Stranger swore at me in a shop today

[Socialsar]

I was shopping with my DS earlier at a clothing store and a man was sat down. Unfortunately, his bum was exposed due to his jeans being low.

My DS (4yo) mentioned this to me - ‘look at that’ sort of thing. The man overheard and told me to ‘mind my fucking business’ and stood up and walked away.

I was so taken aback I didn’t say anything. Is it me or are people so angry these days?

I think you might have missed out the response you gave to your son when he pointed out the man’s bum. He was probably embarrassed but it’s no excuse to swear at you, is there more to the story? I never encounter any of these weirdos that some people seem to do and I live in a rough area.

A four year old will mostly likely either be attending nursery or school, so it’s not unreasonable to be teaching them basic social standards of behaviour, one of the most basic of which is “don’t comment on people’s bodies in public”.

Now a four year won’t always get it right, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taught the standard or held to it when they make a mistake.

We model the behaviour we wish to see, including apologising when we are rude or make a mistake (even if the man was extremely rude and inappropriate in his response).

You might not agree with me on either manners or parenting but that doesn’t make me a “nut job” or a troll.

But the child wasn't commenting on the man's body.

He didn't say "why does that man have wobbly/big/small/hairy bottom"

He didn't say "why doesn't that man have any hair?"

He didn't say "that man is fat!"

These are all moments you teach a child that we don't comment on other people's bodies because it is rude, and sometimes unkind.

He commented on the man's clothing choice. Not what his bum was like, but merely, that it could be seen.

This is much more like saying:

"Why is he dressed like a parrot?"

Which, if someone is dressed in a parrot costume, isn't a rude or unkind thing to say at all, but a legitimate question.

"I can see his bum" isn't an observation that I would chastise my child for.

It's quite right that we should not expect to see a person's bum out, that this is actually a social boundary they have crossed which other people of any age are perfectly entitled to comment upon.

I'd go so far as to encourage my child to let other people know if they are able to see parts which should be private. For people who aren't vulnerable (eg other men vs women with children) it's practically a civic duty to say "oi mate everyone can see your bum that's disgusting". In my ideal world, that man would hear that 10 or 20 times every day and sort himself out as a result.

I thought the same. He sounds unstable to be honest. Not normal at all to respond so aggressively to a young child.

I ask because someone would need to be either on the wind up or a nutjob to think a 4 year old can regulate their responses to situations such as this.

They're 4 years old for God's sake, barely past toddling age!

Four is well past toddling stage.

Children will of course vary, but I’ve raised two children and both of them knew how to behave in public at 4yo.

They didn't always behave perfectly, but they both knew what was expected.

I’m a bit perplexed at the number of posters on this thread who are talking about 4yos as if they are 2 years olds.

A four year old is not a toddler and I wouldn’t expect them to behave like one.

I’m very perplexed by posters who seem to think a grown man exposing himself to children is all totes fine and actually the child is rude to say something.

To me, that’s a horrific message to give kids. A man exposes a private part of his body and they must be polite about it and keep quiet. Geez.

Have a wee read back. At no point did I suggest that any part of the man’s behaviour was “fine”.

I’m not aware that anyone else did either. If you can find someone saying a “grown man exposing himself to children is fine” then quote that, but don’t attribute statements or opinions to me that I didn’t make, while quoting my post.

Disagree all you like with any of the points I actually made but there’s no need to mischaracterise my posts.

I honestly think that men who dress like that should be refused service/entry into shops. It's disgusting and unacceptable. You didn't do anything wrong, it isn't like a child saying 'look at that fatty'.
I'm reminded of a time years ago when I was in a bar one evening, and there was a man there whose arse was hanging out of his trousers. A guy from another party (ie not one of his friends) walked over to him and pulled his trousers up, to resounding cheers!

It's rude to be with your bottom out in public.

What, in your opinion, was wrong about what the four year old said?

What a nauseating response.

Stupid man should look in a mirror before going out to ensure he is properly dressed. Im sick of men getting in everyone's way in shops looking like they are in comas. I honestly don't know why women don't just leave them at home.

Ok so answer me this- you said your children know what is expected of them. So what exactly would you expect them to say when confronted with a verbally aggressive man with his arse out in front of them?

At 4 years old? Nothing at all. Verbal aggression is for adults to deal with.

And once again you are mischaracterising a post. The OP didn’t describe an aggressive half dressed man randomly swearing at other customers.

She described a man quietly sitting waiting in a shop who responded (inappropriately) when embarrassed by having a wardrobe malfunction pointed out in public.

The OP was naturally upset but the interaction could have been avoided or neutralised.

All of his behaviour was inappropriate, not just the swearing. I don't care how 'quietly' he was waiting. He was indecently dressed and OP's son didn't say a thing wrong. Why are you defending this man?

I’m not defending the man at all. At no point have I defended the man.

Your description of him 'sitting quietly waiting' seems designed to minimise his whole behaviour, which was unacceptable from the get go, when he was out in public indecently dressed.

Oh come on, has society declined to the extent people actually do think it’s ok to have your arse hanging out in public? And then to swear as well. What scum.

Neither of us were there, so neither of us can say whether he was in fact meeting the standard of “indecent”.

The OP, who was there, didn’t describe the man in those terms.

Her concern, not unreasonably, was for the anger and swearing.

I haven’t minimised any behaviour, I was merely addressing the facts as the OP gave them.

I’m going to step away from the thread now. I’ve said everything I had to say in my previous posts and I’m not going to be pushed into arguing a case I haven’t made, based on a a situation the OP did not describe. 🙂

OP said 'his bum was exposed'. In what world is that not indecent? You're just splitting hairs.

It was rude of the bloke but he was probably embarrassed by your child's remark. I wouldn't give this any more headspace whatsoever.

Wow. So from a FOUR year old we expect superhuman levels of situational and societal awareness along with mammoth impulse control but a GROWN man can go about showing his arse with impunity and shout at little kids….OK….

Exactly.. some peoples heads are faulty. Man was obviously an absolute low lifer. Child was normal.