I hate how DS2 speaks about his wife

[ArtyGmam]

I have 2 grown sons, DS1 is 33 and DS2 is 31. Both are married, DS1 has a 2 year old and a newborn, DS1 has a 17 month old. We don’t live locally to them but make a real attempt to see them as often as we can and they both call often.
I have always felt that DS1 is just the kindest, most genuine man on earth, even as a teenager he was a very kind boy, never had any issues with bullying or misbehaviour, just a genuine delight to raise. DS2 was definitely my more challenging child but ultimately he is also lovely and kind and successful and that’s all that matters.
However I have always noticed slight differences in the way my boys treat their partners, DS1 has always been so respectful of the people he has dated or his now wife, even when times are tough and he’s struggling, he would never insult them, makes a real effort to see things from their perspective and to understand. Ever since he met his wife he has acted like he is the luckiest man on earth and it works as she behaves like the luckiest woman on earth, every time I speak to DS1 he just raves about how amazing his daughters and wife are.

DS2 on the other hand has had a fair share of toxic relationships, I’ve had to remind him at times to check the language he is using when talking about women and I’ve had to remind him that you can disagree with someone, be upset at them and even break up with them without having to insult them, especially insults which are opinion based and unrelated to the issue at hand. Lately on calls he keeps saying how frustrated he is with his wife, things like “K didn’t cook today because she was too tired, so bloody lazy” when just 10 minutes before he was telling me how their child didn’t sleep the night before and his wife was already under the weather with a cold. When I try to remind him that he is also able to cook etc. he just goes on about how she is a SAHM so all the house responsibilities are hers. DS1 would never do this, his wife is also a SAHM, but he consistently makes a point of complimenting how appreciative he is of everything she does at home.

It’s really starting to upset me how DS2 speaks, especially when words like lazy, boring, grumpy, nagging etc. come up. Now I am aware I don’t live with them and maybe she just isn’t being totally fair but I maintain insulting your wife to your mother is never the correct approach and it reads to me that he just doesn’t respect her as much as he should, which would line up with how he treated his exes.

AIBU to hate this behaviour and should I call it out more or leave it as it’s not my marriage and I’m just his mum?

He uses a lot of labels doesn't he. I wonder if you labelled him frequently as a child, and he's unconsciously repeating that habit. It's evident that the other child was and maybe still is the favourite.
I'd back off if I were you. These are waters for him and his wife to navigate together.

I agree, i think you need to support the woman in this scenario

Does he do anything at home or is it all down to her?

I would remind him that being a SAHM is relentless, boring and not what you think. Ask him if things would be better if she went back to work and they share the load.

I imagine she is on the Relationship board moaning about her partner being mean to her because she hasn’t cooked dinner because she’s feeling unwell. It’s as old as the hills.

You think it's a woman's fault a man is misogynistic? But that also the guilty woman should do nothing about it? Interesting Catch 22 you have stuck the OP in there.

I agree with you. God forbid a parent should recognise thst one child is a nicer partner/person than another 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Awwwwww. Who's hurt the poor baby 😕.

Lemme guess - it's mommy's fault he's a misogynist, and the other son isn't because he was breastfed longer and given better toys.

Entirely impossible they were raised the same and he's just a twat 🤦🏾‍♀️.

I'm sorry, but I would be very surprised if your very different feeling about your two sons in contrast to one another don't seep through to them. I really hope you don't allow yourself to talk in terms of comparison of them to each other to them. It would be so hard on their relationships, with you and each other. You really didn't need to bring up your paragon of an older son to drive home just how unsatisfactory your younger son is in contrast, in this post.

How your son is talking about his wife to you is concerning. All I would feel I could do in your position, is be very clear in my rejection of what he is saying, and how upsetting it is to hear him speak so, and how damaging it could be to his relationship. However, I wonder if he's a tad numb to negative opinion from his mother?

Completely agree. It’s ok to acknowledge the difference in people. There is no blatant favouritism in what was written initially. I have two children. Both adults now. One was and still is easier than the other. No favouritism here, in fact just the opposite I leant more towards the one who finds life more challenging in an attempt to help them out.

I have adult Dds they are chalk and cheese, i don't understand why posters don't understand why siblings are different in personality and temperament.

I do OP sounds like a caring mother.

I think you should reach our to your DIL if you can and try to forge the most supportive direct relationship with her that you can (difficult given the distance of course). If the marriage doesn't last, then it may make it easier for you to have a relationship with your grandchild long-term if you are on the best terms with the mother.

I'd call him out on it and I'd be telling him how it is from potentially her point view. It's not about taking sides, it's about correcting bad behaviour when you see it.

People are different. Children with the same upbringing in every way can turn out differently.

Clearly your DS2 sounds like a bit of a twat. So what can you do? Not much. Remind him that he's being awful, pull him up on how he talks about women, and... not much else, tbh.

I didn't get from OP's post that her eldest is her favourite at all.

I would just tell him how you feel, OP. It may make him think of it may not but it's really all you can do.

You sound lovely.

This thread perfectly shows why a lot of boy mums are the problem. Jesus wept.

Would you elaborate what you mean i don't understand the boy mum comments.

It's interesting you give so much back story about two sons when it sounds like you have a problem with just one. Your OP could just as easily have said "my son badmouths his wife to me. What should I do?"

You are hearing Son 1's Pollyanna "hello trees, hello flowers, everything's rosy, I love my life" vibe because hey, that's who he is, right? Meanwhile, Wife 1 might be quietly gritting her teeth ('why doesn't he notice I'm unhappy? Why is everything so bloody positive?).

You are hearing Son 2's spiky "my wife is lazy" vibe because, oh of course he would say that, he always does that. When maybe he's actually saying "I'm really unhappy. I don't know how to express this."

I would say "why are you telling me this?" Are you just venting? In which case, you can vent, but I'm not interested in name-calling. Unhappy? OK, do you both need a break? Can I come and take the baby? More serious? Would you consider counselling?

But yeah, bottom line is, name-calling your wife is not a good look.You know that, and I'm surprised you think I am OK with hearing that. So what's the real problem here?

@mbosnz It is ok to describe dc as different! My two are very different. Anyone who knows us knows that. I actually find other people far more judgemental than me. I’ve seen rolling eyes from a Godmother for example. A Godmother who didn’t act like one. I think parents who have dc with very different personalities try ultra hard to treat dc evenly. Years ago my DM failed in this so I’ve been very aware not to do it. Unfortunately the lives of dc aren’t identical and it’s ok to note that, but it’s not choosing a favourite.

@OhDear111 I absolutely agree that it is okay to describe our offspring as different, as they are! However, if the differences are described as overwhelmingly negative on the part of one, and in contrast, glaringly positive of the other, I think we need to seek to recognise, acknowledge it, and address it in our parenting.

Whether or not it's 'choosing a favourite', we need to keep in mind the potential impact of it on our children, because they are potentially going to internalise it that way, regardless of our intent.

I say this as a mother of two very different girls, and yes, I have had it pointed out to me that I spoke very differently about them. It was bloody hard to hear, but it was also fair, and it was impacting my relationship with them, theirs with each other, and how one thought of herself. I worked hard not to make outright comparisons but I didn't hear how these sneaked through just in the way I talked about them.

I have grown up sons and I would speak to him about it. I would be livid if I was you.

I think a parent can and should advise their children at any age. Even if he’s 31.

If he talks like this to you about his wife, likely he talks negatively about her in her presence or even to his friends etc.

I’m sure his wife knows or feels this negativity and over time it will have a terrible compounding effect and set a terrible example to his child about respect etc

I think you should speak to him about this and try and get him to see how this behaviour would be perceived by his wife. Surely he doesn’t want to hurt her? He should find practical solutions to his problems, even if he is justified in thinking his wife doesn’t do her share of the household duties he should talk to her and have a grown up conversation to resolve the issue, not bad mouth his wife to anyone who will listen.

If he has no justification, you should make him realise how hurtful these comments can be and warn him against doing so.

Comparison to his brother is irrelevant here

Just say ‘she’s a SAHM not a slave. You said yourself she has a cold and DD didn’t sleep, at the end of the day her not cooking occasionally doesn’t make her a bad person but you bitching about your wife might’.

To be fair I have realised I jumped to conclusions here - I assumed the women defending the son’s behaviour were mothers of boys who then go on to raise them as coddled manchildren.

I realise it was a big assumption.

It baffles me too.

Agree. I would call him out on it every time he goes there. It's fine to acknowledge that everyone needs a vent now and again and very small children places a huge strain on everyone but he is speaking about his wife in a really abusive tone.

Is this how you were/are treated by his father?

Actually gobsmacked that a 31 year old man in 2025 is under the impression that his wife should be ironing his shirts for him.