All of my children have now moved abroad

[Mamsiet4]

I have 4 adult DC, DS1 is 27 and lives in Frankfurt, DD1 is 25 and lives in Geneva, DS2 is 24 and lives in Luxembourg and DD2 is 22 and just announced she is moving to Amsterdam in January. There father who I divorced from 15 years ago was from Switzerland so they all have the right to live and work in the EU with few restrictions and I appreciate that right now there isn’t massive appeal to staying in the UK, however it has really upset me. For various reasons I struggle with travel now, one being 3 years ago I sold my London property and moved back up north after spending over 30 years in London to care for my parents, this just limits the ease of travel to an extent. Caring for my parents also means I can’t just hop on a plane, I need to arrange other care for them first which isn’t always easy as my only sibling has a disabled child she is the sole carer of. I also struggle with fatigue and chronic joint pain now so struggle with travel more than I did before.
Of my 3 children who already live abroad I already struggle to meet up with them. Other than Christmas it is impossible for me to arrange to see them all at once as they are all so busy with their own lives. Sometimes I can catch two of them at once but that takes so much planning. Adding in a 4th isn’t going to make it any easier I know that for sure. I also just can’t arrange enough care for my parents or really afford to go on 4 different trips a year just to see each of them twice and that’s not even a certainty as lately one has always been missing from Christmas, either with their dad or their partners family.
This has made me really sad, my sister is now a grandma and I see how close she is to her grandchildren, realistically I will never have this. I can’t imagine most of them will move home ever, DD1 certainly won’t, I can’t imagine DS1 will, harder to tell for DS2 or DD2 but I’d guess unlikely. I will also never have the option of just moving to be closer to any of them as I don’t have an EU passport.
I also don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it, my parents are frail and elderly now so I would never concern them with my worries, I can’t talk to my sister as anytime I mention my children she just tells me I need to just be grateful I have 4 children who are capable of independence (she has 2 disabled one who needs 24 hour care and another who needs a lot of support to live independently, so I do sympathise that my issue do seem insulting to her). I have some friends but they all have children locally and will be involved grandparents when the time comes.
I do speak to my children often, about once a week and we have a family group chat which is active most days, however some of these conversations I’m finding much harder, such as DD1 sharing the baby name list she made with her partner made me realise that I will likely only see these grandchildren once or twice a year if/when they arrive.

AIBU to be so sad about this? Does anyone have any advice?

When’s the right time to buy air tickets? I didn’t know about that.

When they are cheap- usually well in advance. Ryanair do lots of special offers, and you are more likely to get a good price if you book early out of school holidays.

I have one child who is 16 clever, interested in countries and languages and motivated to pursue his dreams so could well move away when he is older.

My youngest has autism and at 7 is largely non verbal at special school and will always need to be cared for.

What I really want for my children is for them to be happy and settled with independent lives before I pass away. I want my passing away, and my husbands passing to be a sad ripple in their lives and not a major catastrophe. It will be the case for me when my parents pass as I have had my own family for many years. Hopefully this will be the case for my eldest but I can't see it for my youngest.

It is sad for you OP but because your children are confident and independent it is you that carries the pain of missing them. If they weren't able to spread their wings and be independent then they wouldn't cope well without you and they would struggle in the future.

You gave them their wings and allowed them to fly when all you wanted was to keep them close. That's love.

I have ill parents. Respite care is arranged. Book cheap flights as far in advance as you can to see each child each year and book a room only air b and b near their homes. I don't think the situatuon should be this extreme. How do you think they feel if you don't book individual regular trips to see them?

Hi OP, sorry for not having much advice.

From a reverse point of view, I am the (very) adult only child, who moved abroad 25 years ago.
It was one of the best decisions of my life.
You get no choice at the beginning, so you make your own.
As a PP said, of course you are uneasy.
I'm very low contact with my remaining elderly parent, how about your adult children?
How often are visits, phone calls?

We're expats with parents in the North. If we in the UK, we still wouldn't see them much because our jobs would be in London and they live somewhere that's harder to get to than Amsterdam. We'd be unlikely to drive 2 children 6h to stay on camp beds in s village with nothing to do more than once per year. You might be kidding yourself how much you'd see them if they were in the UK! I do sympathise about the lack of passport. When your parents have gone, you'll be able to spend 90 days in the EU and possibly at that point one of the kids will have kids and a bit house in the suburbs where you can stay. That's our plan as our parents get older.

If only it were that easy......

Of course you feel sad - totally natural.
Have a look at the choices you are making.
Caring for your parents would be a huge obstacle to seeing a lot of your kids and/or grandkids even if they lived in the UK.
Are they at ‘end of life’ stage? Or is that going to be a long-term commitment, because that IS a choice.
Where are you all living up north that it prohibits ease of travel? Could you move closer to an airport?
Once your caring duties are over, could you move back to London, to access the Eurostar etc more easily?

I find when I’m in a less than ideal situation, planning ahead lifts my spirits and gives a light at the end of a tunnel.

Yes, there’s that. Not, obviously, that the OP should have arranged her own life to suit her children once they’d left home, but it does remove their ‘base’, and caring for her parents in another part of the country prevents her travelling to see them as easily as she could have. I do think that getting proper support in place for her parents is a good first step to making the OP less tied.

OP, if it’s the slightest consolation, at one point my parents were in our native Ireland, while my siblings and I were living in Beijing, Tokyo, Greece, the ME and the US. Your distances are much more manageable.

I can imagine it must be very hard for you.

It sounds like their lives were always on this path though - a Dad from Switzerland who now lives in Italy, one of your DC going to uni in Paris, one of your children having in-laws in other countries. It sounds like their lives have been quite international from the start.

It must be very tough on you, however, your children are pursuing their dreams, and also have managed to escape the UK. I bet their standard of living is so much better in the countries they are in. For them, it’s a great opportunity. We all want our children to be happy, and it sounds like yours are pursuing their happiness.

I can imagine having 4 children you never expected to be in this position. But as life moves forward you might find at least one child moves back, and if they don’t, when you no longer have caring duties you might get opportunities to see more of them then.

YANBU to feel sad, it must be tough on you being so far away from them all.

I moved abroad and can't visit often but my children are close to their grandparents despite this.

This is par for the course with parenthood. You raise your children and then they leave. If it is concerning that you had not figured this out beforehand.

I would be sad too BUT they are all wonderful places to live. They aren't "fuck off I hate you" places, or places to spend their life drinking on the beach drifting from job to job, they are places where they will be creating good quality lives. I would be so proud.

DD is at uni and wants to move to similar areas, and whilst it will kill me, I just think of how much better her life will be - I've already told her to not feel obliged to return to our city.

But they do still...make an effort? One of her DC hasn't come back to visit her, or presumably her parents (their very elderly grandparents) in seven years? Despite living a short Ryanair flight away. I'm an immigrant and lived in four different countries in the course of my twenties, but I still got on a plane several times a year and visited, especially once I had relatives too old to travel. Surely its just what you do if you aren't completely self-absorbed? I just don't get the flack the OP is getting from some people.

I am an immigrant too and have been living in the UK for many years. The Ryanair stage that your mention works while you are still young. Once you marry someone and have children it is not so straightforward to just to pop over and leave your partner behind dealing with their work and the young children.

This is simply a reflection of adults making choices. The OP chose to move away and care for her parents - that's fine, it's what she wants, but all of her children also made the choice to move to Europe. Also fine, but it sounds like the OP didn't factor in the pros and cons of being a carer.
Personally, I think it's marvellous that these adult kids are all living in fabulous cities - don't be defeatist, OP, I'm sure you'll be able to travel if you really want to do it.

I don't think OP says they haven't come back at all. She says it's once a year. Which is not unreasonable in my opinion.

And yet my siblings and i are now in our fifties and still doing it regularly.

I built my life abroad from where I grew up, and the greatest gift my mother has given me has been the lack of guilt over making different choices. I am an only child so don't take it lightly that I am her only family. She chose to care for her parents and be nearby. She chose to stay with my father and care for him with dementia at home even when I encouraged her that it was time for a care home.

We had a discussion early on about expectations over her own eventual care needs. She has a decent pension, and the plan is to have a close, independent mutual friend make her medical and financial decisions when the time comes. I have no expectation of any inheritance and have encouraged her to spend her money on her own needs rather than me and my children.

I think part of your sadness may stem from the fact that your experience of being an adult means caring for your parents, and you feel you need some care and support that your children cannot provide from abroad. I would encourage you to develop networks and friendships outside your family with all ages of people, and you may find that the sadness eases a bit.

We all mourn the vision we have for our lives when they change, and that it okay. I envisioned growing up in the town where I was born and being close to family, and that was just as much an adjustment for me as it was for my parents. My father did not want to fly and so never got to see the place I call home.

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the vision, and maybe ask your children how their lives differ from what they imagined and how they are coping with that. You may find a closeness in that way that you weren't expecting.

Least helpful comment ever.

There was a point in our 20s where myself and my 4 siblings all lived abroad as well.

If that helps, eventually 3 of my siblings moved back to our home country once they started their families and wanted to settle somewhere familiar.

We definitely saw our parents and each other less, but it made the visits a bit more special and allowed us to discover new countries and culture together. We built very strong memories during that time, I think you could try to see some positives into the situation.

Other things that helped during that period was having a family WhatsApp to share loads of pictures and stories about our new life, travel etc.
And also to have strong traditions around Christmas and summer holiday. It was a given that we would spend a week or so together at my dad's for Christmas (doesn't have to be Christmas day itself). We couldn't all come every year, but most of us did most years. It became a bit harder once in laws and children got into the picture, but we still all gather every other year or so.
Same in the summer, we would agree on a specific week to visit most of us managed to come together or overlap for a few days.

A lot of this came from my dad's initiative to build those traditions since we were kids to be honest. Hopefully you can inspire something similar to your children.

And yet that isn't what OP did to her parents. Nor is it true for many other people. So you're wrong as well as patronising.

My son lives in Sweden. Since my grandson was born we FaceTime at least twice a week. We aren’t on for ages, but I get to see him, and he knows who I am. I appreciate that I only have the one living in Europe, but that contact helps. I actually have more contact with him than the one who lives less than two hours away!

Well, she spent 30 years living in London, and they are in the north.

How old are your parents and your children ?
Because that is a crucial factor that affects the likelihood of international regular family gatherings.