Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

[Artisanshoelace]

I'd like DH and I to visit a therapist together and he has reluctantly agreed on the condition that I tell him in advance, the points I'll be raising (ideally he wants a written list).

In order not to drip feed, I'd like to discuss DH's drinking...which is 6 to 7 bottles of wine and week. He is never abusive and doesn't drink in front of the children (late teens) but his drinking has caused issues with laziness and disruption at home...late meals, not helping around the home etc. Ive tried to tackle this gently but he becomes extremely defensive angry and argumentative when I do. He's not a stupid man so he knows his drinking is a factor in my wanting us to see a therapist.

Other things I'd like to discuss are that he wants me to sell a property I've inherited so that we can move to a larger home (we dont need) with a driveway as our current home is close to a city centre and only has street parking. I love our current house, parking has never been a real issue and im happy here. I want to rent out the property I've inherited and maybe deep down a desire to keep it comes from feeling that one day I might need a place of refuge from DH although the main motivation is that I don't want to move and he's nagging me to do so.

AIBU not to want to present him with a list of topics prior to seeing the therapist ? From experience he will just get angry if I do and start shouting about why my points are invalid.

Normalising excessive drinking isn't going to help. He is drinking between 54 and 60 units a week, which is 50+ units over recommended guidelines.

Normalising excessive drinking isn't going to help. He is drinking between 54 and 60 units a week, which is 50+ units over recommended guidelines.

Wow OP, you are in serious denial. It is so far beyond normal and healthy to be drinking a bottle of wine a night every night, or 6 nights out of 7.

You are here now at the tipping point.

His drinking is badly out of hand he is drinking 70+ units a week that you know of..

Tell him he needs to attend the therapy session its VERY important to you and its an hour of his time. If it IS a waste of time so what? He will have made his wife happy. If he cant manage to do something he knows is so imortant to you, he should know you will take it as a sign regarding the marriage.

Separarely - Tell him he is free to present you with alternate therapists (shortlist of 3 and all must gave qualifications) ypu are happy to switch but youd like to a choice and you want to at least start with the one you have found.

DO NOT SELL YOUR INHERITED HOUSE until this is resolved. Stamp duty alone in case of divorce makes it an awful idea.
And do make it a priority to resolve this.

Kicking it into the weeds (or allowing to) would be a big mistake.

Please keep that appointment and go alone if needs be (it will be helpful even if a solo session)

Separately see a solicitor about that house.

If my husband told me to sit in a room for a hour or our marriage was in jeopardy i'd do it. If he wont... he is telling you something.

The only reasons he could want this info in advance is either so that he can just refuse (on whatever grounds - you've already discussed it, he won't change it etc) or so that he can practice his responses in advance/formalise his defence in his head

I would definitely not tell him in advance.

I don't think that the OP is taking him there to change him, rather to mediate the situation as the drinking and selling the house are not going to work for her

Yanbu.

When you say "no" you say "the whole point of this is that there are things I cannot discuss with you without you becoming angry and argumentative and there's no point trying to discuss them without a neutral third party to help us. I am not going to trigger a row with you by starting the conversation outside the sessions we have agreed to"

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp He knows she has the house! That’s why he wants it sold to buy a bigger one. Having said that, in normal circumstances I’d agree with that. Letting it out is a disaster with the law changes coming up. That’s a foolish thing to do. I’d see a solicitor about passing the inheritance to dc after it’s sold. Cut op and dh out altogether.

Id be amazed that he didn’t know what op wants to discuss. Of course he knows. It’s the drinking and consequent behaviour. So in my view, a one word list is fine. Either alcoholism or drinking. Everything stems from that. I think I’d go straight for divorce though. This situation isn’t going to improve and op needs to keep her inheritance.

Its exactly this.
I appreciate that he would be totally justified in asking why we were going if I'd just raised the idea of therapy out of the blue...however I'd mentioned a number of times that I'd like to try it in relation to these issues and I think he asked for this list purely so he could turn what should be a discussion into an argument.
He's never hidden his drinking from me...but if I wasnt aware he drank, I'd never have been able to tell. He's always had to work with offices in different time zones so has to be in his study much of the evening....if I or the kids were to pop in hes just sitting there with a glass appearing totally normal.
Re him being a lovely man...he truly is...the majority of the time..and not just to those outside the family but also to me....but im beginning to realise thats because I've bent my life to suit him.

@Artisanshoelace How can an alcoholic be lovely? Not a great husband or parent. A terrible role model too. You cannot avoid arguments with damaged people. He needs to agree to stop drinking first - I cannot see how therapy will help if he doesn’t want to change. Dragging him there and dumping on him won’t work and therapy for couples doesn’t work like this either. He will be asked what his position is about you and what he thinks the issues are. He’ll probably lie but this session isn’t going to be just about you. It’s not as if he cannot guess what you want to say and you are both dancing on a pinhead around alcoholism. So why not spell it out!?

OP he is drinking when working? At the moment he is holding it together but it is a house of cards that could tumble at any time, leaving him without a job etc…

Honestly, how much do you want counselling to repair the marriage or to be able to say you tried so you can walk away? How long have you been asking for counselling?

If the latter, you don’t need it. You are living with an overbearing alcoholic. You are fully justified in ending the relationship. If the inherited house is nearby, move into it and start divorce proceedings.

Stop with the conversation about alcohol unless you enjoy banging your head on a wall. Go to Al Anon. It’s free (save your money on couples therapy - it would be pouring money down a drain) and will open your eyes to the futile nature of trying to get someone to drink less. It will also give you clarity on how to move forward.