AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

Ask the kids how they feel doing it without pay. If they want to do it, then offer twice a week as you need them at home.

If your girls are still happy to go and help out without pay, it seems spiteful to stop them. Either that or it’s just selfish because you want them to help you instead, but they shouldn’t be obliged to help anyone with their children of an evening.

This

Can't believe you asked for an hourly rate.

Why is your DH doing a job that doesn’t meet the needs of the family? Sounds like he needs to get a second job, or you do. Surely that’s a better option than expecting your SIL to pay your children to hang out with their cousins.

Just help anyway. I can see that you were perhaps incentivised to have your daughters round more than was ideal because they were getting pocket money that your struggling to provide but if having your daughters away is more stressful for you then maybe just reduce how often they go.

And also consider what your daughters actually want to do as well in all of this.

I don't agree with people saying you don't pay kids in the family for babysitting. Of course you should - I pay my nieces for babysitting.
I do however agree with the people saying you shouldn't have nine children. There is no way they're getting enough individual attention and if your house is more chaotic with one gone then they're parentified.

So basically you want your daughters to be your free labour but you aren't happy for them to help your SIL for free despite the fact she has helped you for free.

It's this a reverse? I can't imagine anyone posting this here and thinking that others would support them.

Why is the house chaotic without one of the girls? Why would you stop them going where they want to go unless they are making money there? Why would you expect MIL to pay? So much wrong in your OP that I wonder if it is a wind up.

I'd guess the implication is that they help with care for their younger siblings.

Honestly, I think some people have these dreams of having a huge family and imagine it's going to turn out to be like The Waltons when in fact it just leads to a great big mess all round.
My concern is that you don't appear to be putting the welfare of your kids first but seem to be primarily concerned about the money.
I would be more than happy for one of my kids to help out free of charge as an act of kindness for a family member in need but I certainly wouldn't expect payment especially bearing in mind the support you have also received in the past.
My other worry is that you yourself may have placed unfair demands on your own kids. I am absolutely one for kids helping out around the house and doing chores etc but I also recognise that they need to prioritise homework, sports and downtime after school in their own personal space etc.

I'm sorry if I've missed this - but where is SIL's husband in all of this ?

Hi. No judgement here.

If your kids are happy to help, I'd let them. Maybe on the night of the help, they could eat at SIL so 'payment' becomes the meal? That might help a small bit. Also, if their place is quieter and less chaotic, maybe the older ones could do homework there post them helping? -Obviously only if it suits the kids, you and SIL.

I just think its sad that sil has helped op in the past, but now op's help is nowhere to be seen unless she gets some financial benefits from it

Also, her kids want to help their aunty. That's so lovely of them and if they are happy to do it without payment, then op shouldn't stop them.

If the girls want to I’d let them. At older teens if they had a part time job or babysitting gig the money wouldn’t go to you. If SIL will do them references fir babysitting this could be a good way for them to earn some of their own money.

Cos they’re not picking up the slack at home I assumed

oh to be a girl

I’m guessing they have to help at home with their siblings… for free

This is so disturbing, your children aren't workers to be hired out by you for a price. If they want to help their auntie and considering SIL helped you at a hard time then you should allow them to do what they can.

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

This just doesnt logically make sense...
Can you explain any better?

Irrespective - If your girls want to go let them...it's family..

Nailed it.

It’d be shitty of you to stop them, seriously how selfish do you need to be to do that? She’s pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and struggling and she helped you in the past. You are being really selfish

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening

So in other words If their not helping at her house their helping at yours? Otherwise it would be less chaotic with less people at your house

Both mums are being unreasonable for expecting r asking the older children to help them with other children.

Because the children seem a little parentfied I’m guessing.

I would leave it up to the children- do they want to go and see their cousins? Have fun with their friends? Do homework? clubs? Help with siblings - I kind of feel it is up to them not the op or sil

Because they'll be helping her raise/parent the younger children at her own house. One less pair of hands to help her if one is missing