Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

[Artisanshoelace]

I'd like DH and I to visit a therapist together and he has reluctantly agreed on the condition that I tell him in advance, the points I'll be raising (ideally he wants a written list).

In order not to drip feed, I'd like to discuss DH's drinking...which is 6 to 7 bottles of wine and week. He is never abusive and doesn't drink in front of the children (late teens) but his drinking has caused issues with laziness and disruption at home...late meals, not helping around the home etc. Ive tried to tackle this gently but he becomes extremely defensive angry and argumentative when I do. He's not a stupid man so he knows his drinking is a factor in my wanting us to see a therapist.

Other things I'd like to discuss are that he wants me to sell a property I've inherited so that we can move to a larger home (we dont need) with a driveway as our current home is close to a city centre and only has street parking. I love our current house, parking has never been a real issue and im happy here. I want to rent out the property I've inherited and maybe deep down a desire to keep it comes from feeling that one day I might need a place of refuge from DH although the main motivation is that I don't want to move and he's nagging me to do so.

AIBU not to want to present him with a list of topics prior to seeing the therapist ? From experience he will just get angry if I do and start shouting about why my points are invalid.

If she manages to protect it her ex may get a bigger share of the matrimonial pot in the divorce to compensate as he'll have more need than she will. A judge will be looking to ensure any financial settlement leaves both parties on a level playing field able to house themselves and provide homes for the children.

This is an excellent idea.

As soon as you intermingle your inheritance by using it to buy a new home he lives him he will become entitled to 50% of it roughly on divorce. It is absolutely essential that you keep that inheritance separate from him if you don’t want to share it. And more importantly, it’s yours and you should do whatever you want with it! He sounds pretty dire…

Give him this.
I want to discuss:

1. Your over- controlling demands including making me provide this list

He sounds rather controlling

I don't see the harm in giving him a list with quite broad topics on it. These problems aren't a secret are they? Preparing a list may help you keep on track in the session and cover the things you want to discuss.

Again. She needs to seek legal advice regarding her inheritance immediately. Not next month or in the new year, I mean next week. Even putting one pound from any part of it into family spending will make it "family assets". Ring fencing her inheritance is extremely important when married to an alcoholic who will eventually drink it away. He's already trying to get his hands on it by wanting to move to a house with a driveway - and OP, is he driving over the limit the next morning? You might need to invest in a breathalyser to use at home if his consumption is a bottle a night. Drink driving - loses job - can't find another/depression - drinks harder - you are trapped and screwed over.

@Artisanshoelace - sort this now. Literally not one penny should go near him/family until you have.

He might want to rehearse his answers so they sound plausible to a therapist. This is why I wouldn't give advance warning. If he knows what topics are going to be under discussion then he can 'get his story straight' first and also knows how and what to minimise so that YOU look like the one with the problem.

But wanting to be able to do this means that he knows there are big problems already.

Presumably the therapist isn’t supposed to tell you whether or not to sell a property?

I would suggest to DH that you want to discuss better ways of communication & decision making so, for example, you can decide together how household tasks should be split. In further sessions you want to move on to be able to have calm discussions about future financial plans.

Don’t make a list. You already know he’ll react badly to anything you write down and he’ll use it as way to manipulate his responses in the session. He’ll also use it as a stick to beat you with if you deviate from the list (which is highly likely in therapy) and suddenly all the focus will be “well you said therapy was about this and now you’re saying it’s about that so you’ve lied”

Frankly in your position I would go therapy on my own for a while and get your own head straight first.

Don’t waste your time and money on couples therapy - this won’t deal with the alcohol issue. This needs to be addressed before you try to save your marriage.

His attitude towards the therapy, his demands that you provide a list, the fact that he's clearly an alcoholic, plus the fact that you're considering lying to him about the list or pretending it's advised not to discuss in advance what you're planning to bring up, the fact that you're half-planning an exit strategy... Tbh all of this indicates to me that splitting is a foregone conclusion and therapy will be antagonistic, painful and pointless.

Make a list but the only thing on the list should be "When i bring up our issues you shout and dismisss me"

Therapy is only helpful when you're both open to it, he wants a list then he'll refuse to go if you mention his drinking Op. He hides it from your DC, he certainly won't want to admit it too a stranger. All your problems start with his drinking, unless he'll admit that he drinks too much it will get worse. Don't sell that flat, it's your emergency bolthole if things get worse, he probably knows that which is why he wants you to sell.

You are in a controlling abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
He wants your inheritance to go into a marital asset to prevent you from having any options to leave.
He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.
His wanting a list is just more control.

I think YOU need more therapy to figure out your future and admitting the truth to yourself.
As for your children not knowing EXACTLY what is going on, please!

Your children know what is going on.
You cannot cover that up.

He uses anger to shut you down.
You have yourself bent out of shape walking on eggshells trying not to upset him.

Therapy is NEVER recommended when abuse is a factor in a relationship, and you are 100% being abused.

Far better you look at seeing a divorce solicitor and get legal advice.

You should start by asking him to leave the family home due to his abuse and drinking.

You cannot save this marriage.
His priority is drink, controlling and dominating you and the home, limiting your options.

Your priority should be protecting your children and getting him out of a home where his abuse and drinking dominates the whole family.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.

On that basis, if he won't confront his drinking issue, then the sad truth is the Op might best to get of the marriage contract whilst he is still functional enough to work and financially provide for himself.

You're much better off going for individual counselling. Not couples.

But see a solicitor first to find out ALL your options.

Your list could be something like:

• alcohol and its effects on our marriage
• lack of agreement on future plans
• controlling behaviour

Then you get away from writing any detail, or examples, and it sounds like those topics are what you'd like to discuss

Im not sure. He might be very scared of what you plan to say, to the point that he can't cooperate with the counselling process. Eg he might think you are wanting to divorce now. Could you say that you want to talk about his drinking and also the fact that you have a conflict going on about the question of moving house and selling the inherited property? It doesn't sound that bad.

I'm pretty sure that the inherited house is now a marital asset, but I do not have a legal background or infallible knowledge. Do any posters have de facto knowledge of this? This would be more helpful to the OP.

If the inherited house does turn out to be a matrimonial asset and you have kids, you need to accept that it now gets included in the 50% start point for splitting assets in a divorce. One way to get round this might be to sell it and put the money in trust for your children.

If you don't have kids, I think the quicker you divorce him, the better: I am pretty sure that when you have been married for less time without children, you get to keep more of your own contribution to the matrimonial assets.

You really need clarification on this in order to proceed in a way that minimises his share.

TBH, the inherited house is now taking a key role in your decision whether to stay or leave, which could be good, if he's a shit husband and you need the kick up the arse to leave him, or it could be bad, if the house precipitates you exiting a marriage which could be salvaged.

I personally think (and you don't need to agree) that the biggest problem here is that your husband is an alcoholic and needs to address this. If he can stop drinking, you will have a better picture of how desirable he is as a life partner.

You think you might want a refuge from your husband? What is this all about? Haven't read the thread but this is probably the heart of the problem

That’s not really true - inheritance has somewhat a special status as long as it is kept seperate and not used to support the lifestyle of the married couple / not necessary for their needs. Absolutely a lawyer can advise on the best way to keep that the case.

Just tried raising the points with him indicating what I'd like to discuss in therapy and he got angry and defensive switching the blame on to me...i.e. he doesn't drink too much because he is able to function in a good job, never drink drives...attacked me by saying that I drink too (every 3 weeks I have maybe a bottle of wine over a weekend because I feel the need to be social with him...for clarity I do enjoy this..he isn't forcing me to do drink but it feels less lonely to join in).

He's now saying therapy is a waste of money , that the therapist will 'be on my side' because shes a woman and he's refusing to go. I got the feeling he only wanted this list in advance so he could attack me for it and he knew full well what I wanted to talk about in therapy.

He is a very lovely man most of the time and in many areas very kind... but I'm feel some of that might be due to the fact I have rarely stood up for myself and have bent my life very much to align with his lifestyle.

I’m sorry op. Yanbu but you can’t make him go if he won’t engage.

What you can do is decide if it’s a deal breaker (the two issues together sure would be for me) and maybe even have some individual therapy to work through that and get your thoughts clear, and ultimately I’d be telling him it’s try couples therapy or bye.

Please be aware many couples do part after therapy, but generally are clearer and able to get closure on why that is the best decision.