Stage 4 lung cancer that’s spread.. what to do?

[AmberHiker]

Hi everyone,
I could really use some advice because I’m feeling torn about what to do.

We’ve got a holiday booked with Virgin Holidays for March 2026 — total cost £4,500, deposit £350.

But we’ve just found out that my brother-in-law (who lives in Turkey) has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that’s already spread to his legs and rib cage. Obviously, it’s devastating news and my husband may need to fly back to Turkey at short notice to be with him.

Now I don’t know what to do about the holiday. If I cancel now, we’d probably just lose the deposit (£350). If I wait until closer to the date, we could lose a lot more money. But I also don’t want to risk my husband needing to go home and our son being left with a family member and me so far away

Has anyone dealt with Virgin Holidays or other companies in similar compassionate circumstances? Did they allow you to cancel or postpone without losing everything?

Would you cancel now and take the £350 loss, or hold off and hope things settle?
I just feel stuck and not sure what the most sensible thing to do is 💔

As the holiday is for you and your daughter, and in March next year, I'd take a step back re canceling it just yet.
Either add your son to the holiday (if feasible) or look into different care for your son should the need arise *if your DH needs to go to Turkey as shirt notice during your trip.
Your DH is correct you can't live this way.
Sorry to hear of your BIL illness though.
My aunt in law received a terminal diagnosis but lived a further 3 years (different cancer).

I don’t see what difference your second post makes. Just swallow the £350 (ask for them to make an exception obviously but live with it) and book your holiday after your BIL is dead. You won’t have to wait too long for your holiday. And he’ll only die once.

Listen to DH. He doesn't want you to cancel, at least not yet. He wants you all to continue as normal for as long as you can. Unless you think he doesn't mean that, I'd keep the booking and be prepared to come home if necessary and/or arrange for someone to look after your other son if his dad has to go away.
I'm pretty sure that insurance would not pay up for a brother-in-law so make sure you are OK with any financial loss there may be.

I'm sorry about your brother in law. Practically speaking there is no point in cancelling until the balance is due. You don't know what could happen between now and then.

Unlikely scenario but I had a holiday booked once that I knew I couldn't go on but hadn't cancelled yet. A month before the balance was due the flight dates were changed by the airline so I was able to get a full refund of my deposit. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I had already cancelled.

Can the deposit be used for another holiday in the future? Can’t you change it forward a year or two?

Agree. Adenocarcinoma also has a better prognosis and the time line depends very much on overall general health. OP mentioned it was in the legs and rib cage and this type of spread tends to have a poor prognosis, especially if it’s spread to the long bones of the arms or legs. There’s a lot of variables.

Sensitivity is clearly not your strong point.

I would ring the company and ask them directly… under the circumstances they might let you transfer the deposit to a different holiday/ year . It’s worth checking and hopefully you get some one sympathetic 🤷‍♂️

I am really sorry to hear your news. It must be a huge shock for your whole family. Re the holiday, I don't think that you have enough information to make a decision yet. Some people go in weeks from diagnosis but I had a loved one who survived nearly 2 years from diagnosis of stage 4 lung adenocarcinoma which had spread to liver and lymph nodes. I remember the dilemma about holidays well and I really do feel your pain.
Chemo and immunotherapy only give more time, they won't cure but they can give a lot more time than you might think.
Different types of lung cancer progress at different speeds - once you know which type and the treatment plan, if any, you will have a better idea. If he is too unwell for treatment then I'm afraid that there is a very real risk that DBIL could be gone before your holiday next March. How would you feel about going away if he had already gone? Practically, I would check both your holiday and insurance terms and conditions now and try to gently find out type of cancer and treatment plan before you make a decision. Definitely worth speaking to holiday company and ask if you could put holiday back to say March 2027 if that is something you would prefer. On a brighter note, if DBIL is well enough to travel at any point, we found Insurance With provided sensibly priced insurance cover for my loved one despite the cancer and got her away a couple of times before she died. We used special assistance at airport to get her on the plane. Lots of useful info re lung cancer at
https://roycastle.org/learn-about-lung-cancer/.

Your husband doesn’t want you to cancel, so don’t. What difference will it really make if you’re not there for a few days?

I’m insured with the same insurer my in laws were when their grandchild needed surgery and they were able to cancel.

I’ve not got all of the terms to hand but the summary I have says this (see picture when it loads) which also implies it could be covered.

Although to be fair when I first posted I thought her DH was travelling too, so it might be more of a stretch than I imagined - but still not specifically excluded from my insurance terms.

This lays it all out perfectly.

I hope this post gets your attention @AmberHiker 💐

I'd definitely wait until after he sees oncologist. My relative was diagnosed with very similar earlier in the year, she's having chemo and then likely some radiotherapy. Immunotherapy could also be an option for some people. The diagnosis is terminal, we think my relative likely has around a year with the treatment she is having but would have been a lot less without.

You’re so lucky it would only cost you £350, i’ve had to change flights with virgin due to personal reasons and it cost me £2000 for 4 of us.

I am really sorry OP, but I would not consider going.

When mum died of stage 4 lung cancer it only took nine months from diagnosis to passing, She was 64 and gave up three years prior. She had the constitution of an ox, very rarely ill. She survived a very violent bout of covid and must have been down to four stone near the end - goodness knows how she made it that long.

When it happened, although I had been mentally preparing for years as she could not give up smoking, it was still like someone had punched me in the gut and I doubled over in shock and wailed like a bloody banshee for two days straight.

We were not bum chums so it was an unexpected reaction. I absolutely needed my OH to be there with me. I think it's the cruelty of the young age, mainly.

Your DH may not react the way he is expecting.

Sorry if i have missed something in the thread that makes the above invalid. And I am so sorry for the prognosis.

I’d go on the holiday. If your dh needs to go be with his brother, then he can go. Surely, you can manage on holiday without him. Dh and I mostly take our dc on holidays solo (it’s hard for both of us to be away at the same time).

A stage 4 cancer diagnosis does not by itself mean he’s going to die within a few months. I have cancer myself and I know lots of people with stage 4 cancer. They are going on holiday themselves and starting new jobs and doing all sorts of normal things. Yes, lung cancer, the prognosis is not as good as for something like bowel or breast cancer. But I wouldn’t assume he’s definitely going to be dead for 2027 (how grim). He also will not want you stopping your lives just because he has cancer. I know I wouldn’t have.

I think you should keep the holiday - and I say that as the wife of a man who has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to various other parts of his body.

Like you say - he's only just had his diagnosis, nothing has been put into place treatment-wise and there's nothing magical about March 2026 being a decider date for anything. You do have to carry on living.

(My husband was diagnosed two years ago. He's had some radiotherapy and is on oral chemotherapy and is still with us.)

Just go, it's early days as others have said. Why would your ds being left with a relative be a problem if your dh had to go to Turkey at short notice, is he very young and not used to staying with family?

Yes cancel now as you have no idea of timeframe / when your husband might be needed. One of my best friends died from lung cancer this year, diagnosis to death was sadly only 9wks. It had spread to her brain before it was detected.

I cancelled and was reimbursed through insurance... What makes you so sure ??@BelatrixLestrange @AmberHiker

You aren't insured if you have any close relatives who are ill , undergoing treatment or have an appt to see a consultant at the time of you booking the holiday. The form asks you these questions and if not, it's in the T&Cs.
(If you then cancel the holiday.)

Many companies will not cover you for cancellation if you book when you know a close family member is ill - especially when it's a terminal illness.

I would cancel OP, I think he will likely be in his last 4-8 months based on what you have said.

I’d hazard a guess it’s not the OP’s either. Anyone normal would swallow the £350 (she can afford a £4,500 holiday) and concentrate on supporting her husband and BIL. Not go on Mumsnet hoping for permission to go on a holiday.

Sorry but a family member of mine was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She passed away within 5 weeks of being diagnosed. Cancel the hoilday.