AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

Yes. I’m also completely baffled.

This is lady with some very bizarre postings.

she says she left school at 5 in the UK.

used to have a cleaner for 4 hours a day.

husband left school at 11.

I was thinking the same thing. It’s probably a nice break from their home life as unpaid skivvies.

That doesn't surprise me!

This thread seemed a bit off to me

OP … you are Fagin, I claim my £10

I don't normally search posters previous threads, but blimey.

It's no wonder she has so many children. She will never have attended a biology lesson.

If the older kids WANT to keep helping out thier aunt without payment it's pretty obvious they are being treated better there than at home.

If Op can't cope with her brood for a whole evening without all the older kids doing something then she needs to learn how to organise her household.
Why is there no mention of her DH doing his share in the evening

Equally why is there no mention of SIL’s husband helping her?

And the dc may be happy to help out because they don’t know when too much is being asked if them.

Sounds like she didn't expect you to set the 'wages' like that! Why didn't you let SIL decide what to pay? Sounds mean to treat it like a business transaction. £25 per week may be far more than she planned to offer! She may have wanted some casual ad hoc help rather than you setting the hours and pay.

I would encourage your girls to keep helping out when they can. Kindness and generosity are far more important traits to nurture! You say your SIL once helped you for free, expecting nothing in return. She's probably hurt that you tried to charge her for your children's time.

It's only an hour or two after school, presumably he is at work still.

They're just picking which household they'd rather do chores and childcare for one evening a week. I really think the poor teenagers can handle a thrilling decision like that.

Back off everyone, can't be easy living in a shoe.

Stop it 😂😂

I need the laughing emoji!

Yep, I know someone with 12. Seriously.

Thinking about it I don’t know anyone with more than 4. Surely this is unusual. Why would anyone want more than 4? Don’t you want your own life?

Really, I know a few very large families.

Especially from other cultures, they're born one after the other.

I know a young woman who was married at 16, not legally, she got married in her garden, she's 22, she has 5 dc, and she's pregnant had a baby every year.

If she can’t afford £25 a week, she certainly can’t afford another kid. She needs to think with her brain, not her crotch.

And no, girls aren’t required to “be kind” by providing free labour.

I think ship sailed several children ago, in both households. They're providing free labour either way. The only decision is whether they do it for mum or auntie.
Selfish parents.

Sincerely hope this isn’t real.
if it is, then you are selfish to refuse to help your sister given her help to you, and frankly abusive in having huge families that you cannot cope with. Your daughters should be out enjoying themselves and having their own lives, not expected to be helping out, whether paid or unpaid.

And this is the sort of thread likely to be picked up by the tabloids , particularly to defend the current benefit cap. If your children follow your lead you will have 81 grandchildren.
where are the men in this?

I didn't set the hours. She asked for 2 hours a day, to which I responded with what I thought was a fair amount an hour for both parties. I considered this may go on for months as she still has a while until she's due and I wanted to keep the kids incentivized to continue helping once the novelty wore off. I asked my Sil if the cost was OK and she responded "should be fine" if she was not comfortable with what it would cost, which is now evident it would have saved a lot of hassle if she had been straight with me in the first place.

I

So why can't your DC just decide for themselves if they'd like to keep helping for free?

You accepted free help, regardless as to what way you dress it up. Now SIL needs help, your charging? But your kids don’t mind doing it for free but you mind because it means your one down for help?

At any point did you consider the impact of having 9 children? Or did you just decide you can delegate work to the older ones? Jeez the kids probably appreciate the break from running around after you and their siblings!

That doesn’t make sense b/c once payment was withdrawn so was the help despite your kids saying they were happy to do it unpaid. You came across aggrieved she expected the help unpaid

This reminds me of what my mil used to say : there’s nought so strange as folk.
can understand you welcoming your girls earning a little for their efforts but to stipulate so much an hour is beyond belief. Your poor SIL needs help and your girls are willing to help. That way SIL could just give what she can afford.