To not invite DM for Xmas knowing she's alone with MH illness

[SimplyPie]

I don't know what to do.
DM is 76.
Lives alone.
Zero friends - can't maintain healthy relationships due to lack of boundaries or understanding about how her behaviour impacts on others.
Lifelong mental illness which is untreated as she won't engage with mental health services or her GP. The reason for her refusing to engage is due to the mental illness itself.
Mixture of unstable PD, lifelong depression, clinical anxiety, PTSD, self harm, self neglect, emotional dysregulation, ASD and ADHD.
Refuses medication and refuses therapy - lifelong refusal.
Her MI caused a caused a difficult childhood for DB and me and I carry this with me through my adulthood.
She raised us as a single parent.
DB is now NC with DM for his own MH protection and he aportions a lot of blame on her for his own depression and anxiety.
All of our extended family are NC with DM due to the emotional difficulties and challenges she presents in trying to maintain a long standing relationship.
Christmas is a huge MH trigger for her.
We have her to stay for a few days over Christmas and it is very hard work.
She is an emotional rollercoaster between being irritable, snapping at me and DH, talking in a stream of consciousness about her ongoing difficulties, devastation about not seeing DB and his children at Christmas anymore, crying, desperately wanting to spend every waking minute with my DC over Christmas on an emotional level whilst at the same time showing a complete lack of engagement with them on a demonstratable level, being non stop highly stressed, anxious, zero ability to sit through a kids Christmas movie with them or play a game with them, too distracted to get through a conversation with - she can't keep track of anything I try to talk to her about, and physically as unhelpful towards the general busyness of Christmas as it's possible to be. Sits there for entire days not moving. Doesn't occur to her to pitch in and help.
It's just bloody hard work and I feel like crying at the thought of another Christmas like it.
When the DC were little they'd bounce around excitedly not noticing all this. But they're getting older now and are beginning to pick up on things.
The thing is DM isn't mentally unwell but lovely with it. She isn't vulnerable in the sense that she leaves you feeling like you want to look after her. She's verbally argumentative all the time. She's hostile. She never smiles. She's paranoid in a negative way. She's accusatory. She can start an attack of arguing out of nowhere. Her conversation just goes round and round in a negative spiral. Every word she utters is negative. Endless moaning. I can have a completely neutral expression on my face and she'll argue at me for looking at her in an angry way.
I must add that we really are nice to her. Buy all her favourite food. Adapt food and cooking to her liking. Abandon family activities that DH and DC and me enjoy because she doesn't want to do them. Tip toe around her endlessly changing mood. Buy her really thoughtful and lovely gifts. Turn down social offers we'd personally love to accept because she stays for days. Pick her up. Drive her home. We appease her on every level.
And then after it's all over, she'll spend days texting me about how she knows me and DH hate her but she only comes to stay so tbat she can see my DC who she regularly tells me are her only reason for living.
The older I'm getting the more she is impacting on my wellbeing. I'm pretty strong and I think I've been pretty emotionally resilient through my life, considering I've been raised by a mother who's been like tgis my whole life. But strangely, I feel more affected by her behaviour in my middle age now than I did in my 20s and 30s, even though it has now been much longer since I lived with her (I left home at 18 which I spent 2 decades being either cried at or argued at about, with her blaming me for abandonment). I don't quite understand why it's all affecting me more now at this age.
So......I can hear you all thinking dont invite her over then. But the alternative is she sits at home alone with the TV and a microwave meal, and despite how impossible she is to get along with, I know about her life traumas and I understand those traumas are the reason for her illness, and knowing that makes me feel like I'd spend the entire Christmas feeling such guilt that I wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
I have tried all my life to support and love her.
But I can feel my brain is beginning to change now, after the effects of all these years of dealing with this.
And I just want to say - I hate serious mental illness. I really truly hate it and all it's harmful, toxic, devastating repercussions.
I hate it. I feel defeated by it.😞

Invite her to come boxing day for 2 nights, or new year but not Christmas. Not fair on you or your kids.

That's awful @SimplyPie .
Please do as suggested above - call the police and ask them to do a welfare check due to her threats to herself.

This is a form of emotional abuse - she's trying to manipulate you. You will never be responsible for her actions. Her behaviour demonstrates that she's using your children as tools to take out her fury on you - and you need to protect your whole family from that. Your responsibilities are for your family. Her responsibilities are to access the support that's available to her to help with her mental state / trauma.

Maybe you could speak to someone at one of the helplines who could give advice about how you might put in place boundaries and stop her using your children in this way:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

My Mum had similar life experiences and behaved in a similar way. She died when she was 71 and I feel sad that she was left alone for Christmases.

On a practical note for Christmas, you need a transition year this year.
I know people on here will just say "say no" and I get that but sometimes "No"is easier with a reason.
Can you be doing something on Christmas day (visiting/ chirch service /seeing friends etc) that means you can say to your mum that you'll pop into hers for Christmas eve afternoon tea or Christmas morning breakfast.
This shows you are still wanting to see her but it sets a good precedent for next year. Gets her used to the idea that it might not always be hunker down.
Another option would be meet her at a pub or restaurant for Christmas Dinner
A different option would be all go.to a hotel. Putting her in public might curb her aggression

You have to put yours kids first like she wasn't able to do for you. This means putting your mental health first too. I would go to visit her on one day, perhaps Christmas day itself. Perhaps a shorter visit for the kids or not at all if she will make it unpleasant for them.

This might sound a bit blunt but... You cannot fix this. You cannot fix this because a) you didn't cause it, and b) you aren't doing anything wrong. You are just being entirely normal. Overly accommodating even. And I do understand why. But this is too much.
However you want to look at her - cPTSD, personality disordered, just plain nasty, all of these things - it doesn't actually matter. Because she is being abusive and manipulative towards you. And by association and proximity to your children.
You (and they) do not deserve this. Ignore the threats, the games, ask the police to do a welfare check if you want. But please take steps to protect yourself and to get some peace.

Also, I'd really recommend this book - Will I ever be good enough, Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers by Karyl McBride. And look on the "stately homes" threads in the relationships board. Might help you to feel less alone with this.

And look after yourself, it's an awful feeling, to be treated this way.

I know that's what you want to think and how you are able to justify having her there but that is simply not true. You will be different, you will be stressed and anxious and tense if nothing else and, when you interact with the children like that they will think it is their fault.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. She is hard work. You are giving her so much and have a lot of empathy and kindness. However her emotional baggage and MH issues are not yours to deal with. You owe it to yourself and your family to put yourself first. Well done for going low contact.

Have you heard of the grey rock technique? I have found this quite effective, in addition to when my toxic DM, DF and Dsis start, is to take a breath, and notice how I am feeling (eg anger, frustration, sadness, jeaously, confusion etc etc) and then reply with 'hmmmmmmm', 'yes, I understand', 'that sounds disappointing to you', it can't be easy' etc. Note these words do not indicate you agree with her. I also find keeping visits short, seeing them so that you can control when you go, or doing something else (eg tidy up or go on phone) whilst they drone on and you say lots of hmmmm's quite helpful in not rising to their bait. I think with MH, they are just venting and they don't have filters so I find it best for them to let off steam.

@SimplyPie you clearly love your Mum. If your children notice anything amiss, could you wait until she’s gone home and tell your DC that your Mum is mentally unwell and that you didn’t want to leave her alone at Christmas?

OK, you can't have her around your kids if she's threatening suicide and blaming you. It's a very short step to them feeling then it's their fault if Nanny is upset. That can't be allowed. Agreed with reporting her threats of self harm. She is using this to keep you in your place as the person she can blame for everything. Don't let her pass that on to the next generation.

Tell Her you have been struggling with your own MH and find Christmas difficult so won’t have her over this year . Could you do a short present exchange visit with the kids so you can leave when you want . It’s not her fault she has such poor MH - so poor she can’t access help - but it’s not yours either. I’m sure if she was in a better state of mind she wouldn’t want you all to suffer because of her condition so just say no and don’t feel bad . You have done more than many others would do . The

Your mums story is heartbreaking OP

But I think the trauma you have had is not being recognised and your needs and your emotional balance is all being put second to your mum.

You matter too. Your children matter and they deserve a happy mum, which you didn't get when you were a child.

I would strongly suggest you get counselling and use that time to focus on you and what you need. Your mum will destroy your life if you let her. I can't say if its malicious or she is oblivious to you being a separate being with your own life but the effect is the same.

I am quite an emotionally cold person, I will admit. But you can't save your mum. You can't make her be a stable, positive person. All that energy and emotion you pour into her - she's an empty vessel and will never be satisfied. Put that into your kids instead.

Best of luck.

I’m so sorry @SimplyPie but please know none of this is your fault, you can’t change it and you can’t control it. Someone can be mentally ill but also not a very nice person. Suicide threats as control are abusive, your mum is abusing you and you don’t deserve it, whatever happened to her growing up.

If you feel up to it you could call the police and ask them to do a welfare check. I do suggest you block here, from personal experience you can’t live your life and look after your kids with the fear of these messages in the back of your mind.

Take care and treat yourself to a peaceful Christmas this year x

I agree with nutbutteron toast that you get counselling and use that time to focus on you and what you need. Your kids deserve a happy mother.

You mother has refused to get help or make any changes to her life. She has said that she will kill herself so you will drop all to look after her. The next time she does this ring the police and get a welfare check done.

You and your husband have her in your home for several Christmas. You have done everything possible to suit her with food, activities ect and she just sits there and does nothing to help you out. She can't watch a kids film and makes no effort to engage with your kids. Any conversation from her is always negative or complaining about her life.

So in effect she is in your house and leaving you to deal with everything, is no good with your kid's and she is taking any bit of joy away from you, your husband and kid's at Christmas.

I would not have her in your home this Christmas day or have her staying with you days either around then. Instead I would call to her home a few days before Christmas with presents and with your husband and kid's. Have something to do after this so you can't stay for hours listening to her moaning.

This Christmas is for you, your husband and kid's and you have plans made for the days around this also. You need to tell your mother that you busy with things this year and the kids want to see their friends and go places as they are getting older.
I would not let her ruin another Christmas for you or your kids.

Oh love you, what a hard situation.

Please don't doubt for a second that you're doing the right thing, and this random internet stranger is really bloody proud of you for how you've handled the situation. You've been the adult for your children that you needed for yourself; that's something to be really proud of.

Remain detached. If you believe that the threat of suicide is real, do not engage with her but contact the police for a welfare check. State your boundaries clearly to the police - you do not want contact with her, you will not speak to her or go round to her - they may well ask you these things but you are under no obligation at all to do them and you can cite her abusive and threatening texts as a reason why. Once you have told the police, do nothing else - you don't need to contact her, you don't need to contact them.

She's sensing that her control on you is slipping and she'll become increasingly desperate and cruel in her attempts to claw it back. She's started using the children against you (how dare you buy them presents, I have a right to see them blah blah) - this will get worse, I'm sorry to say, but it's also an important wake up call.

The day my mother switched from begging for me to change everything so she could have a better relationship with me, to being horrible to me because I wasn't letting her see my DC, was the day I realised she didn't actually love me or feel any kind of maternal feeling towards me at all, because she could cast me as the villain in her story so easily and turn on me so sharply. That was a painful but really important step in my journey to being in a much better place, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it now, but I promise it is for the better.

Thank youto everyone who has messaged since my update. I have read and absorbed what you've said, and I really appreciate it, more than you know.. Especially as I don't tell anyone about all this in real life, and it's a heavy burden to carry alone.
She was calling me yesterday afternoon but I didn't answer.
She's left answerphone messages but I can't face listening to them because they will be her shouting at me and telling me I'm terrible and blaming me. It's really made me hyper anxious and I've got to go in and put on a brave face at work all day today in a highly demanding job. The stress of putting on an act at work whilst I feel this level of anxiety is making me feel ill. And I haven't been able to have a nice weekend with my DC, as I have felt anxious and disconnected all weekend.
So thank you all for messaging me, it is giving me strength.xx

Your mistake was letting her in. But I get it’s hard. Ignore the threats of self harm as it’s emotional abuse. Just ignore her full stop and under no circumstances have her at Xmas. Your kids will have picked up on her issues and behaviour, and your reactions, so keep her at a distance. If she cared about them or you she wouldn’t have behaved like she did.!

Just say no you aren’t coming we have other plans . It’s not fair to give your children Christmas’s dominated by a hateful negative woman . And has chosen her choices in life and it’s down to her not you to feel guilt and pick up the pieces . Enjoy your own Christmas and be as sensible as your brother .

What I have learned from witnessing a very similar situation with a close friend is that she’s never going to change unless she wants to change and if you don’t put your foot down and protect your own children and your mental health is thay you’ll just continue to live in this cycle of abuse, blackmailing, guilt tripping and then her being overly nice to try and compensate before it all starts again.

Tell her clearly why you’re taking a step back. Have your boundaries and stick to them and don’t be guilted by her desperate claims of suicide etc.

Tell her what help she needs to get so that she can be a continued part of your life and your children’s life and it’s up to her if she makes that move or not.

You sound like a wonderful mother and a really really caring person. I think you are absolutely right to step away. I always visualise myself as having a certain emotional reservoir to spend. Once you reduce the amount of emotional reserve being absorbed by anxiety and worry you will have so much more emotional energy to give to your children, your husband and yourself. Some people are so damaged that it would take a phenomenal amount of energy from both themselves and others. Someone who is choosing to see herself as a perpetual victim will not want to put that energy in. You have tried. Give yourself permission to step away. Maybe once the children are older and need you less, you may have the energy. But it is not your job. Her job was to look after you as a child. She couldn’t do that and you suffered. Your job is to look after your children and yourself. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas. You deserve this.

YANBU… if she is close enough can you pop round and take her a dinner and then get back to your family? If not then you need to put your own MH first this year

You have been affected by this so much you have exposed your children to something very damaging and dysfunctional. It's not just me talking illness, it's the fact she's refused treatment. So she's not helping herself. And when personality disorders are involved it's hard to see the difference sometimes between them and the mental illness. You need to put your children first.

You have done the right thing having boundaries.

I would send one more text. Not nasty but factual.

Eg I love and care for you very much but your behaviour is unacceptable. Your messages and phone calls are rude and aggressive and I am no longer prepared to put up with this.

I am sorry you feel down and I hope you get some help but I am no longer willing for you to take it out on me.

I will not be in contact at any time before the new year at the earliest. It is not in my interests to have a relationship with you whilst you behave like this towards me. I am my children’s closest person and it is not in their interests to see me treated like this or spoken to like this.

Please do not contact me.

Then block.

Then put your name down for some counselling.

Then as the weeks go by you will start to feel less anxious.

in the new year consider whether you want any sort of relationship. I would recommend not but if you do say I would like to meet up with you but not if you behave like x and y. If she denies it/ says it’s her right then you don’t meet up with her.
It would only be possible to resume any sort of relationship if she says she will stick to your boundaries. If she can’t/ won’t then stick to your guns.
Explain to the kids nanny is unwell and start some sort of new hobby with them as a distraction. Anything. Ice skating/ cubs/ football. Ideally where you can make some other mum friends/ family friends.
It’s not in the kids best interests to see their mum treated badly. Kids know. They hear even if they are not in the room or “asleep”.
The kids will understand if you say nanny is unwell so we can’t see her at the moment as she is being mean to mummy. It’s actually a positive if the kids see that you are able to protect yourself/ them by putting boundaries in place.

The timing is good (although I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it) because you need to skip this Christmas with her which opens the. Conversation about next Christmas. Eg you can come on x day but only if you can be polite.

If you normally buy your mum Christmas presents use the money to do something with the kids. Eg a Christmas activity or take them to choose food to that value and take it to the local homeless shelter. Mine used to like that. There is a list of what they need for our homeless shelter then we just got it cheap at Aldi so weirdly it’s quite a cheap, easy Christmas activity. Or go and see Santa. Anything.

Just don’t allow any contact before the new year. If you can go somewhere else for Christmas eg in laws but if that’s not possible be prepared to not answer the door. You will have to pre warn the children.
Eg nanny is unwell with her mental health but because of that she is being very mean/ unkind to mummy so we can’t see her until she is better. So we can’t see her even if she comes to the house because to get better she needs time to think about her behaviour and learn how to stop being mean.

You're fooling yourself

As someone bought up in a house with an alcoholic parent, I fought hard to keep my kids away from her. Do likewise. Break the chain. Don’t do it for you, do it for them.