My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

Agreed.

These predators gain the trust of children and then attack when they have the opportunity.

It's really not the same as the slur on gay men. This is an offender who has shown predilection for sexual assault. As I've said in previous posts, there are some predators who merely attack when they find someone vulnerable.

As part of my job, I encountered two predators - some years apart. They were imprisoned for multiple offences against both adults and children. The common factor was opportunity.

Another way to look at is if he applied to work with children or indeed in a job where he was in contact with vulnerable adults he would of course have to have an enhanced DBS check and with this offence on his record there is no way in hell he would get such a job.So there is no way in hell he should be near your children He will also be on the sex offenders' register for life given that he has had a custodial sentence.

I wouldn’t allow my DC around anyone I knew was capable of sexually assaulting anyone.

No, please keep your children safe.

@Lordvampire3 OP, when I was a teenager my relative actually brought his offender friend into our home. I was 13 when he 'interfered with' other children 'when he was drunk'.

I liked the guy. He was short for a man and baby-faced. He was only 18 when he first offended - possibly the reason that my relative thought that it was only a mistake.

He died in prison 3 years ago at the age of 67, having committed many other crimes in the intervening years.

I remember when I was a kid, he'd make a beeline for me and be friendly...I thought that he was about my age. Fortunately, I was never on my own with him. I wonder whether my cousins were as fortunate. His neighbour's children and girlfriend's children certainly were not.

One of them became pregnant at the age of 16.

ETA I'm just trying to reiterate - predators are sly and will look for opportunities.

If it was sexual assault rather than consent from a seventeen year old then I would not allow contact. It would not matter to me how old the victim was in a way re contact with children as sexual assault is awful at any age tbh.

Maybe OP doesn't want to do this.
Sending you strength OP. My heart goes out to you OP with the roller coaster of emotions you are dealing with.
Small steps re decisions for the future

The Op may not want to do this
but given the OP was unsure whether she was being unreasonable about a parental choice she and her partner had made regarding her imprisoned father due to a sexual crime…. I would hope it may strengthen her resolve

I did not know as I was only young and my parents lied to my older siblings.

I have no contact with my parents now, some of the reason was the response I received once I did tell them.

Was he later convicted of rape?@4dogsandawoman

I am so sorry for what you endured x

I’m so so sorry you were so let down.

Not of myself or my siblings. As far as I am aware none of us ever went to the police. I only told my parents years after I had my daughter. I had spoken to one of my siblings and that is when I found out I was not his only victim. He did wait until all of us were over 16.
The person he was sent to prison for raping was 17.

I don't disagree with anything you have said. I think I'm trying to make a point that doesn't come over in social media soundbites and will stop now.

You are doing the right thing and safeguarding your children.

If you allow supervised visits you have to either downplay his crime (which could lead your children to see him as a safe person and could put themselves in vulnerable situations with him when they are older).

Or you tell them the truth and risk them thinking that you are excusing his actions, or that his feelings are more important than their safety.

I’m not worried about your kids OP as I think you’ll 100% do the right thing and keep him away, take not one risk and allow contact. However it’s your brothers kids I’m scared for what are their ages?

Your father has shown that he has a complete disregard for personal boundaries, and he has no respect for women. He has shown that he thinks he has a right to other people's bodies. Whether his victim was 17 or younger or older is by the by. I personally wouldn't let him anywhere me or my family.

I am

To even consider for a nano second that she may be being unreasonable is concerning

What a difficult position for you to be in. I think the question I would be asking myself is how would my children feel, when grown, of a decision to either ban or allow a convicted sex offender to have contact with them? I'm not sure I would be able to understand or forgive if my parents had knowingly allowed me, as a child, to have contact with someone potentially dangerous (even if they turned out to be no danger to me personally). It's only yours and your kids' future opinion that matters here - not your father's, not your brother's and certainly not anyone else (including on here). Good luck, and I feel for you.

100% this. Sequel assault against a minor, he'd be nowhere near my kids or grandchildren

Do not let him anywhere near you or your children. Any man who assaults a young girl/woman is not worthy of anything. Forget your stupid brother. Have nothing to do with him.

Your father made the choice to sexually assault. This makes him a danger to children.

You have the parental responsibility to protect your children from predators.

Not being able to see his grandchildren is HIS fault and not yours.

And your brother can fuck off n’all for trying to coerce you to drop your guard in favour of a sex offender.

I can't believe you're even considering this to be honest.

Although I would imagine you are right i would still what to know the truth before making a decision. Like was it rape or sexual assault as op has said how long was he in jail for what where the circumstances. If it was actual rape unforgivable if it was sexual assualt Id want to know more.

He would not be anywhere near my children!!!