Stage 4 lung cancer that’s spread.. what to do?

[AmberHiker]

Hi everyone,
I could really use some advice because I’m feeling torn about what to do.

We’ve got a holiday booked with Virgin Holidays for March 2026 — total cost £4,500, deposit £350.

But we’ve just found out that my brother-in-law (who lives in Turkey) has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that’s already spread to his legs and rib cage. Obviously, it’s devastating news and my husband may need to fly back to Turkey at short notice to be with him.

Now I don’t know what to do about the holiday. If I cancel now, we’d probably just lose the deposit (£350). If I wait until closer to the date, we could lose a lot more money. But I also don’t want to risk my husband needing to go home and our son being left with a family member and me so far away

Has anyone dealt with Virgin Holidays or other companies in similar compassionate circumstances? Did they allow you to cancel or postpone without losing everything?

Would you cancel now and take the £350 loss, or hold off and hope things settle?
I just feel stuck and not sure what the most sensible thing to do is 💔

I would cancel. It's more important you are with your dh now to support him
And also he will be free to spend time with his brother while he has the chance.

@MistyWater That's very unusual because the policies we've used always say they won't cover if a relative has an appt to see a doctor etc. I've had to arrange UK holidays outside of my elderly mum's routine appts with consultants or accept we'd take a financial hit if we had to cancel.

In all honesty it sounds like from how advanced the illness is and how rapidly it’s developed, he may not be around by the spring. I’d hold off for now until you have more of an idea from the Drs.

So the first appointment with the oncologist was yesterday it blows my mind that in Turkey they can downplay the reality to the patient . The doctor is saying it’s best to not tell him the extent and he’s been told he has a small amount in his side and they want to do bloods and a brain scan today then treatment will be decided .

this doesn’t sit right with me as I think he has the right to know . He has 4 children. Surely at some point they are going to have to eclxplain it’s actually in both lungs both legs and one side of his rib cage ? Is it not cruel for him to embark on treatment not knowing that he has no chance to beat it ? It makes me so mad . I can’t explain.

Everyone seems optimistic. They have mentioned chemo and targeted treatments and explained it’s the most typical type he has non small cell? The one most people get, Turkey refer to it as the female type. As he’s not young and a heavy smoker I can’t see how.

I am for protecting his wellbeing mentally but I stand by its cruel and shocking behaviour of a doctor to not only withhold this from him but encourage the family to do the same . I’m led to believe if it’s targeted treatment those people do a lot better time wise …

I’ll be surprised if he sees March. Sorry for your news.

I would speak to virgin and travel insurance and see what the lay of the land is. Not sure you would be covered under insurance as your DH isn’t going (harsh as it is)

if husband is going to need to spend £ on travelling to and from Turkey though I’d bite the bullet cancel and lose £350. And ask if virgin would give you your deposit back as a good will gesture or even perhaps give you a voucher to that value to rebook at a later date when things are clearer

non small cell lung cancers has a longer life prognoses in general than small cell lung caner (which averages 12/16 weeks life from diagnosis to death)

I have a friend presently with non small cell and on his second round of chemo, and this is 30 months after first being diagnosed. It obviously varies but its not a definite short life sentence as small cell

My aunts insurance refunded her holiday after my mum died but don’t know if you want to rely on that.

It’s a big stress, I would cancel and then treat yourself to an ever fancier holiday another time.

I’d try to see if they can delay the holiday until 2027

I’m in similar position op.. meant to be leaving for a 3 wk cruise then Costa Rica but MIL fell, in hospital and it could go either way. Don’t think we have separate insurance so will probably lose the lot.

They can say they will do treatment but its usually to late. My family member was told she could have chemo to give her more time (couldnt beat it) but she died a week after she was due to start the chemo and the week she was due to start she was in a hospice. They are being cruel not telling him the truth.

In this country (UK) they won't give a patient a direct prognosis unless the patient specifically asks for one - not everyone wants to know.

What is shocking to me is not that they haven't told him, but that they have then told everyone else around him - presumably they're not hot in patient confidentiality in Turkey.

Not my experience either with my own cancer, diagnosed last year, or with various family members. Doctors were always direct about the diagnosis and discussed prognosis at each stage of treatment. They were also very direct about the reasons for the restaging of my cancer from stage 2 to stage 3.

Hopefully his Brain mri results will be back today and they will decide the treatment plan. If it’s in the brain I’m going to cancel the trip. If it’s not given he’s a candidate for targeted treatment I am going to go ahead and keep the booking .

I think it’s deeply unprofessional of the oncologist in Turkey to not be up front about the reality of this , I just couldn’t imagine putting a patient on a plan of treatment and sitting knowing the extent and down playing it to their face.

Targeted treatment may only mean best supportive care (ie palliative) - if he’s got multiple bone mets particularly in limb extremities then I would be surprised if they are talking about aggressive life prolonging treatments?

This is my family’s approach too. My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that had spread throughout the body including his lungs. They told him it was usual to die within weeks maybe a couple of months at this stage but that new medication and surgery options were coming out all the time. My Dad lived another 7 years. My sibling spent 2 years of that time on a work secondment halfway across the world. My Dad was one of the first people to tell him to go. Life is for living.

My Dad was in a really nasty accident the day after his diagnosis and rushed to hospital in an ambulance with possible neck and spine damage. He was fine but it made us all realise that putting our lives on hold wasn’t the answer for us.

I assume they meant the kinda drugs that respond quite well if there is specific genetic in the cells ? The brain scan results today have shown it’s in his brain. They are doing a mri tomorrow . I didn’t know cancer in the brain can show on a ct usually ? No word on how bad . He still remains clueless of his diagnosis though his oncologist did say he needed a brain scan to rule out it’s travelled to his brain so I don’t know how the oncologist will get around that one … am I stupid to think he could still go on for a long time at this stage ?

Yes, they can definitely show on the CT but the CT can also underestimate the extent of disease and miss small lesions. MRI is better.
I suspect he is not long for this world. I would cancel the trip and rebook for later.

I know someone who lived for five years with lung cancer that spread to his brain.

My DH was diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer (totally non smoker - hated smoking) It spread to his brain (had gamma knife to get that) he lived for 18 months total. Had the gamma knife at 6 months - so survived a year after this. Was working normally much till the end.

Of course there will be those that live much longer and those that will die within a few weeks of diagnosis but on average survival is usually less than a year.
So it really comes down to what would OP regret less or what would be least stressful for the family, including OP, her son and DH.

There has to be a point where they tell him the extent because honestly some people will just say “how intense is the life prolonging treatment what are the effects how much time will it give” and then decide whether they want to live life to the fullest for a short time or get put the wringer medically to “hopefully” get a bit more time

there’s too many unknowns eg his other comorbidities will have an influence too.

stop dithering. Get in touch with virgin and cancel the trip. You don’t have a crystal ball. Take the £350 hit and try to wing some vouchers or the cost will end up being much higher

Targeted therapy is a specific form of cancer therapy.

It would be totally normal in Turkish culture for the oncologist not to discuss prognosis, most of his patients would be really upset if he did and think that was unprofessional.

Hi
So sorry for the diagnosis that your bil has received.
I would definitely advise cancellation now and lose the deposit.
Im a Registered Nurse with experience in end of life care. When cancer has spread to bones there often is very little that can be done. Treatment may be offered but it would be palliative only. Would not effect a cure and may just effect some pain relief.
I would expect this condition to be fast moving with a prognosis of weeks, months at most. Your DH needs to prepare for the worst and I’d be advising him to visit his brother asap.
Sorry to be so pessimistic but this is my experience in my professional career.
Sending hugs and support. Live for today the future is uncertain!

My grandfather was diagnosed in February and had passed by July. Unfortunately I don’t think he will have long

thanks, im trying to get it clarified if he has been tested for genetic markers which means he could have targeted treatment instead of just chemo and radiotherapy as I understand those patients tend to last longer ? He has the follow up mri today but with the oncologist following a village mentality of not sharing his actual diagnosis and the family following getting concrete information is proving quite difficult .