AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

So essentially you dont want them going to sil to work for free as it stops them working for free in your home....

I can’t believe how many kids you have put together! The mind boggles

You dont charge family by the hour. Your kids want to. She helped you. Its their (your kids) place to say yes or no. They are happy to help she is nice and helped you. I would say 100% let them. Life is short dont put barriers (money) in the way of your kids helping their aunt and cousins. You might need help one day. Dont charge. Its family. Its what you do.

Personally this reads as sad that you miss your girl because they usually help you and instead are helping someone else, surely they are still kids and should have free time instead of helping out and being seen as an additional parent/caring role.
I think the children should get to chose if they'd like to spend time with cousins without payment, seems a little unusual that you get to decide where they are working and what they get paid for it.

Don't think you were asking too much money if your SIL was happy and able to afford it, but doesn't sound like she can. As it is a medical reason she needs to take it easy and your children are happy to do this, then I do think you are being quite selfish. Especially as she helped you when you needed it. Yeah you treated her as and when you could afford and wanted to, but that wasn't the reason she helped you. Her help was unconditional and out of love for her family

How you expect your SIL and your MIL to pay for your kid’s pocket money boggles the mind. When does an adult in your household step up and earn money?

Why not study or find a job yourself OP, what is the hold up?

Irresponsible and/or selfish people.

You are the kids’ mum and know what’s best. Keep them at home. God knows what chores SIL is making them do.

Equally SIL’s DH should step up, instead of relying on the next generation of girls to raise his kids.

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

I take it that means you notice the difference if they're not around to help you with the housework and the younger ones? So it's OK for them to work for you without pay, but not for them to help out their aunt without pay?

It sounds as if she gave you a lot of help when she was younger, and you can't really believe the is adequately covered by asking her and her friends around for the occasional dinner. I also doubt that you took her on holidays out of sheer altruism either, I bet she was expected to help you with the children then also.

Let the children go if they want to. They probably find their aunt's house a lot more peaceful and less stressful than being at home.

She can fuck off. Strip this to its bares bones, she wants them to be her unpaid nannies and housekeepers even though they are children, and you are considering letting your children (who do NOT know what's best for them) to do this.

Ugh.

I hope at least the money THEY earned went to THEM.

Stop using your children as your unpaid domestic labour and child minders, and stop farming them out to others too. They have a right to a childhood free from this shit. Of course they were "delighted" to be little slaves, you're raised them to do just that if they want your approval.

They could maybe go over once a month to help out. That's more than sufficient for children. Let them have a fucking childhood.

This

I suppose if SIL becomes ill or loses the baby through not resting, it’s just collateral damage?

Did you read the OP 😂 They are working hard at home parenting their siblings.

This is an adult problem for you, your husband and your in-laws to sort out.

Your older daughters are surely too busy with homework, hobbies, socialising and the paid work they need to do to pay for extras now and to help them save for university or college or whatever it is they’re going to do to create a stable income for themselves in the future.

Between all of the adults in the family it should be possible to provide some kind of help most nights, whether it’s dropping off a casserole in exchange for some laundry you can do for her or providing supervision for the kids sometimes or whatever,

I think it's normal for children to do chores including some amount of childcare. But in these very large families the older girls often end up doing significant amount of child rearing which isn't fair. I feels like a pattern - the OP's teen sister was expected to help with the OP's children, who are now helping raise their own siblings as well as potentially the cousins. I suspect there is a religious element at play, although asking for money is unusual.

Bloody hell, don’t your older girls have lives of their own to get on with instead of parenting either yours or your SIL’s kids?

You sound like a poor mother that is just using your children for labour, you’re preventing them from socialising with family if family doesn’t pay them; and you’re saying how you need all your kids in your household to “help with the chaos”. It just sounds like your kids aren’t allowed to be kids, it’s just how much chores anyone can get out of them - and it’s free labour for your household but family has to pay. Weird style of parenting

Money and family really don't mix, do they.

It's funny that SIL said she didn't mind paying and now she doesn't want to. Twenty-five pounds a week is great for 10 hours of help. Maybe she's had to tighten her belt a bit.

I was going to say YABU because SIL helped you out so much when you were in need, but of course it's your kids helping and not you, so that doesn't make sense.

I apologise if this sounds a bit mad given that you have 9, but would you have any time to help her? You did say that your older kids are very responsible. Maybe one of them could help with dinner and stuff for one or two nights, or your DH could. Or maybe your girls could do five paid hours and you could do a bit free, as she helped you years ago. Perhaps SIL would be better able to afford 12.50 a week.

I really hope you're no longer broody, if one child leaving to go anywhere at all, for whatever reason, result in the whole structure falling apart.

That is such an unreasonable level of responsibility for them, that I can't even get to the other unreasonable behaviour 😕.

Maybe OP can go over and help since she leaves her kids to run her house anyway.

Whatever happens it is one hundred percent NOT the fault of the slave labour children. At all.

Nothing indicates that the chores are any more onerous than the chores they get at home?

They’re keen to go.

What made you think “hid knows what chores the SIL is making them do”, she’s been told to rest for medical reasons, not because she’s being lazy.

They're not her slaves. They're not their mother's property to be farmed out. They are children who deserve a childhood. None of the responsibility for Sils household or OPs household rests with them.

All abused children defend their abusive parents, to begin with.

Op is an abusive parent.

I also hope this isn’t real.

There seem to be a lot of young girls on your family who are used to care for younger siblings/cousins/nieces & nephews. Then they go in to have lots of kids.

are you prioritizing your daughters’ education? some of them will be in big exam years this year. do they know there are other options that having lots and lots of children?

As OP has to give her kids pocket money, and has 9 kids, don’t you think that money would be better spent giving pocket money to her kids in exchange for light chores rather than having to send unpaid help to SIL?

She can’t afford to give her DCs pocket money,
not sure of the relevance to your pre ious post either.