Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

[Artisanshoelace]

I'd like DH and I to visit a therapist together and he has reluctantly agreed on the condition that I tell him in advance, the points I'll be raising (ideally he wants a written list).

In order not to drip feed, I'd like to discuss DH's drinking...which is 6 to 7 bottles of wine and week. He is never abusive and doesn't drink in front of the children (late teens) but his drinking has caused issues with laziness and disruption at home...late meals, not helping around the home etc. Ive tried to tackle this gently but he becomes extremely defensive angry and argumentative when I do. He's not a stupid man so he knows his drinking is a factor in my wanting us to see a therapist.

Other things I'd like to discuss are that he wants me to sell a property I've inherited so that we can move to a larger home (we dont need) with a driveway as our current home is close to a city centre and only has street parking. I love our current house, parking has never been a real issue and im happy here. I want to rent out the property I've inherited and maybe deep down a desire to keep it comes from feeling that one day I might need a place of refuge from DH although the main motivation is that I don't want to move and he's nagging me to do so.

AIBU not to want to present him with a list of topics prior to seeing the therapist ? From experience he will just get angry if I do and start shouting about why my points are invalid.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It sounds like the need for therapy is because he isn’t being reasonable. Don’t forewarn him.

Id be worried he wouldn't like what he saw on the list and refuse to go/try to dictate some rules about only coming if certain things aren't raised which would defeat the point. Could you say having researched the advice is not to discuss what you'll be bringing up beforehand if the therapy is going to be beneficial or something like that to try and encourage him to give it a go.

Not a chance I would sell the inherited property to further enmesh my finances with an alcoholic. Maybe you should be honest with him (if safe to do so).
Sounds like he needs a rock bottom to stop drinking, you need to decide if you want to be around when that happens.

Presumably you have discussed these points over and over at home so it's not like it's going to be a surprise? If you've not mentioned them before then yes I think it's reasonable to discuss it at home first.

That's a good idea, thank you.

Can you discuss generally before you go. Like I would like to discuss how we make decisions, communication and how I'm feeling about your drinking? Then say that you imagine as the session develops the counsellor will explore relevant topics about how you're working together. If you can't even have this discussion then you may be able to drag him to one session but he'll probably not react well to the drinking coming up without warning and use it as an excuse to quit. You can't give him an exhaust I've list. If discussing the topics makes him refuse to go then counselling might not be the answer. You could also ask him what he thinks you want to discuss as he probably realises anyway. And don't let him persuade you to do anything with that inheritance. That's your escape fund and I bet he knows it!

It sounds like therapy is the right way forward as you guys are struggling to talk about these things between yourselves. I would go against the grain and suggest you do tell him what you want to discuss. You guys need to start an honest dialogue. He has agreed to the counselling and chances are he knows these are the problems in the marriage. Good luck with it all.

Given what you’ve said, I’d first see a solicitor to discuss how to protect your inherited property. Apparently you need to take steps to keep it separate from the matrimonial pot.

Ideally you don’t want to share it in a divorce!

I don’t think you can stay married to a man who wants to know what you are going to say to a therapist, tell you what to do with your inheritance, won’t listen when you tell him you love where you live, and behaves badly when you disagree- angry and shouting until you give in isn’t something you can fix in couples counselling.

I would be tempted to give a half truth - like that you are feeling unappreciated and that the household tasks aren't shared evenly - but make the point that from what you've heard/experienced, other things might come up that you haven't even considered. Which is honestly true of therapy.

Given what you’ve said, I’d first see a solicitor to discuss how to protect your inherited property. Apparently you need to take steps to keep it separate from the matrimonial pot.
Ideally you don’t want to share it in a divorce!

This is great advice

Agree with pp - solicitor ASAP to protect your inheritance before it becomes part of the family pot which he would be entitled to half upon divorce. Protect it properly.

Then I suggest you visit an AA family support group as I feel that might be more beneficial to you than couples counselling considering the problems stem from him being an alcoholic. It's time you faced up to that and only then can you start deciding on what to do. Alcoholics destroy children's lives and don't kid yourself your children don't know.

I'm not sure that couples therapy will stop his drinking, but it might be a good idea for him to hear from someone else that he had a drink problem.

Please do not sell your inherited property. You are lucky to have an out if needed. Dont ever give it up. Many people don’t have that option. Aggressive and argumentative can escalate the more they drink. Aggressive and argumentative when trying to discuss his drinking habits is a form of abuse, and won’t get any better. Also, if he’s secretive about drinking the wine in front of his kids, could he also be hiding alcohol consumption from you? My husband does, he has a few bottles of beer and when I go to bed, has some spirits also, he thinks I don’t know, but I’m not sure which fairy he thinks gets rid of the bottles every now and then.

I don't think couples' therapy would be that beneficial for you. You would be better off attending therapy on your own, with a view to finding out what you want in your life for the rest of your life.

The points I want to discuss have definitely caused tension and I have previously mentioned seeing a therapist in connection with them (he initially dismissed this idea) so he knows why we're going...yet still wants this list.

Then no. Tell him to reflect on past conversations as you've tried to discuss it with him before and it was a waste of your time.

I'd give him a list and make the last point on the list 'When I assert myself husband gets angry, shouts and tells me my points are invalid.'

This is why therapy with a partner who is manipulative and controlling and alcohol dependant is not advised - he will use the information to DARVO you in front of the therapist. You both need to enter therapy with the agreement to be open honest and constructive - it's fine to have a discussion about priorities but having to submit a list smacks of coercive behaviour. Its recommended you have your own individual therapy

Tell him you are going for communication issues, you are not heard.
therapy is about digging deeper, & you dont know where the delving will take you

There's no way to protect her inheritance in a divorce.
All assets of both parties go into the pot to be divided as a judge sees fit unless they can agree between themselves.
If you want to protect your personal assets then don't get married.

You are incorrect. Inheritances fall into a grey area where it can either go into the matrimonial finances pot to be shared equally unless certain criteria are met which ensure it's hers only. Which is why the OP needs to seek legal advice immediately.

You say he knows how you feel about the drinking anyway.
So you could be honest and put that as one of them. You could also say 'difference in opinion regarding assets'. Or just tell him you don't know exactly what you will discuss and want to see what it leads on the day.

Either way you can talk about whatever you feel like. Without writing it on a list for him in advance.

Go to therapy on your own first
So you clear in your mind what your future looks like

He will manipulate the session.
What are you trying to achieve with joint sessiins?

If you decide to go with then just keep some key points in your head to repeat eg "his drinking causes issues because...." "i feel xxx when he drinks " etc

A list doesn't have to bear any resemblance to what you actually say when you get there.

He sounds very hard work OP. I'd be tempted to move into the other house if I were you.

I don’t think either will work tbh. If you tell him before he will get angry and defensive. If you refuse he won’t come. If you lie about the list he will likely storm out of therapy in rage.

I don’t think your marriage will survive this if he lashes out at you. Alcohol really is a devil. Don’t sell your flat either.