DP nephew and our new baby

[Girlmummyxox]

Hello

Opinions have been mixed about this so pleade be kind if im being unreasonable. I dont have much experince with autism and its my first baby. So DP nephew is 19 and severely autistic. I say severely as he relies on parents for everything, cannot look after himself and has the mind of a child. I mean no offence by any of this.

He has a bigger brother (not autisitc) and three younger cousins. My little girl is the youngest in the family by quite a bit (dp started family later in life).

Let me say first that nephew is a lovely boy. I genuinely love listening to his movie facts and hearing how passionate he is about games.

Anyway, since our little girl was born (5 months now), he has been.. i cant think of any other word, obsessed with her. Whenever we visit or meet up he has to be the person holding her. When he holds her, he rubs his face all over her and strokes her body. Ive taken her off him before because I find it all a bit creepy. A word me and DP have bickered about. His family encourage him holding her all the time and take lots of pictures of this. DP thinks its because he is unlikely to have a family of his own and they like seeing how happy and gentle he is with a baby. Whenever he gets too close I have started telling him to give her space and sometimes ive taken her back. He has started telling his mum that im giving him into trouble. He sits and just stares at her while being inches from her face. And sometimes kisses her all over, me and dp tell.him to stop. He also always tries taking her from my arms to "show her something" in another room which is usually a laser light or disco ball (she loves colours and movement) but i refuse to let him take her and go with him, while holding her. Why should I? He is a vulnerable adult. As if im letting him take her in another room, alone.
He has now started saying "does she love me??" If we say yes, he gets happy and tries rubbing faces and whispering "i love you too, pretty girl". I dont know, I feel awful as I type all of this but its weird in my opinion.

My issue? Well its crossing boundaries, also I dont want to enable behaviour and id like to set boundaries and expectations now. If my daughter came to me in a few years time telling me another adult was doing this, id be furious. Dp said he understands why I think what I think but his nephew lives in another world and means no harm. He said he doesn't feel the need to speak to his sister as it'll cause offence and what would he even say. Id like him to tell her that she needs to speak to her son about boundaries because it isn't okay.

She has gotten to the age now where she doesn't like being held all the time but this makes him annoyed as she "isn't close to him" he tries to force it until I tell him no. He doesn't like cries and will put his fingers in his ears and shouts "lalalalala" until he is ushered out of the room. They have offered to look after our daughter on so many occasions to let me and my partner go out but its just isnt going to happen.

Partner thinks im unreasonable. Am I?

Thans

It's a shame you are more interested in getting your feelings validated than in finding a solution. You can grandstand all you want about it not being your responsibility to do anything for your nephew, and technically you are right, but that isn't helping your daughter.

Helping my daughter is stopping it. I dont care what he does instead, his parents can work that out with hin.

I didnt expect to recieve as many comments, opinions and votes.
Thank you all for taking time out of your day to read and comment. X

You already said in your OP that you tried to stop it but it didn't work. Then when people offered ideas about redirecting his interest with a doll, or ways to explain to him how to interact with her properly, you said you don't want solutions and you can't be arsed.

You need to do what’s right for your own child OP, he needs to learn about the boundaries because your little girl has rights too and if it’s making you uncomfortable then that’s your mummy instinct, never let him be alone with her and no way ever ever let them look after her as they don’t seem as concerned as you:l. Not saying anything untoward would happen but it’s not nice for your child to experience this without being able to speak up for themselves. You don’t owe them anything and you owe your child her safety and comfort.

I asked if I was unreasonable. I didn't ask for solutions or what else I can do. Youre giving advice I haven't asked for.

It’s completely inappropriate.

But his behaviour is creepy! Autistic or not, his behaviour around OP’s DD is inappropriate. He has a young adult male’s body with sexual urges and he doesn’t understand boundaries. Not his fault but the behaviour is creepy. But hey, let’s all get hung up on a word in the name of political correctness rather than focusing on the real issue: protecting the OP’s baby.

Yes you are right to feel that way. Your priority is your baby.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at the people calling OP ableist! Her responsibility is to her baby daughter. It is not her job to help DN understand boundaries. As has been previously stated, regardless of DN’s intentions, even if they are of the purest, OP’s daughter is uncomfortable and that is what matters. OP you do whatever you need to do to keep your daughter safe.

edit to repeat PPs: her baby is not a doll to be passed around or played with

There is no point in OP attempting to teach him if his carers aren’t on board. In fact, it’s inappropriate. Imagine a relative that married into your family taking steps that are in direct conflict with your own views as parents…no one would tolerate it. His parents think his behaviour is fine so she is fighting a losing battle. e.g. A doll is no good unless it comes with the associated teaching about appropriate behaviour which, given his potential for interest in it, would need to be regularly enforced at home to ensure that it is a proper tool for social understanding and isn’t just reinforcing inappropriate behaviours and confusing him more.

If there’s going to be any meaningful relationship which isn’t putting DD at risk (and normalising inappropriate behaviour to a small child just to avoid offending adults is safeguarding risk in its own right, even if DN doesn’t actually intend anything directly harmful), DD just can’t be around him. No one wants that, so Op and her DH need to get onto the same
page about appropriate behaviour and then get DN’s parents on board so there is a clear family approach which can be consistently applied by all responsible adults so the rules are clear to DN.

It is in DN’s interest for his family to start actually parenting him properly and certainly in DD’s interests to be seen as a parson in her own right, not a support or sensory aid for someone who has carers that display a remarkable amount of disinterest in helping him function appropriately in society. DN is being let down, but it isn’t by Op.

I totally agree with this, and that is as a parent of a likely autistic child, you don't always know what will help and what will trigger a meltdown and many well meaning people have triggered meltdowns while trying to something nice. For all you know a baby doll might worsen the fixation. Leave it up to his mum and dad

You’re gobsmacked at someone being called out for using inappropriate language about someone with a severe disability?

Same. I'm wary of all adult autistic men anyway as I was raped by one.

Oh give over 😂😂😂 his disability doesn't take away from the fact he is being creepy.
people are far far too hung up on the word creepy and are flocking to protect this GROWN MAN, who is acting in a creepy way, than being worried about a young baby being subject to someone hugging and kissing her all over and being inappropriately obsessed with her.

worlds gone barmy.

And you are now just out to bash the OP because she isn't rushing to show off her virtue signalling.

She's right, the limit of her involvement should be to tell other family members this is not ok because she doesn't have responsibility for the nephew. Because doing more would be HER overstepping. She doesn't have the relationship to intervene as much as anything else - her partner does. Her partner is failing his daughter because he's not listening and putting his own daughter first. That's not ok.

She can't win here. She either oversteps or she takes a position that's not seen as virtuous inclusion. That's fucked in the head and really part of the problem.

Her responsibility is her child. The nephew is the responsibility of his carers. If the carers are failing to implement appropriate behaviour and boundaries then the OPs response can only be to limit contact with her daughter. They have a choice here. The fact that the entire universe somehow has to revolve around the nephew is the problem and it's not one the OP is in a position to fix. She only has a choice over whether she decides to do the right thing for her daughter and 'be the bad guy' explaining to the family this isn't ok and it needs to be addressed by them. or put her daughter in a potentially vulnerable position.

Yanbu your baby isn't a doll for somebody's entertainment even if their autistic 😕

The adult man is behaving in a way that gives cause for concern...

...and you are more bothered about how language is used to describe this than addressing behaviour...

... because your priority isn't the safeguarding of a baby in the real world - it's virtue signalling on the internet to a bunch of strangers.

And this is why we have so many incidents of safeguarding failures because people disconnected to real world situations are dictating stupid policies that put vulnerable people at risk - and I actually include the nephew in this. It's not in HIS OWN interests to allow him to continue in a way that's inappropriate because if it does result in an issue he's fucked too.

As previously stated by many carers for autistic adults on this very thread - yes their family member can act in a way that others perceive as creepy. Other people will react accordingly because they are instinctively designed to - for good reason. It is their responsibility to protect their child and address this, not for the rest of the world to suck it up even if it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Couching language helps no one. It's far better to be honest and use language that accurately describes our feelings in order to make sure that concerns are taken seriously rather than dismissing them because they aren't using 'the right tone'.

I despair of this nonsense, honestly I do, because actually the unintended side effects is a huge resentment that people aren't being listened to about valid concerns because the priority is the feelings of someone acting in a way that's antisocial or problematic.

The answer is no.

YANBU in general. YABVU labelling it weird and creepy. It just needs boundaries enforced and as adults you are able to do this. Why you haven’t is mystifying.

I would think he sees her as a type of little doll who interacts and will love him which is a big bonus on a normal doll/stuffed toy. In this particular situation it is neither creepy nor weird.

However, boundaries still need to be enforced. Just like any other adult there is no taking her off to a room by himself. That’s just a core rule for children - and while I don’t actually believe it is for babies as I have taken crying babies off by myself to let mum/dad eat in peace for 15min etc, I think it will be too challenging to change the rules at a point for this person. They won’t understand a change in rules, so the same rules now that will apply to your child through childhood. So, can hold them but no kissing all over, no taking off to another room etc. And none of this wet lettuce stuff, you take control of this at the time with him, it’s not for his parents to manage! If that causes a meltdown, so be it, he is their child and they need to manage that aspect, just as you are managing your child.

I agree completely with this and specifically your last paragraph about resentment.
people feel they can't say a single negative thing about autistic people behaving in a horrible or creepy way because 'they're autistic' and if absolutely brings resentment in the highest order.

I desperately needed protecting against the autistic boy that raped me. When it happened the dad of the boy literally said 'he doesn't know what he's doing, he's got Asperger's.'

I was a child then but now as a 31 year old female with a young daughter I feel so much fucking resentment that HE was protected over ME in that situation. The parents pushed and pushed a narrative for many years before it happened that he was harmless and safe and 'took an interest.'
sadly now, I am wary and scared of all autistic men. And it's not my fault why I am that way. I am incredibly resentful.
im also resentful that I had to pull my DD out of reception because she was being injured daily by an autistic kid. He got more protection than her.

resentment is completely the right word. Thank you for putting it much better than I ever could have.

This is very good advice, hope the OP takes it on board.

@RedToothBrushyou are spot on.

And to those posters suggesting the young man sees the OP’s baby as a doll, really? I don’t think so. His mental capacity may be that of a child’s but his physical body has the surging hormones and sex drive of a teenager! I’ve worked with enough autistic people to have witnessed (and experienced) groping and other inappropriate sexual advances. So yes, creepy is the word.
I’m not saying it’s deliberate on the DN’s part but the behaviour is creepy and the baby must be protected.

@MyHouseIsOnPrettyGirlAvenue
I’m so sorry to hear of your experience

Totally agree. He may have a childlike mind, but he also has an adult body and fewer inhibitions than other young men will have learned.

Infantilising him doesn’t help him, and it certainly doesn’t help OP’s baby.

Both need protection from inappropriate behaviour.

I remember as a teen being fondled and mooned over by the learning disabled son of a family friend. We were the same age. I found it really uncomfortable, but put on an accepting face while the adults all admired my kindness and patience. Meanwhile I was being hugged, stroked and petted by a boy I barely knew and no one asked him to tone it down.

@MyHouseIsOnPrettyGirlAvenue I'm sorry to hear of your horrific experience. Like a previous poster, it was about putting the needs of a man over a girl. I'm not surprised at your lack of trust 💐.
It's like @RedToothBrush said, what happened to safeguarding?