DP nephew and our new baby

[Girlmummyxox]

Hello

Opinions have been mixed about this so pleade be kind if im being unreasonable. I dont have much experince with autism and its my first baby. So DP nephew is 19 and severely autistic. I say severely as he relies on parents for everything, cannot look after himself and has the mind of a child. I mean no offence by any of this.

He has a bigger brother (not autisitc) and three younger cousins. My little girl is the youngest in the family by quite a bit (dp started family later in life).

Let me say first that nephew is a lovely boy. I genuinely love listening to his movie facts and hearing how passionate he is about games.

Anyway, since our little girl was born (5 months now), he has been.. i cant think of any other word, obsessed with her. Whenever we visit or meet up he has to be the person holding her. When he holds her, he rubs his face all over her and strokes her body. Ive taken her off him before because I find it all a bit creepy. A word me and DP have bickered about. His family encourage him holding her all the time and take lots of pictures of this. DP thinks its because he is unlikely to have a family of his own and they like seeing how happy and gentle he is with a baby. Whenever he gets too close I have started telling him to give her space and sometimes ive taken her back. He has started telling his mum that im giving him into trouble. He sits and just stares at her while being inches from her face. And sometimes kisses her all over, me and dp tell.him to stop. He also always tries taking her from my arms to "show her something" in another room which is usually a laser light or disco ball (she loves colours and movement) but i refuse to let him take her and go with him, while holding her. Why should I? He is a vulnerable adult. As if im letting him take her in another room, alone.
He has now started saying "does she love me??" If we say yes, he gets happy and tries rubbing faces and whispering "i love you too, pretty girl". I dont know, I feel awful as I type all of this but its weird in my opinion.

My issue? Well its crossing boundaries, also I dont want to enable behaviour and id like to set boundaries and expectations now. If my daughter came to me in a few years time telling me another adult was doing this, id be furious. Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm. He said he doesn't feel the need to speak to his sister as it'll cause offence and what would he even say. Id like him to tell her that she needs to speak to her son about boundaries because it isn't okay.

She has gotten to the age now where she doesn't like being held all the time but this makes him annoyed as she "isn't close to him" he tries to force it until I tell him no. He doesn't like cries and will put his fingers in his ears and shouts "lalalalala" until he is ushered out of the room. They have offered to look after our daughter on so many occasions to let me and my partner go out but its just isnt going to happen.

Partner thinks im unreasonable. Am I?

Thans

I was going to say YANBU from your first post, but you don't come across well in your later ones. He hasn't done anything malicious, he actually sounds sweet, he just needs guidance on how to interact appropriately with your daughter. Getting him a baby doll sounds like a good idea to help redirect him, but it seems like you’re more focused on wanting to avoid doing something nice for him than you are on finding a practical solution. It comes across as though you’re just looking for posters to validate your negative feelings toward him, rather than to help resolve the issue.

Give the OP a break! She doesn’t need to protect a man’s feelings! Her newborn daughter is rightly her number one priority and keeping her safe from harm

Your baby your rules. It could be totally innocent but I’m with you in feeling it crosses a line. Just make sure you are with him when he is with her at all
times.

He does not sound sweet. Jesus fucking Christ.

Again, both the 18 year old nephew and OP’s baby should be protected. She has control doesn’t as the mother, doesn’t she? So she should protect her baby.

And the IL’s should protect their son.

She hasn’t got ‘negative feelings towards him’.
Shes got a mothers instinct which her husband and his family is trying to get her to ignore so she doesn’t hurt an adult males feelings rather than follow her instinct and protect her baby daughter.
He might be severely autistic but his hormones and male instincts will all be working normally - yet he cannot be reasoned with or understand boundaries.
This little girl needs someone to protect her - who better than her mother.
Why would a mother want ANYBODY rubbing their face all over their baby? Taking the baby out of the mother’s arms? Kissing the baby while she’s crying?? Stroking her body???
He doesn’t understand ‘appropriate behaviour’ and frankly neither do the husbands family who should never ever have let him do this.

That’s a bit strong? Hatred??
They are dripping with massive maternal anxiety - her instincts are telling g her it’s wrong yet all of the other adults in the room are saying it’s ‘sweet’.
Absolutely crazy.

It's not equivalent at all (and he's 19). They worst thing that could happen to him in this situation is hurt feelings.
The worst thing that could happen to the baby is far graver than that.

OPs perfectly understandable and only priority is to her tiny daughter. This man has no right to equivalent consideration from her.

What's more, this is despite the number of posters with autistic family members saying that inappropriate behaviour has to be dealt with because it's problematic and the issue is ultimately poor supervision by the careers of the autistic person in not ensuring those boundaries.

Inappropriate behaviour is by it's very nature risky behaviour. It is behaviour that can be harmful regardless of how 'harmless' and how innocent the intent. You can't just leave it unchallenged as a result.

An adult man shouldnt be treating a baby like this. She's not his plaything.

Please continue to protect her.

You sound angry and im not surprised as you've received little support from your family.

His family aren't doing him any favours by encouraging these behaviours.

Hatred 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thats made me laugh!
Where did you get that from????

How would you react then that if that was your baby?

Autism doesn’t come with a free pass to upset babies.

Not angry, concerned.
Esp when he asked his mum abouta sleepover. Instead of, no that isn't going to happen, it was "let's see if that can be arranged soon". Never going to happen.

Any form of challenge or disagreement now constitutes 'hate'.

It’s not right that your boundaries (which do you credit) have to be set aside, simply not to upset your nephew.

It’s weird. It makes you uncomfortable and it creeped you out.

Women and girls aren’t support animals.

Give over.

I feel mixed. If I think his behaviour is unacceptable, surely giving him a doll isn't teaching anything but directing it elsewhere (even if it is a doll!). Also, my daughter is my priority. I don't want to cut him out or stop all contant / touch but I dont care enough to try and include him. That sounds awful but I wont be thinking up activities or things he can do instead. His parents should do that, aswell teach him whats right and wrong. My focus is on my child, not him.

Yes, he’s vulnerable, but balls to that.

He’ll be told ‘no’, and he’ll do as he’s told.
The OP doesn’t have to buy him dolls, or ‘involve him’, or any of that other bullshit.

His parents can get as arsey as they like. It changes nothing.

Curious, does anyone read the descriptions of his behaviour and think, oh, I’d be totally happy for that to happen to me?

Echo all the sensible PPs above. You are baby’s mother and your job is to protect her. Your instincts are wired for that - and at this vulnerable newborn stage even more so. If it feels off. It IS off. It sounds like you might not be confident about saying that it makes you uncomfortable (that discomfort is your protection kicking in). There has been good advice up the thread about what you might say when this happens again. I also understand your horror too. I would be the same. It’s not that he’s a bad person but what he’s doing is making you feel UNCOMFORTABLE. That’s enough reason to say no and not feel bad. You’re her mum and your job is to do whatever you think is best in HER best interests.

Nope! I'd hate it.

Me too.

I've been through this sort of thing in the extended family (not intellectual disability though). Where everyone is expected to cater to the unwritten rule of catering to the poor disabled person, every decision and activity and choice has to centre around them, anyone else's needs or wants are forgotten when it comes to the disabled child (in my case, also an adult actually a bit older than myself). This was in my DH's family.

I always thought disabled people wanted to be treated like the valuable individuals they are, not defined by their disability, so I made sure to treat them as an equal, not as 'the disabled one'.

This treatment did them no favours and they were quite the narcissist. I wasn't having that when they started in on my children. I had to be the bad guy. My mother also had no qualms about pulling them up when they were being horrible to my children when I wasn't there.

Sometimes you have to be the one who disrupts the family dynamic when it's not right. In this case, you may not be able to win, but I will choose my child every time. (A child who is taught empathy and that reasonable accommodations should be made, but that they are important too and can have boundaries.)