To refuse to give a colleague a lift to/from work?

[NotTonightDeidre]

A colleague at work, I'll call her Kate, gets a lift 4 days a week with another colleague, Jen. Jen doesn't work Thursday, but both Kate & I do.

I've given Kate a lift on several occasions but I find it awkward as she's not all that talkative & I'm a very chatty person.

We did some training last week & I was in the same team as Kate, she barely acknowledged me, let alone spoke to me.

We saw each other at work today (we're in different teams day to day) and she half smiled at me. Fast forward to after work & I get a text from Kate asking for a lift tomorrow morning.

AIBU to have replied saying I'm unable to offer a lift at the minute? I feel like a dick, but also, I don't want awkward journeys in my own car.

She didn't even smile at you until she knew you might be able to give her lifts. If you do, then I think you are likely to end up in a situation of "no good deed goes unpunished."

Op if I have this right….
she makes you uncomfortable

there is no friendly interaction on the drive which makes it unpleasant for you

she ignored you at a teams event

she barely acknowledged you in the hallway

she Is already getting lifts 4 days a week from someone else

her only real acknowledgment of you is texting to ask for a lift

simply respond…Kate I’m unable to give you lifts to/ from work. And that’s it…no sorry no explanation no hope you find another lift (she will) and then simply don’t even look at any other texts from her
if she has the audacity to confront you at work simply say again….Kate I’m unable to give you lift. She may make you uncomfortable but this will pass. The first time is hard but it gets easier

This reminds me of thread a year or two ago, where a women was asked by her male colleague for daily
lifts home from work because she drove in his general direction on the way home. Honestly the entitlement of people who, for whatever reason can’t organise themselves or simply don’t want to pay or rely on public transport is astounding. The woman eventually said no to the leech. They quickly go away when you mention the lifts could be reciprocated - no problem Barbara, flying back from Magaluf, landing 7am at Luton, OK to return the favour 👍

Why not be kind and just help her out. You don’t know what she may be going through and she may one day warm up!

She sounds very shy rather than unfriendly. I wonder if she had the chance to open up she might become a quite good friend, people like that often do IME.

@NotTonightDeidre I wonder how she is with "Jen"?

Not that it matters of course, one can welcome whoever they like into their car, or not.

As someone who doesn’t drive I’d find pretty much any way to get somewhere before asking someone for a lift, especially regularly. But at least if I was going to ask someone to do me this favour regularly hypothetically speaking, I’d have the decency to be polite to them and I’d offer (insist) on giving them something small in return even if they didn’t want to accept it. I was brought up to not expect anything from people and to not take something for free without giving something as a token gesture if nothing else. You’re not being unreasonable and this person sounds rude.

Your reply was already perfect. Running a car is expensive and you are paying for the convenience. She is not.

On this basis, every woman ought to be kind and helpful and have sex with every man, regardless of their appeal, age, or general repulsiveness, who asks them out or hopes or expects them to. So what if he's ninety!

OP's time and energy (and car and petrol and other running costs) belong to her and it is ludicrous to suggest she become a do-gooder on wheels for someone who has been ignoring her prior to developing a need for her services.

Your commute is your responsibility, her commute is her responsibility.
I used to have this problem where I had to drive out of my way to pick up a colleague who lived in the middle of nowhere, after she had specifically said she would get the bus to work during induction. When I refused she got our boss to ring me and insist that I drive her. I changed jobs.

Yikes! What happened until you started your new job? I hope you didn't pick her up?

Sounds shy?

Sounds like a user more than anything.

Just thought if male she might have felt awkward?

Giving regular lifts will become a pita, no matter who it is. Just say it’s not convenient and leave it at that op.

All the people saying she is rude clearly have never known or spent time with autistic people...you have no idea why she isn't chatty there's a million reasons why, not just simply assuming she is rude. Not sure why you feel the need to chat so much anyhow or do you have convos with yourself when you drive alone to work. Personally it wouldn't bother me, it's not out of my way and quite frankly I have more important things to worry about than why doesn't someone chat and acknowledge me when she's at work your all there to work not be best buddies anyhow

Why does the op nesd a reason to say no? Why does the person expect regular lifts, why is the op at fault?

Yep rude of her to ask. It would have become an annoyance to you.

Most people here are responding in the assumption that this is about a freeloading situation but that’s not how I read the OP.
The comments here make me quite sad, there’s no empathy for Kate who I understand is a younger newer entry to the workplace. Shunning her because she’s quiet and shy is proper “mean girl “ behaviour. It’s a car share, good for the environment at the very least. Absolutely say you have a policy of sharing costs for work lifts. But her social awkwardness is perhaps something you can treat with kindness and empathy for a car ride?

Maybe a new friend, who might be a bit shy but comes out of her shell a bit?

And yet she wants to travel with someone in a car.

Perhaps you missed the part where the OP is not responsible for "Kate" getting to/from work?

Of course if you are that bothered by the environment BS and Kate's social ditherings, why dont YOU step in and do the lifts since you care so much?

Good for the environment my backside - between that and the other post upthread claiming the age old chestnut of autism, no one would do this for free for someone who is that fucking rude to the OP.

🙄🤦‍♂️

Say no. Why should you accommodate someone who isn’t nice to you? I’d love you to say “no because I find you unfriendly “ it would be good for her

Nothing is stopping "shy, meek, quiet" Kate from gradually opening up and developing a friendship, or making social overtures towards the OP if a friendship is what she is seeking. Over time, it might then become appropriate to ask for the occasional lift.

As it is, she had been rude, has ignored the OP when on work training together, and only suddenly discovered her ability to smile when she realised she could try and cadge a regular lift to and from work from the OP.

I feel for the other poor sap driving her both ways four days a week.

I think it’s incredibly important people know the reaction to their potential name choice.

If someone is going to go ahead and saddle their kid with a name despite being aware of the negativity and that their kid is going to have to deal with that for their entire life because I don’t care I think it’s cute! Or because it’s just so unique! then they are going to make a very selfish parent who doesn’t put their kid first.

Not telling someone to fuck off, entirely unnecessarily and unprovoked is “woke” now? 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m assuming a) you don’t know what woke is and b) you must encounter a lot of “woke” people.

@HelplessSoul You sound nice.