DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

[Aggyagro]

Ok so I know this is his decision, but it will definitely affect us both. We are both early fifties and I am in the situation where due to taking time out of pension contributions and doing freelance work when the 3 DCs were young I know I’ll need to work to retirement age.
We go halves on bills, he is the bigger wage earner and I pay the mortgage whereas he does loads of other things. All ok. But now he has started saying that with the DCs all moved out and nearly independent he’ll be looking to take early retirement in the next few years. He’s been paying into his pension and doing all the sums. He says it will mean a sacrifice but it’s ‘doable’. It just means that we will have to do fewer things like takeaways and cut back a bit. Call me mad but I’m struggling to see the advantage to this. When I ask what he plans to do with his time he says ‘nothing,’ with a grin…
Then he says maybe travel more, but then I point out that I’ll still be working and that we’ll have less money, which doesn’t seem to work logically. I can see a few problems ahead, or am I just being selfish?

Start by emailing payroll about your pensions contributions. Please get this kicked off for next payroll run.

Thank you. I’m doing this today. 😊

You need to start by consulting an IFA and probably a lawyer. Even if you don’t divorce you need all of that information to protect yourself.

In our 50s there is very little time to correct mistakes and catch up. Decisions now will affect your quality of life until the day you die. Inform yourself, urgently.

Most people want to travel, enjoy hobbies, etc in retirement, not sit around counting the cost of every teabag. Is he planning to lead a financially “stretched” existence for possibly 40 years, and expect you to fall in with that?

How utterly dismal. He’s a relatively young man.

"Brilliant news! So glad you've got enough to start thinking about putting your pension pot to good use!

How much is the tax-free lump sum you'll get? Obviously we'll need to use that to pay off a chunk of the mortgage, allowing you to take over the (now smaller) mortgage payments, so I can use my earnings to build up my pension pot and investments over the next few years. That'd really help our future fiances, as you know I lost out on all those earnings when we had the children.

Totally take your point about having to cut back, that makes sense. But it would be nice for me not to have to worry about any household stuff as you'll have plenty of time, so I'll be able to enjoy my non-working days a bit more.

I might even have enough time to have some weekends away with friends myself, especially as you're in a position to pick up the household and financial slack. You massive cockwomble."

Another example of why yours and mine doesnt work. Its our money when you are a family unit.

Point out that if he takes early retirement you will be doing the same and his pension needs to cover both of you. If not its not possible. If he disagrees then point out that in a divorce its part of the family unit assets and 50% yours and you will HAVE to divorce him to protect your future.

I think the major issue here is that your balance isn't fair. He's in this position because the way in which you have managed finances during the marriage has penalised you for childcare.

If he could take early retirement whilst also doing as much as possible to sort your pension out, that would be more fair. I accept this is much tougher in your 50s but nobody has a time machine. However, as things stand he's looking at taking it on the back of your time out.

DH and I are the opposite of you, I’m the high earner and he took on more flexible roles when the kids were young (we both suffered equally with night wakings though!). As a result my pension pot is 5 or 6 times what his is, but all decisions about retirement will be based on when we can both give up work and have the lifestyle that we want, there’s no way I’d retire without him doing the same. Plan is to get the mortgage paid by mid/late 50s then see where we are. I doubt either of us will retire fully then as we don’t like being idle, but you never know!

Your DH is a selfish dick!

Yes dh has always out-earned me considerably but we will retire together - I can’t imagine a state of the world where he’d suggest he puts his feet up and I carry on FT work.

Excellent idea!

Whilst your situation is unfair what are the actual numbers? Has he actually fully calculated and costed current living expenditure and the projections of him retiring early? I doubt that very much. Get your own projections. They are also changing the age at which anyone can access their workplace pensions from 55 to 57 from April 2028 because too many people retired early. He may not even be able to do this when he wants. As much as MN may be deriding him for being selfish and rightly so he is very obviously a bit thick and has not researched it properly.

Amongst myself and DH friendship group 8 of us have taken early retirement in our fifties since 2021. But all of us did the sums, we are couples in long marriages and it was all mutually agreeable.

This is absolutely correct. I was in a similar situation to the op, having being persuaded to stay at home as my ex was a high earner. He offered a pitiful amount of his pension but court awarded me virtually half.

i suspect the op’s DH is winding her up here unless he has significant investments on top of his pension. You cannot access pension funds until age 55.

Unless he is financially very savvy, the best advice on retiring is always take advice from a financial advisor who will draft proper plans detailing likely retirement income and the optimum time to start drawing on your pension. If he doesn’t have this type of planning in place then he’s probably not serious.

Had me laughing out loud!😂

Brilliant, and a great blueprint for the conversation / plan.

Exactly this - it all feels really dull and grey with me still working full time for a lower standard of living and not being able to do anything I had planned travel wise or anything. And his work is not unusually stressful, in fact he already works from home much of the time (he’s in IT), and previously turned down management type roles.

But actually an excellent plan in what to talk about.
He is clearly wanting to retire expecting that his life will stay the same - him doing little in the house, still enough spare money for HIM to travel (and yet not enough for ‘futilities’ such as a take away together).

He needs a (strong!!) dose of reality check.

Just a thought but is there any chance he could be being sacked or made redundant and is sugar coating it?

I don’t think so, he’s fiddling about with spreadsheets and talking about doing it in the next couple of years, so not immediate. No sense of panic! Just complacency ….

I’m probably being unduly alarmist, but given OP’s mention of her DH’s low opinion of her financial nous, I think she has to ensure she’s comprehensively informed on how his salary has been spent over the years.
He might be banking on a lack of acumen, certainly of scrutiny. (Engage a forensic accountant?)

Has he been salting away a portion of his salary before the rest hits the joint account, for example, and would these ‘private’ savings cushion him in enjoyable early retirement, while he pleads the poor mouth and demands that his 50% contribution to the household be reduced?
Nothing would surprise me where such a chap is concerned.

And no sign of you and your needs on the spreadsheet, what a prince 🙄

Is he 55 yet OP? You can’t take chunks out tax free till then? Has he got a full NI record for 35 years? I would want to see all the figures in great detail. I think a lot of men who haven’t had an odd few years off for childcare or doing part time become desparate for a break without thinking it through properly - and what looks like a lot suddenly isn’t , if he was 58 or so with a very big pension pot and not reliant on me carrying on I might think differently , - I suspect this isn’t the case and a bloke giving up to do nothing to me isn’t that appealing - although I guess some women wouldn’t really care about that if they were not doing much either- I honestly think some men would be better asking for a 3 month unpaid sabbatical , have some holidays with you and then see how they feel about it

What a selfish fxxker you are married to.
I really hope you will take no prisoners here as you deal with him.

If you suspect that he has separate savings, not unheard of, a forensic accountant will be money well spent.

He thinks you are dim financially, let him see you are not.

Calculate what you need to put into your pension to compensate and if he barfs at the idea, seriously look at what splitting will look like.

The amount of people that I have heard that retired a bit early, just pre covid and have returned to jobs because the CoL crisis made being retired no fun at all.

Being retired and living comfortably costs serious money.
So many simply don't get that until they are in it.

Also OP, if he’s planning on maybe travelling a bit more, how does that fit with you still working if you aren’t self employed/freelance ( and even then it’s not always straight forward-clients/deadlines etc)
what’s he thinking- golf weeks? Does he have loads of mates who could go away at the drop of a hat? He doesn’t exactly sound likes back packing round South America on his own kind of guy - !! And all this takes serious money, not the kind of money where he’s factoring in dropping a few takeaways etc - otherwise it’s the middle aged bloke version of stopping Netflix and avo on toast gets you a house in the south east etc- ask to see all the figures and have a sniff around if you suspect separate investments/accounts you were totally unaware of - and whilst we are at it ‘why’ are you paying all the mortgage and half the bills? Leaving him it looks like to overpay on pension and possibly sneak money away - I might want to see his bank statements too if you can - get a feel for what’s going on

and who gets to say what’s a luxury you don’t need? I’d rather have a takeaway on Friday, than one holiday in the summer per year - if you’re cutting back, it has to be something you both don’t value that much.

I am doubting his financial nous at this stage…

Complacency, that's our neighbour. He's in IT preventing hacks in gambling sites. His wife had four children, his idea. She and her mother cared for them because he's very important ya know.

Well we suspect he's got lazy, because now granny looks after the kids, mums out working, he's still working from home but finds time for long cycle rides in his lycra.

He's living the dream with two women doing all the grunt work.