expecting your husband to have picked it up and ask the question casually of his brother. It's up to them who they invite to what but I agree with you it's strange to invite your husband and your son to the ceremony instead of you and and your husband.

If you DH can't see that this move is divisive shit-stirring then I suggest he learns the hard way. Don't go at all. And refuse to have anything to do with BIL from now on.

Being deliberately ostracised by family is very far from fun. It has huge repercussions, and is often instrumental in destroying marriages.

If the registry office room is small I can understand that issue. I would be more upset that he hasn't invited your elder son. If he's been in the family for two decades he will hardly remember a time when he wasn't around your husband's family and I would think he would be very hurt to have been excluded.