Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

[clickyteeclick]

At a dance show with my youngest who is 10. She danced in front of 100 plus people. She’s very self concious and shy and did brilliantly. As we were clapping while she came off stage my mum said…. “Her figure is lovely, compared to what she used to be like”. Nothing about the dance…. Discuss 🙏🏻

Definitely not appropriate. My DF(85) is a bit like that. He has a beer belly on a slim body but at a recent family event he commented to me that my niece( his grand-daughter) was ‘carrying a lot of weight’. I said ‘Well I might say the same about you and you haven’t even had any babies!’ That shut him up.

Brilliant! 🙌🏼

Are you sure she didn’t say figure in the technical way? Saying how much her dance technique has improved.

Well I doubt considering the argument that followed, that wasn’t her defence. You’d say technique/ ability/ grace.

A lovely positive take but a definite no I’m afraid!

That’s small fry to the stuff my mil comes out with regularly! She’s from a country known for bluntness and is slightly odd anyway. This would be an unremarkable comment for her she’s said way worse! We’ve just had to accept it’s the way she is and isn’t actually personal. Teens actually politely push back now if she over steps.

Dd2 actually said over Christmas dinner “are you trying to fat shame me granny ?” which was hilarious. I don’t usually condone rudeness to older guests but her wittering on about how much the teens ate was outrageous!

Just be blunt and tell her it's extremely rude to comment on someone's body. And you won't put up with any more of these comments. Also give her a taste of her own medicine. 'Well Mother dearest.your appearance has definitely changed over the years'..

Oh what a superstar!! 🌟
Yes my Mum says this stuff all the time “how can you eat all that, what a huge portion, I don’t have an appetite” (but sinks 2 bottles of vino!) or gets offered a piece of cake, has the cake takes one bite then says “don’t know how you eat that it’s so sweet and sugary”.

Why? There is no compulsion to comment.

My MIL would (and does) say the same. She has a terrible, unhealthy attitude to weight. I suspect many women of that generation have eating disorders.

My mother was like this, always noticing and commenting on people's weight. As she got older it got quite embarrassing as she wouldn't necessarily keep her voice down. It was totally counter-productive in my case since if anything it drove me towards comfort eating. Once when she was haranguing me about dieting I told her that the reason I didn't even try at home was because I knew there would be constant loud comments along the lines of "Remember, no chips for Ratafia" or "Should you be eating that?" to say nothing of even closer scrutiny of my body, and I could just do without it. She was quite shocked to be called out and left me alone more, but it didn't stop her obsessing about everyone else who was mildly overweight.

I’m sure you’re right about not tarring all with the same brush. I’m pretty sure my DM is autistic and she says whatever is in her head without thinking about it first. Most of what she says is fine but she quite clearly has a ‘thing’ with weight and tells me,DB and DN
that we are fat.

Best to wait until they are a Woman, and then it is fair game🤔

I think you’re right. I was walking behind a couple of women yesterday. They were in 70s/80s and talking about weight loss jabs. One said ‘ people just need to eat far less, today I fancied an apple but I only allowed myself half.’ 😂😂😂😂

They are the calorie counting, diet cup a soup generation.

I think you were right to have the row.
Her response that you have always been sensitive says so much.

Inappropriate remarks about the bodies of girls and boys are usually at the root of eating disorders. Some can be traced back to early childhood.

I really think you need to have another private word with your mother to make your position crystal clear to her.

If she doesn't respect that, you need to put your children first and step back.

That she would continue to makes remarks after you have been very clear to her about your wishes, would mark her out as toxic.
Do not tolerate it.

No of course that’s not what she is saying at all? But it is definitely more detrimental to say it to a young girl/teenager then they’re not fully developed and are more susceptible to eating disorders.

Thank you so much. After being told my entire life by her that I’m too sensitive I said to her yesterday that perhaps I’m not sensitive but if she didn’t say things to offend people or say things that are rude and inappropriate I wouldn’t be told it all my life.

Thing is we all know so much more these days about our mental health, body image etc that wasn’t given much importance in previous generations and it caused damage. That’s not to say we do t have an obesity epidemic but this fascination with weight , in particular girls’ bodies is just wrong; it lasts a lifetime. I hope your DD didn’t hear her op .

In the context of her age, it’s probably a compliment in her head. My mum is like this too. It doesn’t make it right, but you also probably won’t persuade her that she was wrong to have said it. Don’t invite her next time

My mil says stupid things. When I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, she commented that my bum was getting big!! Just what I needed to hear!

We had a discussion here and came to the conclusion that it may be appropriate or could be inappropriate, depending on one's point of view.

So you don't own any hair products, ever had a professional blow dry, own straighteners? Never plucked your eyebrows, grown/painted your nails? At nearly 60, I am glad I don't get street harrasment, but let's not pretend that appearances don't matter at all. My GCs primary is a lovely school, but in other schools I've heard of overweight boys getting called names. The fat phobia on here isn't born out of concern for health.

But OP's mum didn't comment on her grandaughter's performance, just her body in a way that implied that although her grandaughter is acceptably slim now, she was previously overweight.

When OP's mum watched the dance show, the performance of her own grandaughter meant nothing. So no complimenting her grandaughter at all. I certainly wouldn't invite her again.