All of my children have now moved abroad

[Mamsiet4]

I have 4 adult DC, DS1 is 27 and lives in Frankfurt, DD1 is 25 and lives in Geneva, DS2 is 24 and lives in Luxembourg and DD2 is 22 and just announced she is moving to Amsterdam in January. There father who I divorced from 15 years ago was from Switzerland so they all have the right to live and work in the EU with few restrictions and I appreciate that right now there isn’t massive appeal to staying in the UK, however it has really upset me. For various reasons I struggle with travel now, one being 3 years ago I sold my London property and moved back up north after spending over 30 years in London to care for my parents, this just limits the ease of travel to an extent. Caring for my parents also means I can’t just hop on a plane, I need to arrange other care for them first which isn’t always easy as my only sibling has a disabled child she is the sole carer of. I also struggle with fatigue and chronic joint pain now so struggle with travel more than I did before.
Of my 3 children who already live abroad I already struggle to meet up with them. Other than Christmas it is impossible for me to arrange to see them all at once as they are all so busy with their own lives. Sometimes I can catch two of them at once but that takes so much planning. Adding in a 4th isn’t going to make it any easier I know that for sure. I also just can’t arrange enough care for my parents or really afford to go on 4 different trips a year just to see each of them twice and that’s not even a certainty as lately one has always been missing from Christmas, either with their dad or their partners family.
This has made me really sad, my sister is now a grandma and I see how close she is to her grandchildren, realistically I will never have this. I can’t imagine most of them will move home ever, DD1 certainly won’t, I can’t imagine DS1 will, harder to tell for DS2 or DD2 but I’d guess unlikely. I will also never have the option of just moving to be closer to any of them as I don’t have an EU passport.
I also don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it, my parents are frail and elderly now so I would never concern them with my worries, I can’t talk to my sister as anytime I mention my children she just tells me I need to just be grateful I have 4 children who are capable of independence (she has 2 disabled one who needs 24 hour care and another who needs a lot of support to live independently, so I do sympathise that my issue do seem insulting to her). I have some friends but they all have children locally and will be involved grandparents when the time comes.
I do speak to my children often, about once a week and we have a family group chat which is active most days, however some of these conversations I’m finding much harder, such as DD1 sharing the baby name list she made with her partner made me realise that I will likely only see these grandchildren once or twice a year if/when they arrive.

AIBU to be so sad about this? Does anyone have any advice?

Of course you're sad.

It’s really difficult. Allow yourself to feel sad, I would too. Hopefully you’ll also be able to feel proud that you have raised children who are confident to travel and make good lives for themselves.

I would be sad too. Proud but sad.

My mum dealt with this for a while as both my sister and I lived abroad at the same time. Now we’re both in the uk, I’m not far from her but my sister lives a few hours away. Honestly, it is a beautiful thing, she gave us the sense of adventure and the confidence to do it, that’s a beautiful gift to give your children. I love her dearly for it. (My dad too, as they’re still together)

Understandable

You are not being unreasonable to feel like this OP, but I do think in time this will seem better. A few things I hope might help you feel better;

my MIL lives abroad and her grandchildren all live in the UK. She FaceTimes her children and the grandkids very frequently and messages them directly (the ones who have phones). They all talk about her very affectionately.

From where I live in the north there is a ferry to Amsterdam which is not too expensive and means you can take your car (if you drive). You could meet your DD2 in Amsterdam (fab place!) and drive onward to visit others or they could come and meet you a little closer. Then you could see several in one trip abroad rather than loads of different flights.

I understand not talking to your sister about it, but surely your parents would understand. Obviously you don’t want to say anything about the caring responsibilities but just talking solely about your feelings I think if my child was upset I would want to be there for them emotionally.

Try not to be unhappy about the things that haven’t yet happened. I have a close friend who lives 10 minutes away from her family but they don’t speak. Having seen how my MIL manages it I do think distance isn’t the obstacle we imagine it to be!

Let yourself have the feelings for now but as I say, I think it will be better than you imagine.

It is sad but you should be proud of yourself for raising such confident children

It's completely natural to be sad - there are lots of things to be grateful for, in that they are all independent and doing well, but that doesn't alter the fact you'd like to see more of them.

They clearly really want to be in touch with you and each other, so that's another feather in your cap.

I wouldn't express too much sadness to them, but rather phrase it positively, but is there anyway they could collectively help with the cost of travel, so you are seeing one or tother every 6 weeks or so? (which is as often as families in different parts of the UK see each other.) I know you have your parents to look after but is there any respite care or could they be ok for a few days if your sister kept an eye on them? I also hear that travel isn't easy for you, but at least the flights are short.

I think it's quite unusual to have 4 adult kids together at the same time, unless they are all really local, so I wouldn't worry about that too much - seeing them in ones or twos is good.

I'm sorry, you have every right to be sad. I would say though, that things can change. A friend whom I never thought would come back to the UK did once she'd decided to start a family. Another has also surprised me by moving back to our home town. It's lovely that you have a good relationship with all your children.

That is sad but they're still young! You have done a great job with how independent they are - citizens of the world not just england!

Perhaps if finances allow you could try and book in an annual tradition - a big villa where everyone comes to stay. Or a Eurocamp/centre parks style holiday. It would be guaranteed to see them especially if you paid most of it
Otherwise perhaps you could do short weekend breaks or just an overnight - some flights are quite cheap and they could come and meet you in a different city closer to an airport as a day out, rather than you going to meet them in their home. Think extreme day trips or spa overnight breaks

Have they been away long? I realise you'd quite like to see them together but with 4 I'd have thought you'd have regular visitors? Maybe they're not home sick yet.

Also fair chance they could move back before having their own families.

It sounds tough but you obviously did a great job.

I’ve been an expat my whole speaking life and have no doubt that my 4DC will be too. It breaks my heart but it’s the life we have taught them and it’s been a fabulous one: filled with discovery, excitement, adventure and endless new experiences.

I want what is best for them always and being able to seize all the options with both hands without constraint is what it is all about

what about them visiting? It doesn't have to be all at once, even better if it's not - that spreads the visits for you , and you spend a lot less time alone.

The downside of being an expat is that you sacrifice some holidays to see family, but you can still make a holiday of coming to England.

Even if you only see the grand-children once or twice a year, you might see them for several days at a time. and the beauty of internet, you'll be in touch much more often so they won't be strangers at all.

It's not as ideal as having a granny annex of course, but it doesn't have to be as lonely and isolated as you fear.

It’s ok to be sad. But I think you’re amazing, raising such independent kids.

DD1 has been away for 7 years (since uni), DS1 6 years, DS2 2 years. They all love travelling and also have to make time to see their dad who now lives in Italy, so for my eldest 2 I’ve only been able to see them about 2 times a year in the last 3 years (once me going to them another them to me).
Both my parents require quite a lot of care and while we can access carers or my sister can help this takes time and money which we don’t always have in abundance.

I know for certain DD1 won’t move back to the UK, she couldn’t have left any quicker if she tried and hasn’t looked back once. DS1 is similar.

It’s tricky and with DD2 leaving it will only get trickier.

You’re right to feel sad, I would feel sad. You have raised independent adults so also be proud of that. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you

struggle with fatigue and chronic joint pain

Matbe lookbat your parents getting care from LA or using their funds to pay for care so you not a full time carer for them?
You need to look after yourself

My mum has dementia so I tend to avoid mentioning that they have moved away as it upsets her every time. I could talk to my dad about it but he’s a very stoic man and not very good with emotions.

That sounds really sad. BUT you have raised independent children who are living the lives they want, making bold decisions about where they want to live - and let’s be honest probably enjoying a far nicer day to day life that many of their peers in the UK.
It’s lovely that you speak weekly and message most days that just shows that you are loved and important. I wonder if when your children have their own children whether they might reach out to you more.
I think that there’s nothing to be lost from saying you are worried how you will get to see them all, that you love and miss them and although your caring responsibilities don’t allow for it, you wish you could see them more often. Perhaps they could make more trips to UK.

We had the same thing for a few years. The children came home to us at different times which was lovely. Think this is how you should handle it.

DS1 and DD1 just don’t visit very often, I know it’s not a lack of wanting to. In DS1s case he loves meeting up with his friends and going on holiday with them. DD1 is in a sticky predicament of her partners mum lives in France, his dad in Austria, then I’m in England and her dad is in Italy so even just visiting each parent once in a year is 4 trips, she also went to uni in Paris so loves going back to see her uni friends, she just doesn’t have a massive connection with the UK anymore.

You’re not unreasonable for feeling sad. Some constructive advice (all my parents’ DC live abroad):

1 don’t try to see them all at the same time. It’s very difficult for 5 adults to coordinate schedules. Add on partners and children and it’ll be impossible

1. Focus on building a rich personal and social life where you are. Probably very difficult to imagine when you’re hands-on caring for elderly parents. But you will need to at some point.

3 try to start adjusting the life your children are telling you you will have from the one you want and had envisaged. Your life will not be based around your children and grandchildren. Other rich and happy lives are possible, in which your descendants will be magical additions.

Finally, is there any chance you can forge a relationship with their father that allows you to see your DC when they’re visiting them? Not all of the time but some of the time?

Ah I’m sorry OP, you have such a lot to deal with too. I hope my response didn’t come across as overly positive. I do think it’s completely natural that you’re feeling this way.

as others have said, you have clearly done a good job raising such competent and confident adults!

I had one son living in Vancouver and second son moved to Melbourne. Really missed them but also happy that they are happy. It’s a very strange feeling as a Mum . Youngest now back in London 😊seeing him over the weekend and I am flying to Melbourne next week to see other son …cannot wait! Thankfully daughter lives very close so see her 2-3 times a week. In the perfect world they would all be happy living in the UK but understand 💯 why that’s not the case !

It’s such a double edge sword isn’t it OP. We spend years helping them grow, to gain independence and off they go.

I feel your pain x