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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

121 replies

clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 07:02

At a dance show with my youngest who is 10. She danced in front of 100 plus people. She’s very self concious and shy and did brilliantly. As we were clapping while she came off stage my mum said…. “Her figure is lovely, compared to what she used to be like”. Nothing about the dance…. Discuss 🙏🏻

OP posts:
neonjumper · 09/11/2025 08:18

She bases her worth on her body shape rather than her achievements,talent or resilience.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 09/11/2025 08:19

It’s horrible OP and I would have had a row as well.

Im surprised so many on here think it’s an acceptable way to talk to a 10 year old.

So many women put so much worth on appearance/weight/perceived attractiveness.

My MIL and her mate used to fawn over one of my DDs … who was ‘girly’ and slim. Barely glanced at my other DD who was more of a leggings and t shirt kind of girl and a bit heavier. Used to wind me up no end, they pick up on all this and it’s damaging.

SunnyDolly · 09/11/2025 08:19

She sounds just like my Mum OP so I sympathise. Shes forever banging on about weight. I had two eating disorders in my 20’s (that she still doesn’t believe in!) and sometimes when looking at old photos she’ll go ‘gosh look how slim you were, do you ever miss it?’ 🫠
I have two kids and she’ll often remark on other kids she deems ‘fat’ when we’re out and about, I’m constantly pulling her up on it as I just hate it.
I have no advice as it always becomes a row with us too, but you have my sympathy!

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/11/2025 08:21

Not great. My DM who is in her 80s always finds ways of telling me I'm fat without saying fat. However over the last year, I have lost 5 stone. I see her regularly. She first commented on the weight loss about 2 weeks ago. Is it a generation thing?

Glitchymn1 · 09/11/2025 08:21

CharlotteSometimes1 · 09/11/2025 07:06

No not appropriate and just the sort of thing my Mum would say. I haven’t worked out how to tell her, but she’s in her 80s and I don’t think I’m going to change her so have given up.

Mine too she’s 83.

BloodyBoilingInHere · 09/11/2025 08:24

I think it is a generation thing. My mum absolutely cannot relay any information that involves other humans without making a totally unneccesary negative comment on their weight. Equally, she always provides commentary on how much others eat. My aunts are similar, as are their husbands. Literally had one make me a coffee, not ask how I take it, but hand me a cup of black with no sugar and say "i can tell how you like your coffee from how lovely and trim you are" 🤮

5128gap · 09/11/2025 08:25

She was positive about the thing she noticed most. A lot of people focus on the appearance of girls and women before their skill and talent. It's part of the norms of our society and has been for a very long time. Some of us are trying to change it, but you don't rid people of their habits of a lifetime easily. I'd have just replied 'it's her dancing that matters mum not her figure. What did you think of that?' and similar each time she is appearance focused.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:25

neonjumper · 09/11/2025 08:18

She bases her worth on her body shape rather than her achievements,talent or resilience.

Absolutely

OP posts:
GuestBehind · 09/11/2025 08:26

I honestly don’t know. If my mum says something I don’t agree with, I just tell her on the spot. All this harbouring of resentment and the potential of going NC feels ridiculous.

“Mum, do you mind?”
“Sorry love, didn’t mean it that way.”

And all is fine again.

GehenSieweiter · 09/11/2025 08:26

Is this research for an article?

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:27

MyballsareSandy2015 · 09/11/2025 08:19

It’s horrible OP and I would have had a row as well.

Im surprised so many on here think it’s an acceptable way to talk to a 10 year old.

So many women put so much worth on appearance/weight/perceived attractiveness.

My MIL and her mate used to fawn over one of my DDs … who was ‘girly’ and slim. Barely glanced at my other DD who was more of a leggings and t shirt kind of girl and a bit heavier. Used to wind me up no end, they pick up on all this and it’s damaging.

Thanks for reassuring me. Yes it’s awful on the poor kids. If my daughters ever do become overweight, or dye their hair, or get a tattoo or anything else she deems unacceptable god knows what she’ll say then 😬

OP posts:
MyballsareSandy2015 · 09/11/2025 08:27

I remember my late teen DD going to a family event a couple of days after she had been in hospital and had lost a ridiculous amount of weight …. going from a low BMI to verging on a dangerous one, skeletal. We were very worried about her …. this daft old aunt ran up to her “oh darling you look incredible” FFS 😡

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:28

SunnyDolly · 09/11/2025 08:19

She sounds just like my Mum OP so I sympathise. Shes forever banging on about weight. I had two eating disorders in my 20’s (that she still doesn’t believe in!) and sometimes when looking at old photos she’ll go ‘gosh look how slim you were, do you ever miss it?’ 🫠
I have two kids and she’ll often remark on other kids she deems ‘fat’ when we’re out and about, I’m constantly pulling her up on it as I just hate it.
I have no advice as it always becomes a row with us too, but you have my sympathy!

Oh wow I’m so sorry that happened to you ❤️ By the sounds of it didn’t get the support or care you may have craved from your mum and it can be so triggering. Totally understand x

OP posts:
Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:30

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/11/2025 08:21

Not great. My DM who is in her 80s always finds ways of telling me I'm fat without saying fat. However over the last year, I have lost 5 stone. I see her regularly. She first commented on the weight loss about 2 weeks ago. Is it a generation thing?

My mother-in-law was there too who is in her 80’s and after she finished her dance said “well she mastered that didn’t she. Absolutely fabulous”. So maybe not all can be tarred with the same brush!

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 09/11/2025 08:30

There is definitely a generation of older women who think have a ‘slim figure’ is some sort of moral achievement.

It’s from having internalised misogyny from their post war upbringing. My mother in her 90s still watches the tv and comments on women, not for their journalistic skills or how talented they are, but on their ‘figure’ (hate that word <shudder>) and their ‘feminine’ clothes.

I challenge my mother every time, which is ironic, as it’s her that championed 70s feminism that so inspired me. I guess the internalised cultural stuff is so much harder to root out.

Yanbu to be upset about this on your DD’s behalf. Don’t let old fashioned attitudes ruin the achievement and the pleasure you got from seeing your dd perform. 💐

Paradoes · 09/11/2025 08:30

You were right to pull her up on it. I wouldn't be in a hurry to bring spiteful gran to the next concert.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:31

BloodyBoilingInHere · 09/11/2025 08:24

I think it is a generation thing. My mum absolutely cannot relay any information that involves other humans without making a totally unneccesary negative comment on their weight. Equally, she always provides commentary on how much others eat. My aunts are similar, as are their husbands. Literally had one make me a coffee, not ask how I take it, but hand me a cup of black with no sugar and say "i can tell how you like your coffee from how lovely and trim you are" 🤮

Yes lots of backhanded compliments!

OP posts:
Polly199068 · 09/11/2025 08:31

Generational thing. My mother will value your figure above all else about you. Very sad.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:32

5128gap · 09/11/2025 08:25

She was positive about the thing she noticed most. A lot of people focus on the appearance of girls and women before their skill and talent. It's part of the norms of our society and has been for a very long time. Some of us are trying to change it, but you don't rid people of their habits of a lifetime easily. I'd have just replied 'it's her dancing that matters mum not her figure. What did you think of that?' and similar each time she is appearance focused.

Yes I will definitely reply like that from now on. But I was triggered and reacted 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:33

GuestBehind · 09/11/2025 08:26

I honestly don’t know. If my mum says something I don’t agree with, I just tell her on the spot. All this harbouring of resentment and the potential of going NC feels ridiculous.

“Mum, do you mind?”
“Sorry love, didn’t mean it that way.”

And all is fine again.

Where did I say I’m going non contact with her?

OP posts:
SillyQuail · 09/11/2025 08:33

My grandma often made comments about my body to my mum as I was growing up that were basically a veiled criticism of her parenting and domestic competence, and I developed an eating disorder as a teenager. I was never overweight. I still have a critical inner voice that sounds like my grandma. You were absolutely right to pull your mum up on it and keep pulling her up on it every time it happens. It is never appropriate to comment on a child's 'figure', whether you mean it positively or not.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:34

Screamingabdabz · 09/11/2025 08:30

There is definitely a generation of older women who think have a ‘slim figure’ is some sort of moral achievement.

It’s from having internalised misogyny from their post war upbringing. My mother in her 90s still watches the tv and comments on women, not for their journalistic skills or how talented they are, but on their ‘figure’ (hate that word <shudder>) and their ‘feminine’ clothes.

I challenge my mother every time, which is ironic, as it’s her that championed 70s feminism that so inspired me. I guess the internalised cultural stuff is so much harder to root out.

Yanbu to be upset about this on your DD’s behalf. Don’t let old fashioned attitudes ruin the achievement and the pleasure you got from seeing your dd perform. 💐

Very very wise words. Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:37

SillyQuail · 09/11/2025 08:33

My grandma often made comments about my body to my mum as I was growing up that were basically a veiled criticism of her parenting and domestic competence, and I developed an eating disorder as a teenager. I was never overweight. I still have a critical inner voice that sounds like my grandma. You were absolutely right to pull your mum up on it and keep pulling her up on it every time it happens. It is never appropriate to comment on a child's 'figure', whether you mean it positively or not.

Sorry to hear that affected your teenage years. I am constantly trying to protect my kids from this in their most formative years so when it comes from within the family it’s even more frustrating. I will definitely follow your advice going forward

OP posts:
landlordhell · 09/11/2025 08:37

SunnyDolly · 09/11/2025 08:19

She sounds just like my Mum OP so I sympathise. Shes forever banging on about weight. I had two eating disorders in my 20’s (that she still doesn’t believe in!) and sometimes when looking at old photos she’ll go ‘gosh look how slim you were, do you ever miss it?’ 🫠
I have two kids and she’ll often remark on other kids she deems ‘fat’ when we’re out and about, I’m constantly pulling her up on it as I just hate it.
I have no advice as it always becomes a row with us too, but you have my sympathy!

Good grief!!! That’s awful.

saraclara · 09/11/2025 08:37

Paradoes · 09/11/2025 08:30

You were right to pull her up on it. I wouldn't be in a hurry to bring spiteful gran to the next concert.

Spiteful?