Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

[clickyteeclick]

At a dance show with my youngest who is 10. She danced in front of 100 plus people. She’s very self concious and shy and did brilliantly. As we were clapping while she came off stage my mum said…. “Her figure is lovely, compared to what she used to be like”. Nothing about the dance…. Discuss 🙏🏻

I would make sure that woman NEVER and I mean NEVER sees my child again!! Comments by relatives - and it only needs to be one - are why I had eating disorders from the age of 8 and nearly died going down to 4 stone when I was a teenager

Yes the same here. Weight and appearance is always mentioned and definitely a level of measure of how good/successful/likeable someone is. Great that they’re sticking to your boundaries that you set though 👏🏻

No idea why people would think this is an acceptable thing to say to a child, especially when they'd just done a brave brilliant thing. OP you protect your child from your mother's comments, it's more important how your daughter feels about herself. My mother is similarly insensitive, e.g. asked me if I had another baby inside me a few days post partum. They do just have to be told not to say things and that it's not appropriate.

My mum is obsessed with my daughter’s weight and appearance. They are both slim and beautiful. Tbh if they weren’t I don’t think she would like them as much. It’s sad and annoying but my mum is appearance obsessed and very judgy about it (she comments on everyone’s weight). Luckily she doesn’t comment in front of the girls. I just ignore her and change the subject.

Ordering MN to 'discuss' is inappropriate.

Does your mother have a history of 'negging' or making negative comments which are often inappropriate rather than having any focus on praise? Was she like this throughout your own childhood? If so, then what you have described would be triggering for most people and that probably why it's taken you back a bit.

That’s exactly what she’s focusing on - the fact she was an overweight baby. She brings it up all the time despite my children being slim, eating very well, being super active and participating in numerous sports. She hyper focused on her baby weight and thinks it’s funny to compare how she is now. Sometimes I play along because yes she was a ‘juicy’ baby and my Mum seems to like to hear the ugly swan type thing but she has no positive praise about anything other than her weight after her dance.

As a 73yr-old Granny, I've learnt that sometimes when I open my mouth stuff comes out that should have stayed in, it's as though filters are disappearing along with birthdays. Some comments should stay as thoughts and this one was definitely one of those - I'd have been mortified once I realised how hurtful the comment had come across (even though it probably didn't start it's journey like that). I suppose you had a row which spoilt the evening and your daughter heard it all? I received a quick lesson from my daughter who pointed out that I must be more tactful - I took it on board and now I'm much more aware of what I say in front of the family (I still let rip with friends and they seem to be immune). I've learnt to think... WAIT (Why Am I Talking) and that gives my mouth time to slam shut if needed. I hope you can sort it out with your mum.

Did she say this in front of your DD? If so, that’s out of order. If not, then I’d not got so het up as to have an argument with her - which presumably also happened in front of your DD thus making the whole thing a much bigger issue for her.

Why on earth would she say that to you?! ❤️ Thank you for your good advice.

and no, @clickyteeclick it is not an appropriate comment to make to anyone let alone a child.

As said in other posts. Just a clumsy attempt at a compliment. I couldn’t be arsed getting worked up about this. I hope the row wasn’t conducted in front of your dd, or made the end of the occasion awkward, because that would have been worse for your dd. I think once over 80 you have to cut someone a bit of slack because their brain doesn’t always connect with their mouth quick enough to stop stuff coming out in a jumbled up way.

My mum too. If she's relaying a story to me about someone it will always include a comment on how they look. If the person is thin, it leads to sympathy and understanding - 'my hair dresser Rachel, you know lovely Rachel, she's just a little slip of a thing. She made a mistake paying her tax and now she's being fined, it's so awful.' If the person is fat, it's more like 'my hairdresser Rachel, you know - she's a big girl, always struggled there. She hasn't paid her tax. So silly, she ought to know better when she runs her own business.'

It's grating in the extreme and fucked me up as a teenager! But at least she's learned to restrain herself around my children.

So sorry this happened to you. I agree it’s so dangerous and can pretty much remember every negative comment said about my body growing up, it stays with you.

Yes 100% all the time. Yes I probably in his sight should have just let it slide as it turned into a bigger argument but it is a trigger for me and I try to shield my daughters from body comments all the time.

Wow. To hear from your perspective is wonderful. And well done for putting in the effort. I wish all grandmas were the same ❤️ Yes it spoilt my night and now we are in the midst of this awkwardness but thankfully my daughter didn’t hear. When she got off stage she asked what did grandma say and I said “she said you were amazing, she couldn’t believe you knew all those steps”.

MN is pretty obsessed with childhood and adult obesity. It's difficult, you should never say it in front of a child, or ever really unless asked. My eldest GD is overweight, she's got a MPA and at 10 has started her periods. It's nice to see the weight coming off, we comment between us. They are self conscious. My GD is slightly olive skinned (mixed heritage from my side), her very pale white friend, says she wants my GDs skin colour, my GD wants one of her friends straight hair, one of her friends loves my GD thick, wavy hair. We can pretend appearances don't matter but they are on everyone's radar, particularly when young. Just make it clear that it never gets said in her earshot and you should have pointedly asked what she thought about her dancing.

I would just continue to make it clear that she should never make these comments to dd but otherwise I would forget about it.

Sorry not sure what you mean. What is the mentioning of watching others referring to? Also commenting an physical maturity sounds a bit odd 🤔

@clickyteeclick why the need to lie? Grandma said you looked lovely.

It’s so common isn’t it? Excellent examples there. So much is focused on good/bad versus slim/overweight!

That’s not what Grandma said? Grandma said you have a lovely figure compared to what it used to be. And that’s not what my daughter would have wanted to hear.

Sounds like something my husbands grandmother would say. To a degree, his mum is similar too but I’ve shot her down enough by now that she knows damn well not to comment on my children’s weight/size. Can’t help herself when it comes to others though!
My youngest is 8 months, a beautiful little girl, in size 9-12 months so slightly over ‘average’ but nothing that sticks out exactly. GMIL ‘oh well it’s okay, she’ll fine down when she starts moving more, she won’t be so large then!’ like wtf. She’s fucking perfect as she is, she’s a BABY. I was raging 😂 everyone always comments on the size of my eldest too (who is a whopper for his age it’s true, but in proportion. Just incredibly tall and broad) and it doesn’t sit well with me, but less offensive I think maybe because it’s a ‘positive’ for a boy. I don’t know. It’s a minefield.

Interesting and valid take. But do we do the same to boys? Perhaps but definitely not as much. I know women in their 70’s/80’s who are still hung up on comments people said about their appearance as a child and it’s a waste of time and energy spending your life hating the way you look or worrying how others perceive how you look.

Total minefield 🤯