AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

I also think it's worrying that you say you really notice when one of the girls is missing each evening. What does that mean? They are age 10-17, surely they are either out doing their own thing with friends/ clubs etc or focussing on their own priorities anyway- homework etc. Perhaps not every night, but for a good proportion. Them not being at home every evening shouldn't be something that is a problem.

As the eldest of 5 let me enlighten you.

Basically the mother (op) parentifies her older daughters by making them look after or provide care for several of the other younger ones, because she's had too many children to cope with on her own and doesn't want to or can not pay for additional help.

Send the kids to help if they want to. Don't worry too much about money rachel reeves will be lifting the 2 kid cap limit soon so you'll be grand.

I can understand you need help with your large family, maybe cut down the times your DDs go to your DSiL by a third. Your DC need time to do their school homework, don’t they, it is their future?
Is it to amuse your sister’s children or to do the actual housework?

She’s taking the piss.

Did she think five kids would be easy?

”Thanks but I’m teaching the girls that their time has value.”

And shes said the ones who help out are 17, 16, 14, 12, 10
So that leaves 4 children under 10 who OP gets help from her other children with. I'm appalled. They must be doing a lot of her parental duties if her house gets chaotic with just one missing

Sounds like you have a lovely family. Only help each other if there’s money in it.

Where is her husband??

Why isn’t your husband helping his sister?

Why are your children the only option?

Why do you both have so many kids?

Another oldest daughter of many checking in to agree.

Your daughters should be focusing on their own schoolwork, hobbies and socialisation. It is not their job to subsidise the reproductive choices of either you or their auntie.

If they want to go help their aunt during this medically complex episode, that's to their credit. But between times they should not be looking after your children or your (considerable, due to the choices you've made) domestic responsibilities for you. Own your choices and woman up.

I've seen my mother twice in the past 16 years, if you want to know how this shakes out when the daughter-housemaids attain autonomy.

SIL isn't much better than OP, she's pregnant with her 5th. I have no issue with large families but everybody here seems to view these children as unpaid helpers/childcare. Are there no adults who can do it? I say this as a child who was regularly farmed out to 'help out with other people's children'.

No I do agree with you it's very nice if they want to continue and they absolutely shouldn't be stopped if that's what they want. People are talking as though you should never pay kids in your family for babysitting though and I think if you can afford it you absolutely should. It's a great way for kids to earn a bit of money and learn working values etc.

I think you all need to use contraception.

If she can't cope being pregnant with 4 kids, then that's on her. But she's not my SIL, so deciding if your kids - how many? - can help or not. Family shouldn't pay each other to help BTW.

Are you the old woman who lived in a shoe?

It’s not like she just ‘can’t cope’, she’s had medical complications and been told to take it easy. Not the same as just being lazy is it

My tbh there’s quite a few cultures where it’s the norm. I see quite a lot of large broods and double buggy’s being pushed by 10 year olds with toddlers following along on a scooter having gone to the shops for a parent.

not nice to see at all

I think if you have 9 children and surviving good luck to you. I have known people who work who have large families and don't live a glorious consumer life but are comfortable. I feel you are being piled on here. Young girls will learn they have to do things for free all of the time and won't develop confidence and be subservient to the needs of others. If your sister has helped you out a lot in the past then she needs hands on help.....cook her food or go to hers and give her some help for a few hours. Buying her a meal out is not the same as returning the favour.

She’s family, your dc want to help her- why don’t you?

You are pimping out your daughters.

She helped you out... Your daughter going over is not you returning the help. It's not you helping, you're not helping at all.
Also, it's very sad that you really notice the difference on the chaos when they're not home. Poor kids.

Yikes, I thought it was all sounding okay until you said your daughters are happy to go even without payment but you yourself find it more difficult when the eldest aren’t home. This makes it sound like you’ve been weighing up how much their (unpaid) labour is worth to you. Just let them decide what they want to do, surely.

Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?

just let them go anyway, you didn't pay SIL when she was a teen and as you said paid in other ways - maybe SIL will see her nieces alright in other ways at a later stage

Op said she only has one boy who is 3…I’m guessing he is the youngest so they kept trying until they got the boy

I think your SIL muddied the waters by saying "happy to pay" when she in fact could not pay. But if the girls want to help and don't mind the pay stopping then I'd let them as long as you don't think they're being overworked or exploited. If their going is causing you time and energy - organizing the rotation, getting them, ready, advising them on any problems, perhaps taking them back and forth - pass all of that to your husband.

So many people want a "village" but don't want to be a "village."

Well you are guessing wrong , it says in the OP they have a 3 month old

Her original post said her youngest was 3 months old and then later on in the thread she said she had a 3 year old son so I don't think your theory is correct