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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stage 4 lung cancer that’s spread.. what to do?

135 replies

AmberHiker · 09/11/2025 17:13

Hi everyone,
I could really use some advice because I’m feeling torn about what to do.

We’ve got a holiday booked with Virgin Holidays for March 2026 — total cost £4,500, deposit £350.

But we’ve just found out that my brother-in-law (who lives in Turkey) has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that’s already spread to his legs and rib cage. Obviously, it’s devastating news and my husband may need to fly back to Turkey at short notice to be with him.

Now I don’t know what to do about the holiday. If I cancel now, we’d probably just lose the deposit (£350). If I wait until closer to the date, we could lose a lot more money. But I also don’t want to risk my husband needing to go home and our son being left with a family member and me so far away

Has anyone dealt with Virgin Holidays or other companies in similar compassionate circumstances? Did they allow you to cancel or postpone without losing everything?

Would you cancel now and take the £350 loss, or hold off and hope things settle?
I just feel stuck and not sure what the most sensible thing to do is 💔

OP posts:
caringcarer · 09/11/2025 17:35

Stage 4 and it's already spread probably means your bil might be in his last year. I'd cancel and rebook after he's passed away.

TartanMammy · 09/11/2025 17:36

BaconCheeses · 09/11/2025 17:28

Stage 4 lung cancer isn't usually a prolonged illness and so you also need to think how you would feel going away shortly "after".

If the answer is probably not very good, especially if DH is looking to be involved in arrangements, then you absolutely need to cancel.

You could ask to move the date?

This MiL was diagnosed in Oct (earlier stage) and was gone by April. Have you looked at the prognosis for stage 4 lunch cancer op?
I'm so sorry your going through this it's a horrible illness.

BelatrixLestrange · 09/11/2025 17:36

OCDmama · 09/11/2025 17:29

Being completely mercenary.... What's the prognosis?

It's stage 4 lung cancer that's spread all over his body.

The prognosis is terminal. I'm not medical but surely that's obvious?

OP he is unlikely to last long oncologist or no. My DH grandfather lasted 3 months from diagnosis.

BelatrixLestrange · 09/11/2025 17:39

caringcarer · 09/11/2025 17:35

Stage 4 and it's already spread probably means your bil might be in his last year. I'd cancel and rebook after he's passed away.

Last few months more like.

BorgQueen · 09/11/2025 17:39

You can probably reschedule for later next year for less than £350. Why not do that?

KellsBells7 · 09/11/2025 17:40

I would speak to Virgin Holidays, they may allow you to transfer the deposit to a different date once you know more.

AirborneElephant · 09/11/2025 17:48

I’m so sorry OP. I’d hold off until next week at least in the hope of getting a prognosis, presumably that won’t change the amount at risk? Lung cancer that has already spread enough to cause spontaneous bone breaking can be very aggressive, I had a family member diagnosed in that way and she died six weeks later.

DBD1975 · 09/11/2025 17:57

I have a family member in this situation, diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2022 (over 3 years ago) and still going strong.
You need to know the prognosis to make an informed decision.

Libellousness · 09/11/2025 17:58

AmberHiker · 09/11/2025 17:24

My husband wasn’t coming on the trip it was meant for me and my older daughter. Our son was meant to stay home with his dad, I just think in reality if I was that far from home and my son was caught up in his dad needing to go home urgently it would stress me so much. I obviously would want to be here for my husband too. I’ve talked to him as the sooner I cancel the less money I’ll loose but he’s adamant we can’t live life like that… his brother has only just been diagnosed after his rib broke from coughing that how they found it so I suspect it’s quite bad already. He’s 50 and a heavy heavy smoker. They have their initial meeting with the oncologist Monday. All that’s been mentioned is likely chemo/ radiotherapy

It would have been helpful to include in your opening post the fact that the holiday is only for you and your DD, and your key concern is your son being left alone if your husband has to travel to Turkey at short notice. I suspect you’d be getting more helpful answers then…

Libellousness · 09/11/2025 17:58

Can your son join you and dd on the holiday?

OnlyOnAFriday · 09/11/2025 18:01

How old is your son?

if your bil died would you not be going to turkey for the funeral?

HedgehogCrisps · 09/11/2025 18:01

I can see your DHs view on this.

My DF was stage 4 for well over a year. Initially I wouldn't leave the country etc but in the end we scaled back the number of trips but still went abroad. It felt like our life was on hold for a long period of time.

How old is your DS and would he be ok staying with someone else if your DH had to visit his brother?

If this is a trip that could be postponed then I would do that. If not, and my DS was happy with the back up plan I'd go.

Ooogle · 09/11/2025 18:03

Id cancel. His prognosis does not sound good.

if DH is adamant you don’t, would it cost much to change his name to your sons and take your son and daughter instead if DH can’t make it?

P00hsticks · 09/11/2025 18:03

I'd also check that you'd only lose £350 if you cancel - some holiday firms offer low (or even no) deposit holidays but the T&C's say that you'd have to pay more if you cancel....

Cat1504 · 09/11/2025 18:04

Cancel …but you may be liable to pay more

Anuta77 · 09/11/2025 18:04

I would cancel, I don't think your husband could feel good on a holiday knowing that he might not see his brother again.

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 09/11/2025 18:05

I am going to go against the grain here and agree with your DH, it's no way to live. A year ago I would have said the opposite but since then my FIL aged 80 has been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the lungs, brain, kidneys, liver, stomach and lymph nodes. He's been at deaths door 3 times and is still here although we think he is at the end now. Initially we cancelled everything and it felt like we were waiting for him to die. So we made a decision to carry on living and include my FIL in this. We planned birthday meals out, a weekend away with them and we have booked Christmas dinner out with my PIL. The weekend away had to be cancelled, we were once on holiday while he was in hospital, so sometimes this has been the right thing to do and other times it hasn't. But overall we think we made the right call. If at the end of the day you have to cancel the trip at the last minute then so be it, until that point keep living. That is my opinion anyway and it might offer a different perspective for you to consider.

JustMyView13 · 09/11/2025 18:07

I think you should continue with your plans. DH is right, you can’t put your life on hold. He could have a whole year left, he could have just a month. The nature of the beast is the relative unpredictability of it. If DBIL hadn’t had the diagnosis, there’s nothing to say that your holiday was free from family emergencies that would leave you feeling torn. In this scenario, you have the forewarning & knowledge to make plans.

ArtichokesBloom · 09/11/2025 18:07

Cancel. Talk to Virgin about transferring your deposit to a different holiday/date

mamagogo1 · 09/11/2025 18:12

Speak to the holiday company, they may be willing to move the booking or give you credit for a future booking. If you have insurance already they may pay out if you weren’t able to go but you should speak to them now and get it in writing

Friendlyfart · 09/11/2025 18:14

I hate to say it, but if it's stage 4 and spread he won't have long. My DM died of lung cancer, 6 weeks after diagnosis. I'd still cancel the holiday and lose the deposit - when do you have to pay the balance? I'd decide then if it's not for a few weeks.
Travel insurance wont cover you in these circumstances.

BasicBrumble · 09/11/2025 18:18

You can’t get insured for cancellation if you know a relative has terminal cancer. Not as far as I know anyway, so maybe best to cancel now.

bit surprised at everyone talking about the timing being so short. My dad’s cancer has spread and they are not talking in months yet. But maybe they should be. Sad sigh.

MikeRafone · 09/11/2025 18:21

very sensitively, do you know which type of lung cancer your BIL has? Unfortunately there is a big difference in time scales between non small cell and small cell cancer, this maybe something you want to find out. If it is small cell lung cancer, then you may want to look at the swiftness of this terribly disease

HoskinsChoice · 09/11/2025 18:22

I'd wait for a prognosis. I had a family member with stage 4 lung cancer - he was given 18months and it was very accurate. Obviously there's a lot of variables but I wouldn't leap into a decision until you know more.

Wafflefinder · 09/11/2025 18:23

I’ve just had a look at Virgin’s cancellation policy, you can cancel and only lose your deposit up to 84 days before departure and after that you’re liable to pay more - so work out that exact date, but you can afford to wait until he’s had his appointment with the oncologist before you make a decision. I’d not rely on travel insurance paying out for a cancellation - my dad dropped dead suddenly two weeks before I went on holiday and both Thomas Cook and my insurance company could not have been any less interested.

Give them a call, they’ll be able to tell you what your options are.

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