All of my children have now moved abroad

[Mamsiet4]

I have 4 adult DC, DS1 is 27 and lives in Frankfurt, DD1 is 25 and lives in Geneva, DS2 is 24 and lives in Luxembourg and DD2 is 22 and just announced she is moving to Amsterdam in January. There father who I divorced from 15 years ago was from Switzerland so they all have the right to live and work in the EU with few restrictions and I appreciate that right now there isn’t massive appeal to staying in the UK, however it has really upset me. For various reasons I struggle with travel now, one being 3 years ago I sold my London property and moved back up north after spending over 30 years in London to care for my parents, this just limits the ease of travel to an extent. Caring for my parents also means I can’t just hop on a plane, I need to arrange other care for them first which isn’t always easy as my only sibling has a disabled child she is the sole carer of. I also struggle with fatigue and chronic joint pain now so struggle with travel more than I did before.
Of my 3 children who already live abroad I already struggle to meet up with them. Other than Christmas it is impossible for me to arrange to see them all at once as they are all so busy with their own lives. Sometimes I can catch two of them at once but that takes so much planning. Adding in a 4th isn’t going to make it any easier I know that for sure. I also just can’t arrange enough care for my parents or really afford to go on 4 different trips a year just to see each of them twice and that’s not even a certainty as lately one has always been missing from Christmas, either with their dad or their partners family.
This has made me really sad, my sister is now a grandma and I see how close she is to her grandchildren, realistically I will never have this. I can’t imagine most of them will move home ever, DD1 certainly won’t, I can’t imagine DS1 will, harder to tell for DS2 or DD2 but I’d guess unlikely. I will also never have the option of just moving to be closer to any of them as I don’t have an EU passport.
I also don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it, my parents are frail and elderly now so I would never concern them with my worries, I can’t talk to my sister as anytime I mention my children she just tells me I need to just be grateful I have 4 children who are capable of independence (she has 2 disabled one who needs 24 hour care and another who needs a lot of support to live independently, so I do sympathise that my issue do seem insulting to her). I have some friends but they all have children locally and will be involved grandparents when the time comes.
I do speak to my children often, about once a week and we have a family group chat which is active most days, however some of these conversations I’m finding much harder, such as DD1 sharing the baby name list she made with her partner made me realise that I will likely only see these grandchildren once or twice a year if/when they arrive.

AIBU to be so sad about this? Does anyone have any advice?

One of my sisters lived in Spain for a year, then Zambia for another year and then went to Australia for another year. She’s been back home in Ireland now for years, initially living in Dublin and then moving to a few miles away from our mum after she got married.

Our neighbour was the same, people would say how it was cool her three children were making their way in three different continents and she said she wanted to say ‘but I want them back!’ Two are back in Ireland now

I think it's amazing that they're all living such enriching lives. Although after all this time raising such competent adults, it's like you've been made "redundant". Allow yourself to feel sad, it would be unnatural not to be as they are your children and have been your life.
Focus on your time now what you want to do, and arranging any visits whenever you can, although I can appreciate this can be hard to do without the abundance of time and money.

Awww, mate that's tough. All 4 of them have popped off to other countries, and your nest is bare and cold, and they're not closeby.... I'm so sorry for you. It's tough when they leave home full stop. But if they live closeby it's OK - or within an hour or two drive anyway. Another country is different though.

I think they will (at least 2 of them anyway) very likely move back to the UK eventually. They won't all stay abroad forever I'm sure. In fact all 4 may move back. No way will they all stay overseas. Many people who move abroad do move back to their home country.

Try to fill your life with other things, hobbies, friends, and things to do. Keep yourself busy. This won't last forever. Your empty feeling will subside, and also they will very likely return... eventually.

YANBU OP. Could you maybe ask if they’d commit to a long weekend away jointly either back in the UK or all meeting up once a year in one of their countries? Or they each take turns to host you all or at least you annually? And a few of them may yet move back.

I think in your shoes I’d look at getting carers from the local authority to help you more with your parents so you’re freer. It’s admirable what you’re doing but one day your DPs will be gone, and you may regret how empty your days are and wishing you had had more of a balance before you get too old to travel. You won’t get this time back and it may be good to have more support with your DPs.

They may not ever return, so that really isn’t something OP should be encouraged to count on as if it’s an inevitability.

For one, their father is Swiss, so they may not feel that the UK is even the ‘home’ they would return to if they were ever inclined.

You are entitled to feel sad about this . That is completely normal . I feel your loneliness and hope you feel better in time 🌹

YANBU to feel sad.

YABU to think it is difficult to travel if you don't live in London.

The fact your dh was Swiss and that he now lives in Italy..... would I be a long way off the mark to think you might have moved abroad to live yourself as part of your adult life? It would be difficult to criticise your dc for following in your footsteps.

It is normal and natural for confident young adults to want to travel and experience different things. Maybe when you are having a 'glass half full' day, you could count your blessings

• none of them have moved a long way away, both in terms of travel, but also time zones
• your family Whatsapp chat is active every day, so you clearly all have strong bonds as a family and a natural 'chat' being in and out of each others' live as much as you would be if they lived in Cornwall / Norfolk / Pembrokeshire / Skye
• All of them live in places that are easy to travel to (or they can travel from) if your life circumstances weren't making travel difficult for you at the moment, but the same difficulty with getting a few days away, and traveling 6 or more hours by road would apply if they all lived in the UK
• They are living their dream and presumably all have jobs in these places
• It sounds like you have raised confident, independent, capable dc, which you should be proud of.

My children live abroad too and I'm in a similar position, kindly you are catastrophising and you are making excuses not plans to see them. You can get respite carers in so you can have a break , speak to social services. My flight at the end of the month is £15.

Be really proud that you have children that are independent. It's ok to be sad and miss them terribly and it's natural :)

Make a weekly family zoom call so you feel more connected.
Also different countries have different visa regulations. You may well be able to move there at some point and it's especially easier for retired people in most countries

Be kind to yourself but also make plans to make things happen

I am sorry OP. Firstly what an amazing mum you are. To have independent children like this. I hope to do the same. My parents moved abroad and only returned twice in 50 years to their country of birth. Sadly they only saw their mums once they (their mums) were quite elderly. I honestly think these days with FaceTime calls, texts, emails and better travelling options it wouldn’t be like that. It is expensive to travel of course. Would you do one or two mini trips a year where you circle around all the children in a space of four weeks or so, staying with them hopefully to reduce accommodation costs. Outside of that you will have all that technology to keep in touch.

I didn’t know my grandparents and I think though if it was as easy today tech-wise to keep in contact maybe I would have and it would have been great. When the grandkids are older they can travel and stay with you. It will be a different type of the traditional arrangement of living close to family but still can be close and full of warmth.

Why are you prioritising your parents over your children
Does caring for them fill a void your children left
Are you working full time ,you need to be ,and saving every penny to visit them as much as possible.
So when you get ill ,and old are you going to expect your children to leave their home to come and care for you ,as you are for your parents???
If not ,why not ..
Why is it ok for you to give up your life to care for parents,but no expectations of your children to do the same??
Your parents are not your responsibility
They are grown adults who have had their whole life to sort out how they will care for themselves in old age ..
You wouldn't want your children to put their life on hold for you ...
So are you putting your life on hold for your parents
In your shoes I'd be face timing each child every week and planning and booking and saving towards as many trips abroad to see them as possible,if be staying in cheep hostels to afford it ,and I'd be loving seeing the world at the same time

No I don’t expect my children to care for me, however I want to care for my parents, that’s a choice I make, I wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone else doing it. Even if I worked full time and saved I still wouldn’t be with my children day in and day out that would suffocate them. So I may as well do what I want to do which is care for my parents as that is important to me and work on seeing my adult children around that.
My parents are very old and very unwell, they will not live forever and I’d rather spend what precious time I have left with them actually with them than slaving at a 9-5 to not even necessarily see my children much more often as they all have their own hobbies and commitments and don’t necessarily want their mum coming over once a month when they could be doing things they enjoy instead of hosting.

Just arrange respite care and jump on a cheap flight to go see them. You are catastrophizing and making this a drama that it just isn't.

Yes, but that is your choice. Just as living abroad is theirs. And you’ve also moved away from their own old home city - presumably all their friends in the UK are in London, where you’ve moved from. And I assume you also no longer have an income so again, you’ve chosen not to be able to save up for flights etc.

So I think you need to come to an acceptance that while your parents are alive you have prioritised them (understandably) and that comes at detriment to seeing your children. But that situation won’t last and you’re slightly catastrophising that you won’t have a relationship with any future grandchildren.

I should also say that I completely get your sadness and I too would be pretty devastated if it was me.

But I think it might help you to reframe it so you’re not so powerless or passive in this situation. You have also made choices, and they’re yours to make. And don’t forget that in your 20s is one of the times when you see the least of your parents, if you have any get-go about you at all.

What a load of twaddle! Who made you Mystic Meg?
It may be a comforting thought for OP that her children may return to the UK but it is in no way a given!
Their father lives in Italy, perhaps the DC would rather settle there to raise families etc.

Sorry if my post was a bit nippy ..I was trying to make you think you had more freedom than you realise and that you aren't responsible for your parents
But clearly,you are doing what you want to do ,which is care for them ..you must have a good relationship with your parents .
That's the thing with life ,we have to live with the choices we make ,and you are happy in your choices..
Your children are busy living their lives and happy in their choices .
Maybe when they come to start to think about children themselves,they may feel more of a pull to be near you and may move back

How did your kids feel when you sold your London home? It can feel complex when parents change things - I was 21 when my parents divorced, sold the family home and (not saying they shouldn’t have - their lives - but it was hard for us kids) and ended the era of us having a family base where we could come back to. I still miss it now, at 45!

We live in another European country but still see my dad regularly - he's already visited us twice this year and is coming for Christmas, and we've been to him once too. Our kids love him and although he doesn't get to see them every week like some of his friends and their grandkids, when he does it's usually for a week or more at a time so overall he probably has the same amount of time with them. Granted he doesn't have caring responsibilities, but I'm a decade older than your DC, so you may not either by the time they have kids. Once your parents are no longer around, you might have a lovely life of regular visits ahead of you.

Edited to add - I'm sure you're not doing this, but make sure you're not guilt tripping them. When I was in my twenties I was made to feel quite guilty about my decision to move, and I think it's unfair for parents to make their young adult children responsible for their feelings like that

I think you have moved away from their base and now made it impossible for them to return. They are very unlikely to want to live uo
north with your aging parents. Whilst I can see why you want to do what you want, there is a cost to that. You have removed your children’s family home. They have nowhere to return to now.

You have set up a brand new life in the north with your sister. Their father has gone to Italy. I feel sorry for them tbh. London is very expensive, it’s not like they can easily return but they would need a job and to be close to old friends if they did.

I lived overseas for six years, and returned to have children. Yours might eventually do the same.

I feel like you have cut off their opportunity to live close to you by moving op. They are all in Europe, you could even go for one night if yoh wanted to see them, You are choosing not to. I have the same condition as you and I travel everywhere with painkillers.

You could take the Eurostar, hire a place in Paris and meet all four children there for a day or two.

I wouldn’t passively be giving up, I think that might be causing some sadness op. Have you asked them how they feel without a family home? With you being in the north now miles from anywhere?

Not unreasonable to feel sad. They're only in Europe though! A couple of hours on a plane and you could spend the weekend with one of them. It could be a longer journey to see them, if they lived in the far north/south of the UK.

I would put less importance on seeing them all together because that it logistically hard with adult children and jobs and commitments, even when you live in the same country.

You've obviously done an excellent job of raising confident, ambitious adults.

I think you have been a good mother, giving your children the security within themselves to move abroad. And you are a good daughter for wanting to care for your parents as long as you can.

For the time being it's going to be tough but you can see the children individually; it doesn't have to be a massive meet-up. Ignore the non-carers saying arrange respite care . I know how almost impossible that is and how bloody expensive.

Look after yourself - I care for DH and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done.

I’m going to comment on this from your children’s perspective.

I am one of two siblings, my DB has been living abroad for a very long time with a family now and zero chance to moving home.

I live in the same country but two hours away and that will always be the case due to work commitments. The pressure I feel to remain in the country and to be present for regular weekends and at significant times of year is a lot, OP. I love my parents dearly, but I don’t feel it should be the case that it’s my responsibility to make up for the other sibling not physically being there.

My PIL on the other hand while I could list plenty of faults are completely supportive of their DC spreading their wings far and wide if that’s what their dream is. The difference between the two sets of parents from what I can see is a social life and a varied day to day routine where they have their own things to do and people to see, where my parents do not and live in a much quieter place.

I have my own DC now and while I can appreciate I can’t imagine a time where they don’t need me 24/7, I know it will come (and quick). But off the back of my experience, I will try very hard to embrace their life choices whatever they may be. Life is for living and experiencing it to the fullest. I don’t expect my DC to stay around waiting on me - I want them to go and experience the world guilt-free. If they come back, they come back. If they don’t, we will have to find a way to make it work.

i appreciate your life now is not easy with elderly parents who need your help. At some stage, you will be able to water your own garden and invest time into yourself to do what you want to do.

OP, your sister is right that you did well to raise such independent kids but right now that doesn’t make it any easier for you to bear.

Don’t let this blight you, keep on building friendships, get close to your grand nieces and nephews, and find out about respite care for you.

Can your parents afford to pay for a carer to give you a break?

The government really does well out of women, get them to care for and raise their kids, and once that’s done, get them to care for their parents.