To be upset that friends all love ‘new girl’ when I don’t

[purplerain100]

There’s a small group of us who hang out… all bought together by circumstance, random group but we’ve all clicked & have hung out for coffees/ drinks for about 4 years. We’re not close close friends but as far as ‘new’ friendships go, there’s warmth & support & laughs. I should point out we’re all 40-50 yrs old. About 6 months ago a new girl drifted into the ‘gang’- welcomed by all as others have been over the years. She’s a very big personality. Let’s call her sue. Sue seems to have built bonds with everyone but doesn’t give me the time of day beyond niceties. I’ve realised she has never once asked me a question about myself, in fact it’s like she ignores me.. She talks about herself all the time & every gathering is dominated by sue- it’s like the ‘sue show’ every time we meet. The thing is everyone else laps it up & thinks she’s great. Now I’m thinking maybe these aren’t my people after all. I know this makes me sound jealous & maybe I am. It just makes me sad that a group I thought were my friends all seem to just hinge around sue & I don’t enjoy spending time with them anymore.

I too have seen this scenario played out and agree completely. Do not leave the group OP. Stand your ground, minimise interaction with her and don’t feed her need for attention. As soon as she’s finished speaking (or even paused for breath) start a conversation of you own. Whatever you do don’t be sidelined by this woman.

You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you.

Either you decide that you like the rest of the group enough to rub along with her when necessary because the rest of the people like her, or decide that your dislike of her now makes the group unenjoyable, and focus on other friendships?

What an absolutely shitty way to treat someone who has gone out of their way to help you. I’m sorry you experienced this.
I’m now in my 60’s and as one of lives fixers have helped several people including family…but as the saying goes “No good deed goes unpunished”.
I used to think this saying was very cynical, but in most cases it’s true.

Sue has spotted that you don't hang adoringly on her every word and is planning to freeze you out. I might be tempted to hang in there for a while, if you have nothing to lose (ie given you think you may need to move on anyway if the fan club doesn't stop). I'd probably say things like: 'Hang on, Sue - I wanted to hear what Jane was saying.' Or 'Let Anna get a word in edgeways, mate!' Launch in with, 'So Helen, how did the job interview/holiday/health check go?' before she has a chance to hold court and subtly send the message to the group that this domination is tiring.

My guess is that others are a bit tired of it too but too polite to say anything.

I would continue to meet the group but don’t engage as much. Don’t act like everything is normal, the group dynamics have changed and you won’t be the only one to notice.
Sue will run out of steam and normal service will hopefully resume.

I’m sorry this happened! I agree that she probably just senses you see through her, or she’s threatened by you in some way and jealousy drives her to exclude others. Or as someone says, she uses people and is looking for people who give her something that you can’t give (probably attention and adoration in this case!).

My recommendation is to absolutely not attempt to get her to like you - even if you eventually get on her good side, she isn’t a good or genuinely kind person, and an unkind friend is long term a liability because they are likely to hurt you in some way. Much better to believe what you see at face value and not let yourself be vulnerable to her.

Additionally, the fact that this lot have so little insight into her would give me pause too.

If possible I would invest my energies and small time I have on this earth in people who make me feel good and also women I think are wise and good judges of character, and friends who are observant enough to notice if a newcomer is freezing me out.

It sounds like the others in this group are none of the above, so do they really deserve your precious time? Could it be better spent nurturing other friendships, with family, on your body, career or even your garden?!

This! You hit the nail on the head!

Did you not have a what's app group with the original group of girls , before she came along

You could set a what's app group up just the original ones in ,and try to organise some coffees without her ,..just be honest and say sometimes it's nice when it's just us original ones
Sue doesn't have to come to every coffee date
You could just ask one of the girls at a time to meet up for coffee ,you don't have to always meet as a group

@purplerain100 could you ask one of your friends if there are WhatsApp groups that you're not a member of? If there are, they are colluding with her so def best to exit stage right and be grateful cos what's worse than losing friends like that is being friends with people like that for 1 more day.

Try fb for local women's groups.

I made friends with about 20 people through a coffee club. We all put up events we want to do and see if anyone wants to go too. This year we've been to Slovakia, Austria, Denmark and Porthmadog, have a walking club, book club, are setting up a crafters club and generally have a packed diary - meals, festivals, theatre, gigs, discos etc. We call each other to talk through issues etc and pop round to see each other for a tea/coffee. We decided we would not accept anymore into the core group of 14 so we could establish real friendships.

You don't deserve what's happened, leave other people's bad behaviour with them. Karma is real and will bite them...

You said you helped Sue with a problem, maybe she regrets sharing a vulnerability with you.

I'm inclined to agree with this.
Perhaps think of yourself as an actress studying a character. The character is: "Sue, the new girl."
Analyse every little nuance. See through her eyes. Make her your project.
You may discover she is not at all who she appears to be. We all have an achilles heel after all..... She might even feel a little socially anxious around you for some reason.
I'm intrigued by her, and I've never even met her!!
Reminds me a bit of a freelance tutor we had at drama school. A jobbing actress in her 50's who seemed to feel totally incensed by the fact that I'd decided to train to be an actor in my 40's.
She'd sit there banging on about herself and her glittering career/growing up in the 80's etc.... to my peers (all in their late teens to early 20's).
I grew up in the 80's. Lots I could relate to, but whenever I tried to contribute to the discussion she would either ignore me completely, or shut me down. She didn't want anyone stealing her thunder (not that I was trying to).

One incredibly insecure lady.

My friends girlfriend is like this. Totally dominates every meet up when it was a pretty even split of airtime before. I was so excited to meet her, but it quickly became clear she was a pain in the arse, which was a shame.

You’ll probably find as time goes on that others think similarly - big personalities tend to split a crowd. Maybe arrange some smaller gatherings here and there and then just deal with the occasional cameo from Sue. That’s what we do.

Is there a possibility you and Sue are similar, OP? Sometimes two of the same personality types can be hard in a group. Not quite the same thing but my boss said she was not moving someone to my team as she feels we would clash which I am grateful for. I couldn’t manage my twin.

I was getting a bit cheesed off with one of my group dynamics. I had a break then went back with rock bottom expectations. I did enjoy our last meet up with no expectations honestly. We are going out for a Christmas do and I'm going to be really observant of the dynamics ( got paranoid one friend bows out as soon as I say I can make a meet up, and another friend just acts a bit weird when in the group). I think it's partly easy to overthink things but also your feelings can often be the truth.

I set up a school pta once and a very vocal mum who I was very close to started to take over, then exclude me, then started to be rude. I just left and never looked back. I just think she had to be the alpha and as I set it up I was in her way so she had to get rid of me. Who wants spend precious free time with that noise?

Observe I think. Start a few interesting conversations and if she shuts down everyone. be the first to enthusiastically reply to her topics. See what she does. Get a friend to see if they notice.

I think because you helped her, you saw her vulnerabilities and its made her panic a bit and prefer to exclude you from her chat. Whereas maybe you naturally assumed you were doing a decent thing/potentially get closer. Could you maybe arrange stuff with a few of the others, like a sub group?

I think you do unfortunately. Group dynamics always change snd move on. People come and go! It’s a shame but feck it op! Let them swan up Sue’s backside if that’s what they want.

Quietly keep your counsel. Move on and focus on developing other friendships. Invite one or two people from the group to hang out with you one on one as previously suggested,

You usually find that behind the scenes people start to get a bit fed up of a queen bee and then they will seek you out.

Working with people like this now who love the sound of their own voices, self absorbed, loud, over bearing and do as little work as possible. One of them has been slagging me off & threw me under the bus after training them up. 😟 Thought we could be friends but not now.

I’d definitely ask whether any other WhatsApp groups have been created without you.

The problem that you helped her with at the beginning, is it something that she may now be embarrassed about sharing?

YANBU as you're entitled to your feelings, but has it always been that way in this friend group? Could it be that you see them as friends way more than they see you as a friend? Have you been excluded before, or something like that? I feel as if things like that don't just come out of the blue.

Are you an introvert?
I describe myself as a sociable introvert, but I struggle with big extrovert personalities for the reasons you say. I feel quite over powered by them. She can’t change her personality- that’s how she is - and she might find you standoffish if you’re not saying much in the group, because she operates very differently. I’m not defending, but I think it’s two different Modus operandi at play.

I was in a group once with a big extrovert personality like this and the group dynamic eventually broke down.

It's annoying and disappointing when this happens. I agree with others who say that she probably doesn't like you because you helped her and she wants to push away any memory of vulnerability. However, i suspect she also sees you as a pushover, hence why she shuts you down whenever you speak. You need to work on yourself to not allow that to happen. Use it as an opportunity to practice bringing the conversation back to yourself. If she interrupts you don't stop talking just carry on talking over her. It may feel awkward but it will make it clear to the group that it is she who is interrupting you and being rude. If she changes the subject politely listen and then bring the conversation back to what you were saying. Again this may be awkward but it will make it clear to the group that you weren't done talking yet. You need to be more assertive and not allow her to dominate you. She doesn't get to decide how much air time you have in the group - you do! You don't need her permission to speak. At the moment you are allowing her to dominate you without protest so the group won't see what is happening. If you use this as an opportunity to learn assertiveness skills it may halp you stay in the group. Also i suspect that other people in the group may not love her as much as you think they do. Try to meet one to one with a few from the group and just make the odd comment about Sue to see if they pick up on it eg 'oh yes she loves to talk doesn't she'. If the other person says 'oh yes she's so funny and interesting isn't she' you can leave it at that. But if they say 'oh i know we do 't seem to have such good conversations any more' you have a way in. Good luck!

@purplerain100
You can't change Sue but you can change how you react to her.
Personally I wouldn't give up a friendship group because of one person, you enjoy your other friendships so don't let her ruin it.
The others don't see it. . . yet?
Before you cut yourself off can you try something else?
Mirror her behaviour, she doesn't like you, act the same way.
Say to yourself "I see you" with a inner smile, you know who she is and what she's doing but your not letting her get the better of you.
She would probably not be bothered if you left, don't give her that power, take the power back, stay and continue your other friendships.
Don't let her live rent free in your head, if she annoys you, push it away "Sue doesn't have any power over me"
Its awful and I feel for you, some people never get past the mean girl stage, it's actually pathetic.
In fact add "pathetic" with a huge eye roll to your coping strategy ❤️

The others find her entertaining and fun, she is bringing some sparkle to the group, you however do not trust her and she senses it.

Rarely, a group might itself with a big character and an agenda to match. The agenda might include freezing out or causing drama. This might feed a need for theatrics or it might be they are genuinely have unhelpful motives. Either way it usually signals the end of the group, as it causes too much friction.

In your place I would evaluate whether any one in that group has potential to be a proper friend(s) and invest some time into them. Continue to enjoy the group for as long as it serves you. Although it might be hard, it’s worth evaluating why she pushes your buttons, and why you are not able to join her if ger intentions are good - which is just to have a fun and enjoyable time? Taking her as she is? Maybe it’s not the nurturing group it once was?