To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

[SimplyPie]

I don't know what to do.
DM is 76.
Lives alone.
Zero friends - can't maintain healthy relationships due to lack of boundaries or understanding about how her behaviour impacts on others.
Lifelong mental illness which is untreated as she won't engage with mental health services or her GP. The reason for her refusing to engage is due to the mental illness itself.
Mixture of unstable PD, lifelong depression, clinical anxiety, PTSD, self harm, self neglect, emotional dysregulation, ASD and ADHD.
Refuses medication and refuses therapy - lifelong refusal.
Her MI caused a caused a difficult childhood for DB and me and I carry this with me through my adulthood.
She raised us as a single parent.
DB is now NC with DM for his own MH protection and he aportions a lot of blame on her for his own depression and anxiety.
All of our extended family are NC with DM due to the emotional difficulties and challenges she presents in trying to maintain a long standing relationship.
Christmas is a huge MH trigger for her.
We have her to stay for a few days over Christmas and it is very hard work.
She is an emotional rollercoaster between being irritable, snapping at me and DH, talking in a stream of consciousness about her ongoing difficulties, devastation about not seeing DB and his children at Christmas anymore, crying, desperately wanting to spend every waking minute with my DC over Christmas on an emotional level whilst at the same time showing a complete lack of engagement with them on a demonstratable level, being non stop highly stressed, anxious, zero ability to sit through a kids Christmas movie with them or play a game with them, too distracted to get through a conversation with - she can't keep track of anything I try to talk to her about, and physically as unhelpful towards the general busyness of Christmas as it's possible to be. Sits there for entire days not moving. Doesn't occur to her to pitch in and help.
It's just bloody hard work and I feel like crying at the thought of another Christmas like it.
When the DC were little they'd bounce around excitedly not noticing all this. But they're getting older now and are beginning to pick up on things.
The thing is DM isn't mentally unwell but lovely with it. She isn't vulnerable in the sense that she leaves you feeling like you want to look after her. She's verbally argumentative all the time. She's hostile. She never smiles. She's paranoid in a negative way. She's accusatory. She can start an attack of arguing out of nowhere. Her conversation just goes round and round in a negative spiral. Every word she utters is negative. Endless moaning. I can have a completely neutral expression on my face and she'll argue at me for looking at her in an angry way.
I must add that we really are nice to her. Buy all her favourite food. Adapt food and cooking to her liking. Abandon family activities that DH and DC and me enjoy because she doesn't want to do them. Tip toe around her endlessly changing mood. Buy her really thoughtful and lovely gifts. Turn down social offers we'd personally love to accept because she stays for days. Pick her up. Drive her home. We appease her on every level.
And then after it's all over, she'll spend days texting me about how she knows me and DH hate her but she only comes to stay so tbat she can see my DC who she regularly tells me are her only reason for living.
The older I'm getting the more she is impacting on my wellbeing. I'm pretty strong and I think I've been pretty emotionally resilient through my life, considering I've been raised by a mother who's been like tgis my whole life. But strangely, I feel more affected by her behaviour in my middle age now than I did in my 20s and 30s, even though it has now been much longer since I lived with her (I left home at 18 which I spent 2 decades being either cried at or argued at about, with her blaming me for abandonment). I don't quite understand why it's all affecting me more now at this age.
So......I can hear you all thinking dont invite her over then. But the alternative is she sits at home alone with the TV and a microwave meal, and despite how impossible she is to get along with, I know about her life traumas and I understand those traumas are the reason for her illness, and knowing that makes me feel like I'd spend the entire Christmas feeling such guilt that I wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
I have tried all my life to support and love her.
But I can feel my brain is beginning to change now, after the effects of all these years of dealing with this.
And I just want to say - I hate serious mental illness. I really truly hate it and all it's harmful, toxic, devastating repercussions.
I hate it. I feel defeated by it.😞

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. What your posts tell me is that, although your DM has serious MH problems, she does have a level of control over them. She chooses to be nice to her GC, but take it all out on you instead. You've had a lifetime of this, and your DB, other relatives and her friends have gone NC, so it's understandable that you feel it's your duty to look after her. As other PP have said, it's FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Just think about it again for a minute. She can control her emotions (in front of DC), but she is CHOOSING to be awful to you. Due to the FOG, you are choosing to accept this behaviour. You need to give yourself permission to say 'no more'. That's obviously not an easy thing to do, and you may need outside help/therapy to be able to do it, but it's time now to protect your own MH, otherwise you'll end up broken too. Going LC is a good first step. Don't be swayed by her manipulative threats to commit SC. If necessary, order a welfare check on her. Tell them she's threatening to kill herself, but don't let her use it as another stuck to beat you with. I think you'll eventually have to go NC, and the sooner the better. I hope you can find the strength to do it. We're all giving you permission, but you have to give yourself the same permission, and stick to it. Good luck.

You sound like a caring and strong person, but even strong people can crash and burn when subjected to ongoing emotional strain. Your compassion has trapped you in this situation, yes the little girl your mother once was didn’t deserve any of what happened to her. But the adult that she now is? She was shaped by her trauma but she is the only one who has the power to change the destructive force she is, and by refusing to engage with mental health services she is refusing that responsibility. I’d say that is where your responsibility to her ends. You need to tell her how her behaviour is damaging you and how as a responsible adult it’s your job not to let her destroy your mental health. Then block contact and step back. She’ll either seek help or she won’t- probably won’t- but you need to put your own oxygen supply on first before you can save anyone else and she’s draining you dangerously low. Your kids deserve better than a mother fruitlessly pouring and pouring herself out to a grandmother to whom anything and everything you give will NEVER be enough. Step back. Save yourself.

My goodness. Your Mother needs help. I'm assuming she's deemed to have capacity? Therefore you can't get a LPOA? I would flag to her GP that she is threatening suicide. I would (perhaps) flag this to the local police and the samaritans too.

She obviously needs medicating but if she has capacity there isn't much you can do

You could contact SS and again flag how vulnerable she is and her suicide threats

Re Christmas - I'd collect her on the 25th and take her home late afternoon on the 25th

Edit - typo

It’s so hard OP, it’s really easy for people to say you need to say no, but if you’ve dealt with emotional abuse it’s really not very easy to just switch off and do that. I don’t know what the answer is I just want to say I’m sorry for what you’re going through and hope you can find some peace.

You're doing brilliantly. Try to look at these as positive things:

• You didn't answer her calls yesterday. Let that show you that you are strong; you are holding firm boundaries for the current and future well-being of your children and yourself.
• You haven't listened to her answerphone messages. Let that show you that you are not beholden to her; she doesn't get to click her fingers and you jump to her anymore.

Next step - delete those voicemails. You don't need to listen to them; you know what they'll contain so why extend the pain? Go to voicemail and delete without listening. It won't instantly solve the stress, but you won't have the weight and anticipation of the voicemails hanging over your head while you're at work today.

You're doing all the right things. I know this feels so shitty right now but it will pass.

OP, you poor woman.
She is abusing and terrorising you and your family.
I think you need to inform the police of her suicide threats and abuse of you.

I thinknfor the sake of your family and children, you need to stop all contact.

I wouldn't have her near your children or home.
It can be done.
The cost to you is too great.
I had a father like that.
I cut contact completely.
Best tbing I ever did.
His death was a relief.
The peace was such a blessing.

Agree with posters above - no need to listen to the voicemails, you know what they'll contain, and they'll just make you feel worse. If they happen to be apologetic then they'll just make you confused and doubt what you know to be true.
If you really can't just delete them, then get someone else to listen to them instead (husband?) and then delete them.
But either way, having them hanging over you won't be helping.
Of course you are feeling anxious - anyone would be when subjected to this. But just keep in mind that this is how she affects you, this is how much she manages to control your life, to such an extent that you are this upset. She doesn't deserve to do that, no matter what has happened to her. So just try to imagine what life might be like without this level of emotional manipulation. I bet it would feel a million times better.
Look after yourself today, hug your children and try to let those around you look after you.

Also, think about telling some people about all this in real life - I think you will find support, validation, and also get more of a sense of perspective about how unreasonable her behaviour really is.

She is being really difficult. She is probably frantically trying to pull you closer but obviously in an unpleasant way, and this is naturally going to push you away.

Given she has a personality disorder plus trauma and all the other diagnoses it is likely to some extent she is terrified of rejection and this awful behaviour is the only tool she knows to try and stop people leaving her. People with trauma/PD are often oversensitive to perceived rejection and overthink people's reactions to them. I think your (totally appropriate and understandable) put out reaction is having more weight in her head than it should.

It's shitty and manipulative, but for a variety of reasons her development in childhood didn't go as it should, and so these shitty manipulative tools are all she has.

I think it's fair enough to go no/low contact. You need to keep yourself safe first, and I'd guess you have your own trauma from being raised by her. When you do I would brace yourself for her to do something to hurt herself- not because she will want to die, but because she will absolutely panic at the thought of reduced contact and will want to pull you back in, snd this might be one of the only ways she knows how to do that. I think it is sensible (if unpleasant) to work out now how you will respond if she does this.

I really wish you the best and hope you get the fabulous Christmas you deserve

I am so so sorry you are going through this. You are doing brilliantly - keep doing what you are doing. I would just not contact her until (at least) the new year. You don't need to explain yourself to her, and she won't listen anyway. Massive hugs

@SimplyPie
You really need to let people around you know what's happening and stop keeping this like some kind of dirty little secret. It's hurting you and your own MH and it has to stop now. You seem to think that this is some kind of shameful thing that has to be hidden at all costs and it isn't.

You also need to stop hiding this from your DC. They need to know that DGM is unwell and that her illness makes her mean and that her meanness is being applied to you but discuss it in an age appropriate way. They will find out at some point and will be bewildered as it will come out of the blue. It could be more damaging in the long run - your DC will overhear/see your mother's behaviour and she'll use it to twist their perception of what's been seen and then she'll use them to further her own issues. You don't want that happening but secrets have a habit of getting out especially as your DC get older.
Secrets like this only damage you & yours in the end. You need to come out about this and get some support. I suspect that DC already have some awareness of the issues - like her turning up for tea last week. You need to remember that the 'relationship' that she has with your DC isn't real - she makes it her reality in order to 'feed' off of their adoration - like a vampire.

Get your DH to listen to the messages and make any notes of what's said and then to keep a record himself. That way he can confirm that it's much of the same. She chooses to do this - remember that.

You need to contact her local police and ask for a welfare check to be done and then in turn they may call SS. You have done everything that you can and she continues to use her MH issues to ruin yours. Please stop allowing this.

I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. After I managed to leave him, I was still bombarded with calls and messages and him trying to turn up to my new house.

It all culminated with a call where he said he was going to kill himself then and there. I spent 5 minutes trying to convince him not to, but then thought fuck it, this is manipulation. So I told him to do what he wants, I hope he doesn't kill himself, but I'm not there for him anymore. Hung up, blocked him.

Surprise, surprise, he didn't. It was just part of the cycle of abuse, a last ditch attempt at manipulation.

Your DM is the same. She is sensing her usual shit isn't working so she is ramping up the abuse.

Can you just invite her for the day or arrive Christmas eve evening, go home boxing day morning? Plead other engagements. It does seem cruel to leave her alone on Christmas day and as you say you would feel so guilty about it.

I have a family member like this too OP, put your own mental health first this time and the health of your children. You say she is able to control herself around the kids and play nice with them BUT her behavior has a direct effect on you as her target - which in turn indirectly effects your children. Kids arent stupid they will be picking up on the distress this is causing you.

Allow yourself a Christmas free from her abuse. Maybe this could be a push for her to seek help.

Everyone - please read all of the OPs posts before replying as there have been some pretty major developments.

I keep seeing well meaning posters trying to help but it's clear they haven't read all the ops posts. This isn't a clear cut case of a Christmas invitation, it's a lifetime of her being abused and manipulated by her mother.

Be strong OP.
Block her and never unblock her again.
Give DH the job of dealing with her.
Let's see if she'll be so abusive to him.

And no definitely don't have her for Christmas.

Ring your brother for support, tell him everything.

No you are not being unreasonable. If she wasn't so nasty to you then she would be welcomed at christmas wouldn't she. This is all her doing and if she is alone on christmas day that is on her, not you. I know how you feel as I've had to learn this myself, years of being made to feel guilty will do that to you. Stand firm, you do not deserve this. Have a nice christmas with your little family.

Please read the full thread, it's got some important developments.

OP, it isn't cruel not to spend Christmas day with her.

Oh OP I'm so so sorry. I have a difficult relationship with my mum at times and she has a similar traumatic history to your mum. At one point she was an alcoholic, bottle of vodka a day and 40 cigs, she would ring me drunk and threatened suicide a few times. She also hates Christmas and is a very pessimistic person.

The reason I still see my mum now - though not at Christmas as we have agreed that neither of us enjoy it - is that my mum went to therapy, went to the GP, kicked the booze. She knew she was making my life hard, and that if she didn't sort it out I would have considered NC. She knew that, and she knew she was putting a lot of pressure on me to fix things that actually weren't in my power to fix. They still aren't, but she has chosen to change. That meant a lot to me.

I hope you can enjoy this time with the kids and know that drawing a line with your mum is giving them the right message. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, including their mum, and nobody has the right to make the home environment shouty and stressful for others to be in. Please enjoy your Christmas, OP 🩷

You poor thing. What a horrible situation.

Would your husband be prepared to act as an intermediary? I highly doubt she would leave him abusive messages?

Is it an option to simply message her to say that you will not accept her abusive calls and messages any more and you are blocking her for your own mental health. She is not to attempt to contact you or to visit you at home and you need space from her for a few months. If she needs to urgently contact you then she needs to do so via DH.

You have had a lifetime of dealing with this rubbish. She’s not well but you don’t deserve to be the punchbag.

What does your husband think? Can he help you stand up to her?

My mother is exactly the same, it's so hard when you want it to be different. She's spent the last few Christmases on her own, once you do it the feeling of relief is enormous, it far outweighs any guilt. She's used to it now and doesn't expect any different and i don't feel guilty.See her another day for a few hours, take your dc and try to have a decent day. Then for the rest of Christmas do exactly what you want to do. Your dc will have a wonderful time. Try to give them what you never had they will remember fond times with you and your dh. Remember time goes quickly they will be grown and flown the nest before you know it. This is the year to take control.

Your children come first can you not have her before or after Christmas so not so intense or go to see her for a limited time. It's not fair to make everyone else's Christmas miserable.

You sound to be lovely and have a great DH.

Will you be happy at Christmas if like your brother you stay away from your Mum?
It sounds as if worry or guilt will bother you even if she doesn't!

I would say that it need not be all or nothing.

A short visit -present exchange perhaps-could be arranged so that the children can be spoilt and you won't feel so bad about enjoying the rest of Christmas without her.

At other times of year:
She can be kind if she wants to- so don't let her get away with being mean.

I think that you should respond positively to anything good she does- but calmly move away from anything bad. Be undramatic (don't let her provoke you!) but leave early or end the conversation if you need to. (Prepare this with DH beforehand.) Grey rock it.