To be upset that friends all love ‘new girl’ when I don’t

[purplerain100]

There’s a small group of us who hang out… all bought together by circumstance, random group but we’ve all clicked & have hung out for coffees/ drinks for about 4 years. We’re not close close friends but as far as ‘new’ friendships go, there’s warmth & support & laughs. I should point out we’re all 40-50 yrs old. About 6 months ago a new girl drifted into the ‘gang’- welcomed by all as others have been over the years. She’s a very big personality. Let’s call her sue. Sue seems to have built bonds with everyone but doesn’t give me the time of day beyond niceties. I’ve realised she has never once asked me a question about myself, in fact it’s like she ignores me.. She talks about herself all the time & every gathering is dominated by sue- it’s like the ‘sue show’ every time we meet. The thing is everyone else laps it up & thinks she’s great. Now I’m thinking maybe these aren’t my people after all. I know this makes me sound jealous & maybe I am. It just makes me sad that a group I thought were my friends all seem to just hinge around sue & I don’t enjoy spending time with them anymore.

I’m truly astonished this post has had so many responses from people who have experienced this…. I’d also be interested if anyone out there thinks they might be a bit ‘sue’ themselves.. are you aware of taking up so much airtime? Are you just not that interested in certain people?!

I’ve experienced something somewhat similar albeit it was a work colleague rather than a friend. She was what can only be described as a simpering, purposely pathetic, low self esteem woman in her mid-30s that had quite literally the whole office fawning over her. We no longer work together (both left the company) but I am to this day utterly, utterly baffled by what her appeal was. To the point where I think I might be the crazy one. I can only guess that her patheticness brought out the white knight/saviour in the men and perhaps made the women feel better about themselves. Which is no basis for a friendship, IMO.

Yes agree with other comments about not letting her push you out. It almost comes across as sly bullying (like you imagine would happen at school). She probably is hoping that ignoring you will isolate you within the group, and then eventually force you out. It’s really odd for a grown woman to behave this way.

Who introduced her into the group? Please don’t ruin your friendship group, I would speak to other friends one to one and I bet you a lot of them will have noticed too. Louder personalities somehow get away with this type of behaviour, and nobody says anything because they usually think everybody else likes the bully.

I would have never believed that adults could behave this way until it happened to me.

Our "Sue" was very chatty and warm seeming, but it did not take long to see that every conversation was turned around to her, she was in permanent victim mode which was used as an excuse for any bad behaviour, and that all in all, she was a pretty unpleasant person.

Almost immediately she started trying to freeze me out of the group, talking over me, turning her back on me, setting things up and "forgetting" to invite me. I thought at first it was oversight and tried to talk to her about it. That really escalated the behaviour. It really seemed I was the only person who saw it, and upsettingly, there was another person in the group I had a lot in common with, and was quite close to, who seemed to be taken with her. When the tensions started to seem apparent, this person told me she thought it was just a personality clash and I was as responsible as "Sue". Except it was not true - I am not perfect, but it was so obvious I was being bullied by exclusion and lots of passive aggressive digs. What I am is the truth teller who grew up in a narcissistic family situation and people like this can spot that a mile off, and will react negatively to it because it threatens to show what is going on.

Anyway, I had a very traumatic situation, and the group rallied round. Except for Sue. I took a step back from the group for a while because I could not deal with her while I was so vulnerable. Then a few of the other members contacted me and we met up. Turned out that they were disgusted with how she had been behaving, had been seeing it but not realizing how bad it was. She had been bad mouthing me with comments like "who does she (me) think she is", "(mutual friend) is MY friend, not hers" and "everybody has difficult things, you just have to get on with them" (her difficulties were things from 40 years earlier, mine was more in the nature of just being given a cancer diagnosis. I am not saying that her experiences were not traumatic, but it's not top trumps and at some point, other people have bad stuff happening and for normal adults, that needs to be a focus for a while).

Anyway, the group members started to distance themselves, leaving "Sue" to announce she was thinking of leaving. No one tried to persuade her to stay, which lead to a massive flounce. The only person hanging on to the 'personality clash' idea was the person I was developing a closer friendship with.

Happened to see "Sue" in the distance while meeting another friend who turned out to know her from another time and place. She asked how I knew her and whether we were close, so I said we didnt really get on and left it at that. My friend then told me "Sue" was very pretty at school but a queen bee and mean. Far from being bullied, she was the bully. She also moans that her local children dont see her often, but they are fed up with her. She also lost several jobs because of her behaviour.

Just keep on being you, dont confront her, dont lie to others if they ask you about it, but keep as neutral as you can. Grey rock her as much as you can, and concentrate on the other group members. They will either see through her in the end, or they are not worth your time and effort.

Being devil’s advocate — you appear to be the only one who thinks she’s taking up ‘too much airtime’, though? The others appear fine with the way she is in the group.

I too know a Sue, slightly different circs but same personality characteristics.
She's not unkind or exclusionary but does my head in with being the endless domineering loud centre of attention.
I physically sit as far away as possible and talk to those around me while she holds court. And move when she sees there is a group who are not engaged with her show and comes over. Repeat as necessary.

Exactly why it’s upset me- I thought the rest of the group would see through her/ find it frustrating, but they lap it up!

I can be a bit Sue in that I'm quite loud and can end up dominating if I don't rein myself in. The difference is I have long established friendship groups and don't seek to insert myself in new ones, so my friends know what I'm like and presumably like me. I still have to remind myself to shut up though.

Being chatty and entertaining does have its advantages, I'm often pushed forward in work settings to deal with awkward or difficult clients, but I wouldn't blame anyone if they found me a bit annoying. I would blame them if they hung out with me and didn't want to bother though, not everyone is for everyone, and it's fine to move off and away from groups or people who aren't for you.

In this instance, it would probably diminish my view of the group if they couldn't see you were being a bit ignored or sidelined, I would hate to think I was excluding anyone and I do ask questions of people if they've been a bit quiet and try to give airtime to everyone if we are on a night out.

That's a refreshingly honest post. To me, people's little quirks and foibles don't tend to irritate me too much. These are things that can easily be overlooked, whether someone happens to be gregarious or more reserved.

You sound good company and self-aware.

I think I must be quite unusual because this kind of behavior just makes me smile to myself and roll my eyes. Perhaps come across it too many times, also have a parent who was a grade A Narc and always performing at family/social gatherings. I would simply fade away from the group. You’ll soon know how important to them you were if anyone tries to keep in contact with you after the fade. Also likely her excluding you is probably based in some kind of jealousy and/or feeling threatened by you in some way.

We have a Sue in one of the groups I hang out with. We used to be a bigger group but people drifted away, just life, no fallings out. This meant it was a bit more balanced, enough people to give her attention without it having to be everyone. Our Sue moved away which is good so almost never see her. I really didn’t like her, she has no self awareness of how domineering she can be.

I can be a Sue but recognise this and do self regulate to make sure I don’t take over. I also make a point of talking to people one to one when in a larger group, especially those who are quieter. it’s nice to catch up with them and hear their news.

I can be a Sue but recognise this and do self regulate to make sure I don’t take over. I also make a point of talking to people one to one when in a larger group, especially those who are quieter. it’s nice to catch up with them and hear their news.

So I think a lot of people have a bit of Sue in them - but the difference is the flexibility, the anger if you are not the centre of attention, and the attack of anyone who is drawing attention in any way.

In these situations a lot of women won't go against the status quo, they choose the easy life, not what is right.

no good deed goes unpunished....

I think her gut instincts are correct. There are, in fact, evil and narcissistic people out there. And I think we instinctively know when their evil is directed at us. It's rubbing in salt/invalidating when we try to figure it out by discussing it and people say "oh, it's just your imagination. She could be perfectly nice."

So everyone else is wrong… Sue is an evil bevil with Pinky and the Brain plans to take over the world?

But what is there to ‘see through’? She’s too talkative for your taste and comparatively uninterested in you, possibly because it’s clear to her you don’t like her, or for some entirely different reason that may just suggest two different personality types. That seems to be her primary fault. But the others appear fine with her talkativeness, and are probably not attuned specifically to whether she shows an interest in you, because why would they?

I get that it’s frustrating that someone you don’t like has joined your group, but no one else is doing anything wrong as such…?

What an excellent example of a straw man response.