AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

This!

Why do you all keep having so many kids? <misses point>

I have mixed views here. Whilst helping out family for free is nice, the sil sounds a bit manipulative. Why offer payment in the first place if she didn't intend to pay? It's unfair to tell kids they are going to get pocket money, let them do it for two weeks, and then start the emotional blackmail about cousins missing them when they don't come. She should have been upfront about asking for a favour in the first place. And unlike others who are horrified by charging family, I don't think it's uncommon for an uncle or aunt to offer pocket money for babysitting to a teen (not to a 10 year old through!!)

However, it sounds like op dictated the cost, rather than asking her what she was thinking of paying, and while it sounds very reasonable per day, £100 a month is a lot of money for someone with 4 kids, especially when what she is getting for that is sometimes a 10 year old so presumably a limit on what they can help with / how much supervision they need. And it may also sting when she helped op for free when she was that age. (I know the op says shd have her holidays, supper but if op had 2 kids under 2 I assuming those came with a fair bit of childcare helping)

I think the op needs to give the kids a choice about whether they want to do it (a genuine one where it is clear they can say yes or no without judgement and dictate how often/ when if they do want to do it). The op shouldn't be deciding based on her own wish to have them home helping her or her own household income - it was their pocket money. I get keeping track of everyone in a family of 9 must be a pain, but it's important the older ones get to do their own things (not just this) and aren't responsible for their sibling all the time. As for getting supper ready etc, surely if you are feeding everyone else you just keep their portion back for reheating? And if they are useful enough to have existed your sil to pay for their help, they should be able to sort any reheating etc themselves.

One family has 9 and the other is on her 5th child, with what sounds like a high risk pregnancy. This is one of those things where you need to be responsible/accountable for the choices you make. Ten year olds should not be relied on for providing regular support for another family.

Jesus christ. How about... Stop breeding?

And secondly, good lesson for the kids: you always help family! Until they can't afford to pay you..

Look forward to when they charge you in your old age.

It's just so awful, 9 kids, oldest are unpaid labour at home, no income stream, considering extorting the MIL, what have I just read. If this is someone's 'culture', I'm so glad not to have any part in it.

Alternatively, I'm so sick and tired of woke people tiptoeing about every medieval practice , and calling plainly harmful and abusive shit 'their culture'. It's not culture, it's madness, downright criminal in some cases.

presumably your SIL had a partner who can patent his own kids without needing the nieces to act as skivvies?

17 year olds that want to help their aunt?

Why aren't your sons taking their turn?

And does a woman with health issues not feel that 4 kids is enough?

It all sounds a bit mad tbh. But if your kids are old enough to be babysitters, they're old enough to decide for themselves what they will or won't do (and, if they're going to be paid, what they'll accept), so just stay out if it and leave them to communicate with her directly.

I think the oldest ones should be able to choose if they want to pop over to their aunt just in general, and it would be kind if they wanted to help out. If they're not being paid then it's not an obligation to go every day but just a kind thing if they want to pop round.

I probably wouldn't have sent a 10 year old to help in the first place, money or not.

Did the OP tell her sister in law that in the future she’d repay her via holidays? I doubt it. And it isn’t the OP that’s helping the sister in law. It’s her teenage children. Just like the sister in law was a teenager when she helped the OP.

I imagine it's a bit of a relief for OPs children to help out in the household with 4 children than the one with 9.

I got the impression op only has daughters to be fair

Youngest is a boy. So 8 girls before him.

Fuck me if this is real it sounds like an absolute shit show. It sounds as though both you and your sister have had so many kids you can’t manage without your elder children helping out. This isn’t normal.

It also sounds like you’re bouncing about just above the poverty line if neither of you can afford to pay/ lose the £25. How are you planning on getting all these kids through uni?

To answer the direct question, I would still ask my daughters to help out in the short term, for free, if they are happy to do so. Longer term I think you and your sister need to assess your finances and make some adult decisions.

Is the op posting from the 1800s?

My bet is because they’re working for free for OP, as she has 9 children. Poor kids.

You pay your teenagers, it's your turn to pay back the favour.
I definitely helped siblings too much with their children, before I had my own children, the favour was returned either.

I just read another of OPs threads (where she was also accused of being a troll) and if this is true, I'm making the assumption she's from an orthodox Jewish background. I recently came across an OJ women's forum and paying young girls (or BAME women) to help/babysit seems to be quite common, as the mothers have a lot of children and need cheap help. I could be completely wrong of course, but just because family size/way of life is strange to our own personal ideas, it doesn't necessarily mean that there are people who do not operate in such ways.

Same. It was okay when OP needed help.

Well you can stop helping her but then do not ever ask her for a favour in future. If I was in her position I’d remember this and never do anything for you again.

I think YABU. Your sister has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She helped you when you needed it. She's been upfront and said she can no longer afford to pay your kids for help. (Although I don't like the manipulating messages about her kids missing their cousins.) Your kids have said they want to keep helping for free. You're all family who get on with each other. Why wouldn't you allow your kids to help?

I'm also not sure why your house is more chaotic when 1 of 9 children is absent for a few hours in the evening? Whatever you're making for dinner, just set aside a portion for them and they can eat it when they get home. Or you could always ask your SIL if whichever of your children is helping could eat dinner with them that night.

No it doesn’t. If you read OP’s posts, the inference is clear. By her children earning some money, they’d feel less upset about not getting pocket money from OP as they haven’t been able to afford it recently. Makes sense.

Its more chaotic as the OP is down one pair of hands that she relies on.

I would send them round anyway if they dont mind .TBH charging family is a little harsh .She helped you so its time to return the favour surely?Can you make something that can be reheated later for the girls doing the babysitting?

There is a lot of money to be made babysitting, maybe your older girls could advertise locally.
Start earning 5/10 per hour.
I don't want to kick you too, as I understand you're standing up for your children, but you've clearly more than you can afford.
I grew up in a large loving family, opportunities weren't there for us.
You need to find evening work in the meantime. The family can help look after the younger children.
I don't struggle to believe it as I know a few huge families who are financially insecure.
It's common in many families to muck in not just certain cultures.