Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

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At a dance show with my youngest who is 10. She danced in front of 100 plus people. She’s very self concious and shy and did brilliantly. As we were clapping while she came off stage my mum said…. “Her figure is lovely, compared to what she used to be like”. Nothing about the dance…. Discuss 🙏🏻

I'm not sure how much discussion you'll be able to get out of this but was it just a crass clumsy way of saying she's lost weight and looks better for it?

No not appropriate and just the sort of thing my Mum would say. I haven’t worked out how to tell her, but she’s in her 80s and I don’t think I’m going to change her so have given up.

Has your DM ever made a comment in front of your DD about her weight? If so, it's no wonder she is self conscious. It's sad when someone feels it's acceptable to comment on a young child's body, but I agree with PP, it could have been a clumsily delivered compliment about her weight loss (assuming she was overweight previously). I would have been miffed if that was her only comment, and she had nothing positive to say about DD's performance. What did you say in response OP?

I don’t want to reply to anything when someone tell me to ‘discuss’.

But you have replied. Just not helpfully.

Ha same. It makes me feel like I am at school and irritates me!

Why the instruction to discuss? We're not your pupils

Without knowing your mum or the full background and context who can say, I imagine it's not an isolated incident

She has tried to say it to her before but I’ve always shut it down so she doesn’t hear.
Not overweight at all. She was a really chunky baby, all the rolls and has been super slim since she could walk really.
It turned into a row 😬

Now you’re still all in discussion, just not about the actual topic. Don’t be so boring.

I agree with this. Sounds like mum was being innocent and the op is just argumentive.

Ok jeez 🙄. I put a little pray emoji as in a ‘please can someone talk me through this”. Consider me told off, won’t do it again.

This is the kind of shit my eating-disordered mother comes out with and it drives me mad. Talking about a young girl’s “figure” is completely inappropriate and unhelpful.

I always think it’s best not to comment on a person’s weight. Your mum should have praised her dance not her looks. It’s so sensitive.

Who the fuck says this about a 10 year old

Yanbu OP, especially as she didnt even comment on the dancing which is what she was there to watch

I really think this was a totally unnecessary comment for your DM to make.
She sounds like my aunt who prefaces the first mention of someone with a comment on their weight/figure. Very “Mean Girls” in my opinion

Thank you. There was no comment at all on her dancing, or her costume, or the other dancers - that was literally the only thing she said.
I think previous posters are right when they’ve said she was trying to compliment her but she hasn’t been overweight for 9 years because she was a baby.

Your mum’s comment was a dig and OOO

My late mum was brilliant in the main but tact wasn’t in her strong points. She criticised one of my elder nieces’ weight to me and having been the recipient of many of her “helpful” comments, I warned her off her saying anything similar to my pubescent youngest niece. If I heard Mum said anything like that in my younger niece’s presence, I told her I would not be responsible for my reaction. She took my advice and kept her unkind comments to herself

It can be a lovely compliment regarding her build.
Yes parents grandparents etc have always commented on children’s appearance. It’s not a sin to say and think that a child is growing up to have a nice stature. Boys tall broad shoulders, athletic build etc Girls as well nice proportions graceful lovely hair etc etc etc.
This generational faux outrage over comments like this is weird.

That’s lovely of you to protect your niece like that. I pulled her up on it and it turned into a row so not sure she’ll heed it as well as your Mum did!

How old is your mum? She's obviously of an opinion that, for a woman, thinness is currency - which it was at some point (well and still is according to some discussions on here). Women having no agency and needing a man etc which I assume would be easier if you were slim and attractive.

My daughter has had from grandma - men are better teachers and boys are better at maths. She's predicted to get a 9 in GCSE (which grandma doesn't know but why let the facts get in the way of a good cliche). Mine is 83 though and not the brightest button with a bit of a personality disorder thrown in.

It will just be reflexive the comment, it will be out of her mouth and she won't see the issue - it's a compliment she will think. I am not saying it's right of course, the fact that she didn't even comment on the event itself is bonkers. Did she do so when talking to your daughter as I suppose that is the important thing.

I wouldn't get cross I would question her - why is that important, why are you commenting on a childs body - she will get huffy probably and think you are being highly unreasonable and "I can't say anything" and she will still think the stuff but will probably stop saying it. Which is what you want - well what you want is to not have her say it in the first place but that ship has sailed.

But would you not agree that when performing a dance, that she’s worked on for months and overcome lots of shyness to perform, something else positive could be mentioned instead of her appearance? Surely that’s the least interesting thing about it?

No, not appropriate - focusing on her figure and appearance rather than her talent, effort, perseverance etc. is shit, and the kind of thing that can lead to disordered eating and an unhealthy relationship with exercise if it's heard too much.

Some women just can't seem to help themselves. My mother and MIL are both the same - they're both lovely people in other respects but they comment on other women's weight and appearance as easily as they breathe, without it even occurring to them not to. Both of them prioritise thinness over any other attribute, and both of them assume thinness = goodness.

I've had to speak to them both about it since I have daughters. I'll never change their attitudes, they're too entrenched, but my husband and I have had earnest conversations with them about how comments on weight, bodies, appetites, portions etc. around our daughters won't be tolerated, and they are both pretty good at sticking to that rule.

If she’s never been fat since a tiny baby what did your mother mean?

maybe she was very skinny and has filled out a little and looks strong and healthy now? It’s hard to say what she meant.

FWIW I think it’s fine to say fat is fat. Obesity is the most serious health issue we’re facing atm and letting kids get fat (yes by feeding them too much crap) is on the verge of abuse. People need to be accountable and look after their children’s health, not so they look good in a dance costume (which I actually don’t like but that’s just my opinion) but so they have the chance to grow into healthy active adults. It saddens me the amount is overweight kids I see shuffling about.

Everything you said is exactly right and how it got played out. I did snap at her though which of course isn’t ideal and I reacted, hence me now feeling guilt. I said “mum why would you say that!” It later spiralled in to more of a row as is often the way. She told me I’m too sensitive and always on her case.
She’s mid 70’s and pretty sure there’s a personality disorder in there too like you’ve mentioned with yours.

When I watched my children and dgc all I watch is them.
The performance of others means nothing.
Just because you’re seeing signs of emotional maturity through dance doesn’t discount your mom seeing physical maturity.