To be upset that friends all love ‘new girl’ when I don’t

[purplerain100]

There’s a small group of us who hang out… all bought together by circumstance, random group but we’ve all clicked & have hung out for coffees/ drinks for about 4 years. We’re not close close friends but as far as ‘new’ friendships go, there’s warmth & support & laughs. I should point out we’re all 40-50 yrs old. About 6 months ago a new girl drifted into the ‘gang’- welcomed by all as others have been over the years. She’s a very big personality. Let’s call her sue. Sue seems to have built bonds with everyone but doesn’t give me the time of day beyond niceties. I’ve realised she has never once asked me a question about myself, in fact it’s like she ignores me.. She talks about herself all the time & every gathering is dominated by sue- it’s like the ‘sue show’ every time we meet. The thing is everyone else laps it up & thinks she’s great. Now I’m thinking maybe these aren’t my people after all. I know this makes me sound jealous & maybe I am. It just makes me sad that a group I thought were my friends all seem to just hinge around sue & I don’t enjoy spending time with them anymore.

I had something similar OP when I went on maternity leave many moons ago and someone who covered my leave was a huge personality so over the top.
that wasn’t my issue with her at all as I come from a family of extroverts but when I came back we had a changeover period and she acted like I had taken her job!
I could see right through all her ott and love bombing behaviour but the others were totally taken in by her - I just couldn’t believe they couldn’t see it. She knew I had her cards marked and al but ignored me.
I almost handed my notice in as I felt so unwelcome when I came back to work but thankfully didn’t as she ended temping in another department and then got the push.
20 odd years later and it still rankles me when I think about her.

Most sensible post on the thread.

I'm in my fifties, too, and with the greatest of respect that's way too old for this kind of playground nonsense. You can't control other people. Preserve your emotional boundaries by seeing the group in more manageable situations (film or theatre maybe rather than the pub where someone can more easily hold court). See the others on a more individual basis, and otherwise just be busy. Don't even mention Sue to other members of the group, and don't be drawn into gossip however much you might be tempted. This hurts the gossiper just as much as the target, and is toxic.

As it happens I do know a 'Sue'. I think we are both aware of our limits with each other as we are different personalities with little in common barring one mutual friend. Those friendships are both close and we maintain them entirely separately; the only coalesence over the years being Covid lockdown (Zoom calls with a group of 4). This quickly drifted away once life had gone back to normal. I'm not quite sure who stepped back - it seemed to happen organically as dictated by difficult times in various people's lives.

I find 'Sue' quite amusing company but only in very small doses, and I know she also finds me tolerable when there are other people present. It's clear we are not each other's 'people' and maintain quite distanced boundaries, and that's entirely fine. On the other hand I honestly don't think there is any animosity from either side.

This can be made into something or nothing, as you choose.

She sounds like quite a domineering character who takes up a lot of space. I can see how this would fundamentally change the group dynamic therefore changing a lot about what you once enjoyed about the group. If it was me, I'd probably try and make and effort with sue, to see if I could build a relationship or understand her better. If all else failed and she carried on dominating the group and I continued not to enjoy the meet ups anymore if probably just participate less or ride it out and hope that some of the other would reveal they felt the same as me.

Have seen the same sort of thing in a couple of groups over the years. I thought I was the only one who could see through "Wendy's" performance and thought everyone enjoyed her company while she sat there holding court dominating the conversation and it was the same conversation at all our meet ups.

All that changed when one of the other friends in the group sussed me and others out separately about our opinions on Wendy. Turns out nearly all of us were bored out of our skulls listening to Wendy.

We decided to actively ask each other questions and not let Wendy dominate the conversation and if she interrupted we'd say we wanted to hear what X was saying which really frustrated Wendy.

This site has become a sea of AI responses worthy of Primary School Drama Awards.
WTF.

I’ve been there, you just don’t click with everyone. It’s a shame but she’s just being herself and if you no longer enjoy the meet ups then I guess you should attend less. Maybe arrange one to one meet ups but the problem with that is that others might think you’re leaving them out. Rubbish situation. You could stick it out and hope that Sue leaves the group naturally? Otherwise maybe time to find new friends

I find it hard to deal with people who 'hold forth' and suck up all the energy. I would wait it out though. People do and will get tired of it.

I agree, it's really quite worrying that women in their fifties are so unable to manage communication and relationships.

It does feel like there's some arrested development that's happened at primary school: people haven't evolved beyond playground politics from about year six and their ability to grapple with these ordinary ups and downs is frozen in aspic.

All sorts of friction happens in friendship groups. It's absolutely normal and usually totally manageable if people behave like grownups and learn to roll with the punches. What's not normal, or healthy, is endless speculation about the motives of someone else because you don't immediately like the cut of their jib or obsession about how they are planning to take over the world.

You can't control other people's friendships and you shouldn't try.

A school mum friends sat me down recently and was upset that I never asked her questions about her life and she always asked me.

Now in my head I always thought it was rude to ask people questions, like im prying or being nosey. However I have no problem answering peoples questions and then I hope they jump in a tell me their bit of info.

It did make me think. Now I try super hard to ask questions even though it feels so uncomfortable.

The same person also pointed out that I make things about me - so for example she is telling me about a hardship then I would tell her a story about a similar hardship I suffered to show I understood. She said this came across as being selfish where I thought I was showing empathy.

It was a superhelpful conversation (after getting over being mortified) and made me reflect. We are now good enough friends.

Interestingly I have adhd kids and her kids have autism. After a bit of research we both carry traits that makes communication difficult between us with vastly different expectations.

Could this be that?

I had a couple of scenarios like this in my life.
First was when I was 19, my childhood friend (we'll call her Rita) who was a queen bee invited a new girl (we'll call her Nell) into our small friendship group (we were all pals from aged 6 in this group) and I slowly got pushed aside and then pushed out over the course of 2 years. 😔
They fawned over Nell, and I just couldn't understand it myself, as I tried with her, but we were like oil and water. 🙁
I was devastated, and had to build up my confidence and seek out brand new friends. It really knocked me to be so easily discarded after over 15 years of friendship.

Where are they now? it turns out Nell did the same thing to Rita the queen bee. They are still friendly but not best friends. Nell sacked off queen bee for another friendship group, and queen bee doesn't get the invites to that group.
Karma eventually goes around. 😆

They all requested me on social media and always say things like we must catch up soon over coffee or a cocktail if we ever physically see each other at mutual events /parties etc. Nope. Not interested. Thanks. 👍

The other one was when I went to night school. There was a gobby girl (we'll call her Cher) who dominated every conversation and if you didn't agree with her she would argue the toss until she ran out of breath. It was ridiculous. I don't suffer easily with bullying bullshitters. We had a class debate and me and Cher were in the same group of 3. She couldn't hack the fact that I didn't agree with every single aspect of her opinion and she was on form as usual. I didn't back down and it became extremely heated. After that she would try and ignore me if I spoke, or would cut me off when I spoke to others like I was invisible.
😆 🤣 😂
One day I called her out on it in front of everyone and said loudly, CHER? DIDNT YOU HEAR ME CHER? I SAID XYZ CHER? and kept referring to her by name, until she had no excuse but to actually acknowledge my presence.
She was SEETHING! 😆
I found out from another girl that Cher didn't like me, because I got higher marks that'll her in night school, and she felt threatened by me in that regard.
Not my problem.

I hope you're okay.
Call her name and say we were just talking about XYZ, and I was saying... and redirect the convo back to you. Always say her name first, then take back control of the convo.
Let the others see that she keeps cutting you off, and call her on it if you wish.
The problem isn't you. 💐
Trust me 🫂

So being arsed with someone only flows one way?

I think this is a variation of "Wendying" which was labelled on mumsnet as "being Helened" (after the character in the film Bridesmaids). Wendying is when you bring a new person into the group and they hijack your friends and freeze you out. Helening is a new person brought in by someone else who them freezes out another member of the group.

I've experienced both as an adult and it's so silly and petty I'd like to say it didn't bother me but I was actually hurt, confused and annoyed by it in turns as I had done nothing but be pleasant. Of course not everyone will want to be best pals with you but basic civility doesn't seem too much to ask.

It's impossible to know what is going on with Sue. Possibly she just doesn't like you for some reason and can't be bothered to be civil like a normal grown up. Possibly feels threatened by you because you are fun/clever/charismatic and hold the place in the group she wants to have/ keep for herself. Or possibly she feels you have little or no social currency for her and so she considers you to be disposable in the group.

A couple of other posters have suggested you keep your powder dry and wait for her unpleasantness to reveal itself to others. These "holding court" type people tend to be very self centred and sooner or later she will piss someone off.

In my "Helen" situation a new person was introduced to our group of 4 by one of the group, P, who'd met her as a school mum and thought she seemed fun. Very quickly "Helen" made clear she wanted to be besties with the other two, E and J and had zero interest in me or P. That would have been fine except she actively froze us out by organising lots of social events and "forgetting" to invite us. Looking back it seems she was bored in her marriage and wanted to leave her husband (which she did a bit later). E and J were both divorced and rediscovering their freedom whilst P and I were married/partnered. Basically she wanted people to go out drinking and on the pull with and didn't want to hang around with boring married people. A few months after splitting with her husband, E met someone she really liked and Helen was absolutely furious. E was a bit shocked that lovely fun Helen was not happy for her, in fact quite the reverse. Imagine the fall out when J also found a nice new partner. E and J were quite embarrassed at how totally they'd been swept up in the fun and flattery of a new friendship that they hadn't noticed me and P being marginalised.

You may just need to let it play out. In the meantime try to nuture individual friendships within the group and see how that goes. I wouldn't give up on the group just yet.

This often happens if a group has no common pivot/aim/goal or whatever it can be called. When it is just 'hanging out'.

Yup. You've been Wendied.

Where are her ‘old’ friends now? I’m quite suspicious of people who get to that age and don’t seem to have any existing friendships. Maybe she’s moved or whatever but it seems odd she’s embedded herself in your friendship group, and perhaps has a habit of doing this, and then moving on to the next fun opportunity. I’d not give up on these friends but maybe meet 1-1 or in smaller groups for now and see how it goes?

She will probably fall out with other members of the group, or ignore them too eventually.
Try seeing single members alone, like someone else already mentioned.

I would go to the meet ups but don’t plan to speak to anyone beyond small talk and watch your friends carefully. Are they really all willing members of the Sue Show. If you see any chink where someone’s eyes look like they are glazing over. I would make it known silently you can see it too.

I would privately say to this person or one of the group you are closest to or trust the most to not say anything to anyone else that you want to know if you are being a bit paranoid but Sue seems to always ignore you or speak over you when you are in the middle of a conversation and to tell you honestly if you are just imagining it or not.

If you find Sue being overly nice the next time you know this person has told Sue everything. If she doesn’t and she recognises what is going on then I would do the same with the next person and the next.

She is doing process of elimination isn't she? She doesn't like you / finds you boring and is trying to reign back attention from others when you're speaking. I would be tempted to do similar. If she is holding court, turn to the person to the side of you and see if you can get away with having a conversation with them.

Could there be a little green-eyed monster at play here??

Ive been the victim of this sort of thing a few times. It’s not necessarily that the person is manipulative. I’ve found that they just generally have big personalities, are very popular and the ‘queen bee’ type of person.
and I think what happens is when someone with such a big personality joins a group, they often have the gift of the gab and a knack of catching people’s attention. People seem to find them captivating and they always seem to have an ‘interesting story to tell’ or some drama going on in their life which seems to keep everyone hooked and wanting to know what happens, then the next time you meet up, people will ask her how her situation is and she will ‘fill everyone in’ with what’s been happening and it then becomes a bit of a ‘Sue show’ like you describe op.
What I’ve found is that if you don’t have quite a ‘big personality’ and if you’re one of the more quieter ones in the group, you seem to unintentionally move down the pecking order in certain friendship or work groups so that when you try to strike up a conversation or join in a conversation people just end up talking over you or don’t notice you said anything, even forget you’re there sometimes.

The absolute kicker in this is that your friends are also leaving you out, not acknowledging you are there. They probably haven’t even done it intentionally but if you have so little importance to them that they don’t even notice you don’t get a look in during group conversations then I’d probably start to distance myself from them.
I’d like to think, that as a friend of someone that I would notice if they were being left out.

Yes! Unfortunately. No good deed goes unpunished!

I disagree with you - Sue has entered an established group and quickly dominates the space and is excluding or subtly cold shouldering the questioner - those are signs of power and control issues and if I was the questioner I would be wary. I would stay and observe for a while but if Sue continues to dominate then the questioner can consider her options.

As frustrating as this is ... do not leave the group.
Stay close to the others don't be pushed out by her.

It’s a bit shit though, when these ‘friends’ aren’t really being friends when they are allowing op to be left out.
As op says, as soon as this Sue appears, they all swoon over her and it becomes the ‘Sue show’ and now op is feeling that maybe these friends aren’t her type of people anymore and that she feels sad that she thought they were her friends - so it seems to me that they are all playing a part in leaving op out.

I’ve had the same thing happen to me quite a few times now so I know what op means. It’s almost like you become invisible and may as well not be there as soon as the ‘queen bee’ arrives.

Treat like with like, and ignore the rude woman.
Just try and enjoy your other friends and don’t let her push you out.

Hopefully she’ll get bored soon anyway and move on, people like this usually do.