AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

I read it like this too.
Reminds me of that god awful 22 kids and counting family, having more and more kids for the older ones to look after.

Can you just have them pull back on how long they’re over there? That way she gets a bit of help and the family visit but you get them back earlier to get things back to normal.

You “repaid” her in other ways later when she helped you. Why isn’t she given the same opportunity to do that?!

So then if the money went entirely to them and they are happy to help her and forgo the payment, why is it anything to do with you?!

so between you and your SIL you have 13 children and one more on the way .. can I ask is this for religious beliefs?

This! 👆

I really feel for these DC. They're not staff.or there to help parent anyone's DC, yours or their aunt's.
Yes, I'm probably projecting, but I'm one of eight siblings. Fortunately, I was one of the youngest. My eldest DSis (it's always a girl) raised me more far than DM, who without her help would have been negligent at best. If you notice a difference in the 'chaos' when one of your elder DCs is missing, then you've abdicated part of your role as a parent to them. It's not their job to parent their siblings.

OP says money is tight. But she still has to find the money elsewhere for pocket money. Why would she compound her situation by sending her DC to do chores at her SIL’s which they could be helping with at home? Or just playing with their siblings?

The relevance to my previous post is that I said OP should keep her children at home. SIL’s idea of what are appropriate chores for the dc may be different to OP’s. People can take advantage, I had an aunt who would have taken a mile if given an inch.

Er, they’re her children? Of course it’s OP’s right to decide where her kids go.

1. the SIL hasn’t offered holidays / meals

2. the situations aren’t the same. SIL didn’t have kids when she helped OP at a certain time, OP is the mum of 9, including a 3 month old!

I would let the kids decide.

Your poor DC! It is not your older childrens responsibility to look after your younger ones. Why do you keep having children you can’t seem to afford financially?! Would love to know MILs reaction when you ask her to pay! What an absolute circus

Charging family in their time of need isn’t the right thing to do.

I came from a big family and we used to help round the house when we were old enough, it was expected and my mum was expecting, but we never was asked to help anyone else, but nither of my mum and dad's family helped us. Our neighbours were nice though but money never changed hands. I love my remaining family very much and would never charge them for anything. You sound a bit like Fagin.

The whole thing is awful.

I think it's reasonable that she pays the children for helping. If she hired a babysitter or whatever it would cost her a lot more.
OPs children are giving up their free time so it's not unreasonable to expect a small token of appreciation.
A few years ago my DD looked after her cousins while SIL worked (two days a week). BIL was there but working from home and she absolutely got paid.
If SIL didn't want to pay she shouldn't have offered.

Golly, who'd have thought that having nine children would equal a chaotic home. And yet despite being so profoundly fecund, you have no loyalty or empathy when it comes to a family member in need. Instead you bring out the scorebook and ask for money. Shame on you.

@SharpMintUser id struggle to believe this too if I didn’t come from the family that I do 😂
I live in the neighbouring village to my parents and my MIL (3 miles away). They pass my house every time the go to the supermarket. I was pregnant during lockdowns and was put on bed rest with DH stuck abroad as an essential worker. None of them would even drop a few groceries off for me on their way back from the supermarket the few times I was unable to secure a delivery slot 🫠😂 I was paying for the groceries obviously, I wasn’t expecting them for free.

This. It’s unbelievably unreasonable!
And for the love of God, don’t have any more kids.

It was obvious that you meant that your DDs would use this money to treat themselves. I don’t understand how some people read the same post and make up a whole scenario where your girls are handing the money to you. It was very clear (to me at least) that you weren’t taking the money from them.

I think it’s terrible that you use your older kids to support you having such a big family tbh. If you can’t cope without them then that’s on you. If they still want to go and be with your cousins you should let them! I’d never ask a family member for money like this!

9 kids and money is tight? Why on earth did you keep having more kids? And why did you sister? Both of you sound bonkers

Like PPs, I can’t believe that you’re seeing this mainly as a money-making transaction. She’s family and you say she helped you loads when you were struggling with a premature baby.

Surely it's good for OP's kids to get some pocket money, learn that their time has value, practice financial responsibility by saving for a treat etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with them charging for babysitting even if it is a family member. They're not skivvies to be loaned out for free!

You should help out if at all possible.
Don't ask for payment. Send yourself or one of your older children until the medical crisis is over.
Don't involve MIL but do tell MIL why you are helping out as MIL might decide to make a meal each week for SIL, or help out some evenings.
Family should be able to ask for help and give help because they care.