To be upset that friends all love ‘new girl’ when I don’t

[purplerain100]

There’s a small group of us who hang out… all bought together by circumstance, random group but we’ve all clicked & have hung out for coffees/ drinks for about 4 years. We’re not close close friends but as far as ‘new’ friendships go, there’s warmth & support & laughs. I should point out we’re all 40-50 yrs old. About 6 months ago a new girl drifted into the ‘gang’- welcomed by all as others have been over the years. She’s a very big personality. Let’s call her sue. Sue seems to have built bonds with everyone but doesn’t give me the time of day beyond niceties. I’ve realised she has never once asked me a question about myself, in fact it’s like she ignores me.. She talks about herself all the time & every gathering is dominated by sue- it’s like the ‘sue show’ every time we meet. The thing is everyone else laps it up & thinks she’s great. Now I’m thinking maybe these aren’t my people after all. I know this makes me sound jealous & maybe I am. It just makes me sad that a group I thought were my friends all seem to just hinge around sue & I don’t enjoy spending time with them anymore.

But not everyone is going to like you and that's fine! What other people think about you is none of your business. You can't control how they feel, so there is no point worrying about it.

I knew someone like this in my 20s. Gutted to hear it can still happen in your 50s! Sorry OP - really tricky situation to navigate. If they're not close friends and the dynamic is now making you unhappy, perhaps it is time to bow out. You never know, they might make an effort to bring you back in... But if not, it doesn't seem like you'd be losing much anymore.

Oh God! This and your other post about having a few drinks and a laugh with her, but reverting back to ignoring you days later, sounds like me in 2002! Honestly, cut your loses, otherwise you’ll drive yourself mad!

OK, rather than leave the group, maybe just decide to massively chill and observe. Really observe, like a stealth investigator. Love your friends. Make sure you have fun and appreciate them. Mull on the parts of her that irritate you as a mirror - is there any part of you not currently being expressed that she seems to be flinging out there.

Your irritation is a message for decoding, use it for your own growth and self awareness rather than bothering about others behaviour.

If there’s someone in this group you are closer to, can you meet up just with her?
I’d try and keep some friendships going if you can and want to.
these domineering personality types can really change larger friendship groups. They take over , it’s all about them. I find it draining and I’ve left groups before because of it.

You say you helped her with a problem when you first met? Maybe she showed you some vulnerabilities she now regrets and her way of dealing with your "knowledge" is to marginalise you in the group?

I had similar with a mum when our kids started reception and all the mums were starting to get to know each other. I helped her with an issue she was having, help of a professional and personal nature, which included my friend in another country helping her as well at my request. She was the alpha/social secretary of the group, and went out of her way after her problem was resolved to ensure I wasn't invited to anything. I think I knew too much about the mess behind the glossy facade.

OP this happened me in a work situation. A colleague from another office used to have to call regularly to us and they’d all be having great fun and this person treated me like I was invisible. It was actually really confusing and hurtful. Anyway I happened to mention it to a colleague I really liked and asked her to observe the next time and nice colleague was actually shocked and totally agreed with me and it changed her opinion of the person after that so we turned it into a bit of a laugh between ourselves. I moved on from that company so didn’t have to deal with it longterm. It was just so weird at the time when it happened

I couldn't be doing with this

I'd stop any socialising with Sue in the picture

This is what I thought too. I suspect she blanks you because you're not taken in by her.

Sometimes those 'big' personalities really change the group dynmaic and seek to dominate. It's frustrating when no-one else has an issue with it, but there's not really anything you can do about it except accept the altered vibe the group or step back and meet for 1:1s if you wish to continue your friendships.

I was just going to say back off the group, don't be so available and be 'busy' when they make plans, you don't need dome one making you feel so uncomfortable

Treating somebody dismissively in a small friendship group isn’t on though and it’s natural OP would feel uncomfortable and wonder why. That’s not a deficiency in the OP.

Over the top "love you Sue" and then interrupt her and say - mine first!

Friend dymanics have changed and she's sussed you as the lead friend?

Different perspective (only read first few posts so might not be that different!) as we’ve had this ‘sort’ in our group. Rather than that you’ve offended her, if you spent time upfront and supported her, you’ll be seen as ‘in the bag’ with no further effort needed. A few of us wised up to our Sue when we realised the level of manipulation going on (though it took about three years for anyone to out it). We realised that there was a ‘safe’ list and a ‘danger’ list. If you were on the safe list, the interest and love bombing stopped. If you were on the danger list, it continued or intensified. In my case, it was a couple and once a few of us outed it privately, we managed to all get on by gently breaking their power hold over the group.

Don’t lose friends over it, arrange individual coffees or smaller meet ups?

These are your 'nice to have' friends, not do or die friends, and were fun and supportive. Now they are not as fun and not that interested in you and in thrall to Sue. I have experience of a queen bee like this and I became aware that this person was just a bit judgy about others, including me, I caught an eye roll or two when I was speaking, for example. I left the group and didn't look back and it did affect how I felt about them even though they were individually very nice as they were all captured by this one particular person who just wasn't very nice herself. I started to feel a bit stressed about going out whereas before it felt fun

I think if it suits you to go, go, and if it doesn't, then don't and try to keep any individual friendships on the side. Friendship groups can change and not always in good ways.

She sounds a total pain in the neck. Difficult to know what to do. No point in falling out with the whole group because of her. Id try and develop new friendships but dont drop out of this group completely. Just take a step back.

Thanks everybody your comments are really helpful & reassuring (if sad) to know others have had similar scenarios. Nowt so odd as folk it would appear!

Maybe the others aren't as keen as they seem. She sounds very full on. I wouldn't bother trying to force a friendship with her, but it would be a shame to lose these friendships. Can you stick it out a bit longer?

She sounds exhausting and also... very boring. I find it tiresome when people are like this and avoid them, life is too short to put up with muppets. The only thing interesting is knowing what the others really think of her!
Sorry OP. I guess it will come to a stage that you naturally pull out of any invites as a group as find that it becomes less appealing as time goes on. Sometimes friendships change, sometimes they run their course.

Sue doesn't think you are manipulatable and therefore have nothing to offer her. Therefore Sue feels you are a threat and can see through her insecurities, bullshit and loudmouthing.
Therefore, Sue steers a wide birth as she can't see a purpose for you, only a threat to her facade.
Sue is probably very insecure and has personality issues. Is likely to fuck one of the group over royally at some point before she has to move onto a new group. At this point, you will say to everyone, I knew it all along.
This could take years and by this time you will have stopped going to things with Sue there.
I have seen this play out several times.

I don't think you need to 'take yourself out of the group', that seems a little over the top. They are all entitled to like her if the wish, it doesn't mean that they don't like you now just because she's there. All friendship groups have some people who are naturally closer to others in the group. As long as you are still enjoying the company of the rest of them, surely that's ok?

She sounds like a bit of a bully singling you out. It happens.
This type of person needs to be dealt with in the group, the next time she brushes you off, ask her why is she being dismissive or rude. You might be surprised, the others probably find her brash on occasion.
Don't let her push you away from the group. Use your words. ❤️

That's because you're her competition, or you're not worthy.

Either you're a threat to her being the star of the show, or she's only interested in people she can get something out of, and you don't have a currency she wants.

She will instinctively know you see through her behaviours. She will probably be looking for a little gang of followers and knows that you have sussed her out.
Fortunately this type are in the minority, most well adjusted adults don’t require this level of attention and affirmation.
I wouldn’t give up your group. Continue as you are and hopefully at least some of your friendship group will become tired of her.
I really dislike larger than life characters! they’re a PITA.

I wonder this too.

I’d also wonder if there are others in the group thinking the same as you?

Im guessing you aren’t making your dislike obvious and the fact you are making an effort with her might look like you really like her.

i had a work colleague who everyone seemed to love, but I secretly didn’t warm to- I just didn’t get it. Turned out lots of other felt the same