AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

I think you all should stop having children if you need them to earn money and chip in .
Also they should be doing homework/activities. Not babysitting or whatever it is they do.
All sounds very money grabbing and not in the best interest of any of the children .
Send your dh round to help!

If I was pregnant and not well, I would be unbelievably hurt if my sister asked me to pay her kids for helping out! Not to mention that this is likely to hurt your relationship forever. Also, it’s sending a terrible message to your kids about kindness and doing the right thing. Awful!

By your own admission you have several days older children who are very responsible. Your sister shouldn't have even had to ask for help.
Given that you have more than one who is adequate at helping you with your children, how can you not manage without one of them?
You come across as very self centred.
Regardless of whether you think you repair your sister when she was younger, she helped you without expecting a penny from you let alone setting a formally agreed wage.
Where's your husband and why isn't he helping you and the kids out?
Why are you struggling to manage them and to pay for stuff.

And then people gripe that women’s work isn’t valued.

Because clearly even at a young age they will be pressured and guilted into providing unpaid caregiving labour.

How far away do they live? A daily commitment is quite alot, and how long is she expecting this arrangement to last?

Maybe rein back abit so it’s not every day.

(And on other mn threads, the person expecting a daily commitment free of charge would be considered a cf).

As the oldest of seven, this is it, yes.

If you can’t help out your own family with a bit of time on a temporary basis without being paid for it then you are leading a sad lonely life in my opinion.

You are being mean and your daughters should be able to decide for themselves.

Yet another oldest daughter here, this time six children… three boys and three girls. Boys were not allowed to do any chores (it’s emasculating) and my two sisters were 7/9 years younger than me. On a Saturday (from age of about 12) I was expected to do a weeks wash, including bedding, for eight people. We had a twin tub, no tumble drier in those days. Had to wash/clean up after dinner every night. Also expected to babysit most nights while parents swan off to pub/bingo. I learned a lot. Two children of my own, who enjoyed a carefree childhood where the only expectation was to do well in school and they did. I was extremely jealous of friends who did not have my life.

If the girls want to go then I’d let them. But I don’t totally agree with those saying that you should help for free because it’s family and she has helped you in the past - yes that applies to you, I don’t think it necessarily applies to pre-teen and teenage daughters who will have lots of other stuff going on in their free time like school work, socialising and hobbies. And the bottom line is that she did offer to pay so that was the original agreement.

It would be absolutely unreasonable to ask MIL to get involved as it’s nothing to do with her, and your SIL might be quite embarrassed if you did that.

The poster known as @broodymamma. They may be a blended family. Or not.

Me too. This all seems v odd to me!

I see it started out as: “Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay."

Then suddenly it was two weeks later ... I'd leave it up to your own children to decide if they want to do it.

Very similar to me. I did terribly in school because I always had children to look after. My siblings have very different lives to me.

Do you pay your older children if they look after their younger siblings OP? You may want to consider it - recognize their labour.

So unreasonable. I can't believe you fixed an hourly rate for the children. Incredible. Surely this isn't real

I think it’s important to help family out and to instil this sense of duty in your children (within reason). It sounds like you have done this OP as they are willing to help out for no pay, so hats off.

Gosh, you're mean.

If the girls want to help, you should let them. Having close family who helps you and you can help out is really lovely.

"The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening."

What does this mean? In a good way, as in with one of yours out of the house it's a bit calmer at your place? If so, why wouldn't you let them help for as long as they want if it benefits everyone?

Or in a bad way, as in if your older girls are helping your SIL out they aren't available to help you with your younger kids for free? If so you should even more let them help SIL, or just go out with their own friends/do their own thing, rather than unpaid nannying every evening for anyone, poor kids!

Missing the point of the thread, but quite impressed aghast that someone who has 9 kids, the youngest of whom is 3 months old, has broodymamma for a username.

My SIL helped us out loads with childcare with my oldest (she was also 16 when oldest was born) To be honest she was an absolute godsend with both of us working minimum wage, part time jobs where the shifts changed every week and we couldn't afford full time childcare.

She has a child now and I wouldn't dream of asking for payment for providing childcare, we owe her so much.

This

We need the 😂 reaction back for this response

I did raise an eyebrow at the OPs username, it's definitely giving Sue Radford vibes

Some parts of Eastern Europe, no matter the size of the family.

I recall visiting family on my dad's side and Mum observing "The boys are treated like kings; the girls are trained to do all the work."