All of my children have now moved abroad

[Mamsiet4]

I have 4 adult DC, DS1 is 27 and lives in Frankfurt, DD1 is 25 and lives in Geneva, DS2 is 24 and lives in Luxembourg and DD2 is 22 and just announced she is moving to Amsterdam in January. There father who I divorced from 15 years ago was from Switzerland so they all have the right to live and work in the EU with few restrictions and I appreciate that right now there isn’t massive appeal to staying in the UK, however it has really upset me. For various reasons I struggle with travel now, one being 3 years ago I sold my London property and moved back up north after spending over 30 years in London to care for my parents, this just limits the ease of travel to an extent. Caring for my parents also means I can’t just hop on a plane, I need to arrange other care for them first which isn’t always easy as my only sibling has a disabled child she is the sole carer of. I also struggle with fatigue and chronic joint pain now so struggle with travel more than I did before.
Of my 3 children who already live abroad I already struggle to meet up with them. Other than Christmas it is impossible for me to arrange to see them all at once as they are all so busy with their own lives. Sometimes I can catch two of them at once but that takes so much planning. Adding in a 4th isn’t going to make it any easier I know that for sure. I also just can’t arrange enough care for my parents or really afford to go on 4 different trips a year just to see each of them twice and that’s not even a certainty as lately one has always been missing from Christmas, either with their dad or their partners family.
This has made me really sad, my sister is now a grandma and I see how close she is to her grandchildren, realistically I will never have this. I can’t imagine most of them will move home ever, DD1 certainly won’t, I can’t imagine DS1 will, harder to tell for DS2 or DD2 but I’d guess unlikely. I will also never have the option of just moving to be closer to any of them as I don’t have an EU passport.
I also don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it, my parents are frail and elderly now so I would never concern them with my worries, I can’t talk to my sister as anytime I mention my children she just tells me I need to just be grateful I have 4 children who are capable of independence (she has 2 disabled one who needs 24 hour care and another who needs a lot of support to live independently, so I do sympathise that my issue do seem insulting to her). I have some friends but they all have children locally and will be involved grandparents when the time comes.
I do speak to my children often, about once a week and we have a family group chat which is active most days, however some of these conversations I’m finding much harder, such as DD1 sharing the baby name list she made with her partner made me realise that I will likely only see these grandchildren once or twice a year if/when they arrive.

AIBU to be so sad about this? Does anyone have any advice?

They might change their minds when the grandkids arrive. It’s very hard to do it abroad without family support. Me and all my siblings, plus DH and all his siblings moved abroad. Most of us have been away for 10+ years.
we’re now all moving home (planning to live in the same town, haha!) because we all have kids and want them to grow up together near the grandparents. Our parents are overjoyed obviously!

I don’t think it’s helpful for OP to know what kind of parent you will be in the future! She is living this now! Plus you stayed in the UK, all of OP’s kids are going to be abroad.

I would be gutted. People on mnet are always so determinedly positive about young people travelling and emigrating but I don't want my kids to unless the situation here is so dire that none of us can face staying.

My siblings and I have always said we couldn't do it. One sibling lived briefly in another european city (for about 18m) and hated it, missed us all so much

The point of my post @nomaswas to try to get the OP to see if from her children’s perspective and to let them do their thing without guilt.

Of course I don’t know what kind of parent I’ll be in the future 🙄

Why do you get to control what your children do as adults?

OP I really feel for you. I only have one DC who is still small and I know it would be wonderful to see the world but oh how I would miss her. And that’s only one!

I don’t have any suggestions. You sound like a lovely person thinking about others and taking care of them, when it isn’t easy for yourself. I am a single mum so I guess I understand the being alone part and also having to manage not great health. I sympathise.

Posting purely to say I would find this incredibly tough too.

Lots of families have these difficulties but the far flung aspect does magnify it. Absolutely leaving London is worse if you need to do regular international travel. Or for your kids to get to you.

Either you get far less travel options and more expensive tickets going from a local airport if you even have one. Plus a long expensive cab and train to get to the local airport if you don’t have a local airport.

Or, you pay to travel down to London airports and stay in airport hotel or go by Eurostar with same expensive long winded arrangements. The UK travel adds days on to your trip. The cheap tickets are at wierd times and landing or leaving at 3am is just much more complicated and exhausting if you have already travelled far in the UK.

Your move feels a bit like your kids’ moves though OP. Maybe not permanent? What are your plans after your parents have gone?

I’d be trying to maximize your own life and what makes you happy while you still
have this level of health. Your parents and sister might give you that happiness but if they don’t, start making plans to make a change. Also think carefully about whether or how this level of caring work might affect your health and finances longer term. Make sure you’re not limiting your future by this, or try to accept that you’re choosing to limit your future by this.

So would you consider loving to a big city with an airport when your parents are gone?
What is your relationship with your ex like?
Is thete any mutual support you can give each other in making plans to see your kids at the same time?

OP’s posts make it clear that she does see it from her kids’ perspectives and that she has no intention of guilt tripping them.

She has said she understands her children do want to visit more but have other obligations too.

Airports exist outside London. Moving north doesn't have to affect how often you can travel to Europe.

Of course it’s sad but I agree with a pp that it’s partly a situation of your own making. Not them living abroad but how little you are able to see them.

By the sound of it, at the same time they were moving away from London, you also took yourself away from the only place in the UK they had roots, gave up paid employment and became a carer. You now have minimal income and refuse to put additional support in place to allow you more freedom.

If the situation bothers you that much, you could make changes.

I know, I’ve found some of those posts odd aswell.

It is sad that you have given them wings but yours are clipped because of your own parents.
I hope you can all get together soon.

They've flown the nest and are seemingly flourishing in life. You should be proud how you've raised them,

Honestly OP you moving up north won't have helped things - they've got no base to come back to. They're all in Europe, close enough for fairly regular short trips. Get some care in for your parents and see your kids.

So understandable.

To offer a bit of hope, I moved to Australia for 10 years when I was 27. I had my children there and I know it devastated my mum. I moved back with my husband and children to the UK when the kids were young because as time went on it became so hard that we didn't have grandparents nearby (not practically, we were very independent, but I saw what was missing from their lives)

I'd also like to say you should be proud of how capable and adventurous they are. You did that! And also fortunate. My son has autism and I don't think he will ever achieve that level of independence. I'm not saying 'count yourself lucky!' because I know it's painful. Just wanted to offer a different perspective.

It is sad but sometimes when we raise our children we can narrow their horizons or widen them. You widened their horizons and now they are experiencing the best of the world. Nigel Farage narrowed their horizons horizons for British children and so they won’t get to experience that unfortunately unless a parent is European. Be proud.

Re people criticising the OP for moving up north, she chose to care for her parents, which is a decent thing to do. TBH the OP's children feel quite self-absorbed. They could have had a "well mum's life isn't easy right now & my grandparents haven't got long to go, maybe I could make an effort to pop back once a year" thought process. They're adults not teens. I live in another country from my own family & sometimes you just have to make an effort. I guess I'm surprised at all the 'be proud' stuff on here!

OP- time to care for youirself.

You have spent most of your adult life in a caring role- your children, parents, other relatives.

Time to break free.
Caring can swallow us up, make us forget who we are- it can be life stealing.

Address your own health issue, have a review of your own physical and mental health too. and focus on healing.
Changes need not be expensive - but you need to find ways move, perhaps meditate, find a creative outlet, nurture new friends.

Society tells us - as women that to surrender our lives and to martyr ourselves in the service of others is noble- it isn't- that is hogwash.

Your parents need support- but you don't need to be the one to deliver it. Do they have a care package in place?

Be a good example to your children- show them that you still have fire and self worth.

It depends where you're going. If we want to fly direct to visit family we have a choice between a 3 hour journey to Heathrow or a 4 hour journey to Gatwick.

I think that adults make the decisions that suit them / options open to them at the time.

i have seen my parents approximately 3 times a year since I was 14 ( now in my 50s) as first of all they, them I, lived in different countries. Sometimes more but mostly less. It’s an unfortunate situation for you, so understandable that you are sad about it.

the Hull/Rotterdam or Newcastle/ Amsterdam overnight ferry is a great option, either as a foot or car passenger, and reasonable cost if booked in advance.

I also think there are things you can do.

The Italy question sounds a possibility.
Would taking an AirBNB in Paris so they could all meet there help. There are direct trains from all those cities to Paris (Also Zurich I think).

If you are experiencing fatigue and joint pain are there things you can do there- most cases will be related to either auto immune disease which can be treatable or obesity which is treatable. It will make a huge difference to your life.

All of those destinations are one flight from Liverpool. Your parents aren't going to be around forever. London money goes a long way in Liverpool. You're going to have to work with what you have and can manage. All of my children live within a 30 minute drive, but because of working hours etc I don't see them all together.

Its a relationship shame that this is a reality for so many Westerners now. We need to fix our society.

OP your post is heartbreaking, I am so, so sorry.
You have every right to feel sad.
My heart goes out to you, no advice as there isn't anything I can suggest to ease your burden.
I also suffer with chronic pain so totally get the issues in relation to travel and caring responsibilities.
It is great your children are independent but that also comes with a price and an emotional cost for you which cannot be underestimated.
My heart goes out to you OP xx

Mamsiet I see why you are sad- but a couple of things stand out:
What are you living on? Do you work and what are you doing about your pension provision? You need 35 years of contributions to get a full state pension, which isn’t much!

Are you caring for your parents on your own? Please for your own sake get more help, what would happen if your physical and mental health breaks down?

Ryanair fly from many regional airports to all over Europe for peanuts if you buy your tickets at the right time. If you have health issues you can book extra assistance so there would be someone to help at the airport.
Also you shouldn’t have to worry about accommodation- you will be staying with your children.

Im not saying don’t look after your mum and dad, but don’t give up your whole life. You need and deserve a life too- you are not on earth just to be their carer.