AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

She helped you out when your kid was in NICU.

Return her generosity.

If I mention it I will be pulled apart so won’t be naming it. No child should become a house maid and second mother while still a child but this culture certainly don’t see it that way.

Presumably because the older kids help with the younger ones.

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

What does this mean, exactly? Does it mean that if your daughters aren't out helping your SIL they are helping out at home? Surely you must have described the situation badly, because, as it stands, your post makes it seem like you want to have either your children's labour at home or a financial benefit from farming that labour out -- even if the children positively want to spend time with their aunt and cousins.

I cannot believe you were thinking of asking the mother-in-law to sponsor payment . Jesus Christ .

I’m struggling to understand how it’s more chaotic to have one of your five older daughters helping your sister in law given you still have one daughter/slave per remaining child at home. What exactly are you doing in all of this?

Id be embarrassed if my DC expected payment for helping out with their younger cousins.

You can private message me.
I don’t live in the UK and genuinely don’t know what culture it could be.
Although now you have me thinking about it …………….

“Dear MIL, I chose to have nine children and I can’t afford them. Now it turns out that SIL can’t afford to give them money either so you need to. That’s right, the nine children I chose to have and am completely responsible for.”

Sounds like everyone has far too many kids

If things are that tight it might be helpful for your 16 and 17 year olds to look for part time jobs.

So basically you sil has been good to you and a help in the past

Now she needs help, you won't give this for free

You use your kids as unpaid labour when they get in from school but are willing to let them go to sil if you can financially benefit from it

Your kids sound lovely that they want to go and help their aunty so yabu saying no

I am the eldest of 10 kids and reading this gives me PTSD. They should not be expected or needed to help you or your SIL. This will not end well for your daughters. It didn't for me.

I also think you are being incredibly grabby considering your SIL helped you, let her repay you daughters in other ways. Or even better, you could both just let your kids be kids! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your children are happy to help for free and you benefited from free help from your SIL in the past.

Reading between the lines, it just sounds like you don't want to lose out on your own free childcare from your older children (why else is it chaotic when they aren't around?).

Voluntarily helping out on a temporary basis is fine. Being expected to help with your siblings permanently is not.

Traveller culture.

Or Mormons.

From the sounds of it, they probably enjoy the break from grafting at home instead . Even though it sounds as if they're being pimped out for labour.

Family helps each other. Let the older bairns decide for themselves.

I wouldn't want my daughters of any age doing regular childcare after school. Secondary school age kids should be studying/doing hobbies/relaxing, not being caregivers whether paid or unpaid (if at all possible - I get that it's not possible for some families). Girls in particular should be encouraged to aspire to more in life than looking after babies.

You have 9 kids and no money, I think you have bigger problems.
and yes your teenagers should help out a family member for free but sounds like you need them at your house otherwise you can’t even manage? Honestly poor girls (do the boys have to help out too)… what a mess on all sides

Because the missing child isn't doing all the stuff op wants them to

This. Can't believe what I have read tbh.

One is more than sufficient for me lol

You have NINE children, can’t afford them, rely on the older ones to help you to care for children they didn’t choose to bring into the world, and charge your family for their labour?

Good god.

Family helps family when there is a need. You are being unreasonable if she can’t afford it.

Your SIL probably expected to offer your children a little pocket money at the end - I doubt she was expecting an hourly rate. Did you even check this with her before you decided what was a suitable rate?

It’s quite unreasonable of you to expect your older children to help with your family but deny them the opportunity to help their aunt when she really needs it!