I have 2 grown sons, DS1 is 33 and DS2 is 31. Both are married, DS1 has a 2 year old and a newborn, DS1 has a 17 month old. We don’t live locally to them but make a real attempt to see them as often as we can and they both call often.
I have always felt that DS1 is just the kindest, most genuine man on earth, even as a teenager he was a very kind boy, never had any issues with bullying or misbehaviour, just a genuine delight to raise. DS2 was definitely my more challenging child but ultimately he is also lovely and kind and successful and that’s all that matters.
However I have always noticed slight differences in the way my boys treat their partners, DS1 has always been so respectful of the people he has dated or his now wife, even when times are tough and he’s struggling, he would never insult them, makes a real effort to see things from their perspective and to understand. Ever since he met his wife he has acted like he is the luckiest man on earth and it works as she behaves like the luckiest woman on earth, every time I speak to DS1 he just raves about how amazing his daughters and wife are.
DS2 on the other hand has had a fair share of toxic relationships, I’ve had to remind him at times to check the language he is using when talking about women and I’ve had to remind him that you can disagree with someone, be upset at them and even break up with them without having to insult them, especially insults which are opinion based and unrelated to the issue at hand. Lately on calls he keeps saying how frustrated he is with his wife, things like “K didn’t cook today because she was too tired, so bloody lazy” when just 10 minutes before he was telling me how their child didn’t sleep the night before and his wife was already under the weather with a cold. When I try to remind him that he is also able to cook etc. he just goes on about how she is a SAHM so all the house responsibilities are hers. DS1 would never do this, his wife is also a SAHM, but he consistently makes a point of complimenting how appreciative he is of everything she does at home.
It’s really starting to upset me how DS2 speaks, especially when words like lazy, boring, grumpy, nagging etc. come up. Now I am aware I don’t live with them and maybe she just isn’t being totally fair but I maintain insulting your wife to your mother is never the correct approach and it reads to me that he just doesn’t respect her as much as he should, which would line up with how he treated his exes.
AIBU to hate this behaviour and should I call it out more or leave it as it’s not my marriage and I’m just his mum?