AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

[broodymamma]

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

She helped you for years unpaid and you’re unwilling to do the same in return? Your DC are also happy to do it without the pay and seem to enjoy it (probably a break from the chaos of 8 siblings!) so yeah, YABU.

This was my mother, the daughter who had to look after her younger siblings from a young age. She resented it until the day she died - in fact she seemed to become more bitter about losing her own childhood & adolescence as she got older.

Maybe you should all stop having kids. Nine? Get a hobby.

This

@nomas

I will bite on the bait.

This woman is a user. She’s used her sister in law and her children to look after the family she has. Without it she clearly couldn’t have coped. She notices when on of her slaves are missing a night.

These children formed a close bond with her sister in law - because the sister in law was likely focused on them and paid them attention. The children probably like it over there because there is much less noise and hassle compared to doing work for a woman with nine kids v one with four.

This mother is negligent and a user. She stopped the girls going when her sister in law stopped contributing to her house via laying children’s pocket money.

To reiterate - no 10 years old child should be parentified to do the work of a mother - yet here we have a whole family eco-system dependent on using child labor to exist.

Each of the set of parents should be embarrassed and address the ongoing neglect of their own children.

Genuine answer, "chores" in a mega-family like OP's or like my family of origin are not like chores in a typical family, especially as they're inextricably intertwined with small-child-care. If you haven't experienced life as a child in a family like this, you may not understand how very unreasonable it is to expect children - almost universally girl children - to give up the only childhood and adolescence they will ever have in order to provide unpaid household labour.

My children do chores. But they do age-appropriate chores in a household of four. Their experience is not even in the same universe.

My parents also would have described me as mature and keen to help, btw. This was because, as a child, I didn't have enough experience to recognise that the situation was abusive.

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

Of course having a family of 11 will be chaotic. You knew that when you decided to have so many children. It was your choice, not your children's choice. You have to suck up the consequences of making a rod for your own back.

Yes, your children should help their aunt for free, if they want to. It is only in the short term. It's what families do. However, if they are busy (out socialising, or too busy with school work), then help may not be on hand every day, and that is fine.
Ideally, families all muck in together. My own two muck in with cleaning, cooking, gardening etc - not much, not all the time, but that is normal for families, isn't it?

Uou are being VERY unreasnable. She helped you out for free....yes you gave her other benefits ie a holiday but it wssnt probsbly a holiday if she was helping your children. Give her a chance to give back.

Agree with this.

So you’re relying on your girls to help you? If theyre going to have to play mothers helper I think you should let them choose where to do it.

Sadly I agree with this. And the pocket money is actually the girls’ money, not the ops. It’s not the victorian times. I feel sad for the op but it’s not right on these girls.

Op is taking the money back

I have two and have always wanted a third but worry about the impact on the first two but hate the thought pf the oldest becoming basically slaves 😭

Why would you even want 9 kids? Surely it’s not possible to properly parent that many. Guess university etc for them is out of the question?

I agree that family should help each other out but to a point. It shouldn't be at the detriment to your own children's childhood and furthermore it doesn't actually seem here that your children have been given much choice here in whether they want to help out or not and it's been decided by you and your SIL, that they'll be helping out whether they like it or not.

I don't know what I'm more alarmed to read, that you have you have 9 children you clearly can't afford, that you're charging your SIL for helping her out and also thinking of asking you're MIL to pay up too.

It seems between you and your SIL, you've had far too many children between you both to cope with and neither of you seem able to bring them up without the assistance of your other children. I think it's especially worrying when you say your house is chaotic and you notice when the older kids aren't there.

I also think it's sad to read your 10 and 12 year olds are taking on a parental role, helping out with bed times and meal times. Your children didn't make the choice to be born into a loud and chaotic family and as someone said above they deserve a childhood. Their evenings should be free for them to see friends, rest, play, have downtime or activities. They shouldn't be made to doing bedtimes and supper times and helping out with younger kids that you chose to have.

You would take well to read from the posters here and the impact it's had on them and relationships with their own parents.

I agree with this too. I didn't grow up in a large family (I was one of 3) and my chores growing up were age appropriate ones, helping with the dusting, emptying the dishwasher, keeping my room tidy etc.

It wouldn't as said above be even in the same universe as being one of 9 with young siblings to help out with and a 100 loads of laundry to do.

What are the father's of all these children doing to parent their many, many offspring??

They barely get a mention! Weird

Family should help. Especially as she’s helped you before and she’s practically begging. Since your girls are willing to help and aren’t being forced, let them go. Yes, that means you’re one helper down, but surely that’s manageable!
asking mil to pay them is downright crazy for soooo many reasons.

BUT when I expressed the same view on another thread (family helps and you don’t expect payment), everyone disagreed with me saying family should be paid, so I don’t know why you’re getting such a different reaction. Perhaps due to the circumstance?

This

Blimey. You all need to stop having children - you clearly can't afford.

SIL cannot afford the 'pocket money' you suggested she pay, and you can't afford to give any money for treats, to any of your children.

All sounds rather Dickensian. None of these children will be having a great childhood when everything must be spread so thinly, and they are being massively put upon.

But to answer your OP. Yes YABU.

Yeah. Imagine having kids so the oldest ones could raise the youngest ones. Honestly op, both of you need to stop having kids and exporting the elder ones.

Well I'd have thought the kids would have been paid directly-like extra pocket money.

The kids who want to go, let them. Embrace their willingness to help for intrinsic rewards-because it makes them feel good. This should be nurtured as its so often lost these days.

I don't often comment .

But the madness of this thread sent my judgy pants into a tail spin and I looked for the YABU button to press multiple times .
1 having 9 children - fine your choice if you as the adult have the means to parent all of these children- but reading between the lines you use your children as live in nanny's / housemaids/ parents helpers - siblings should not be defacto parents because of your choice

Charging your sil in her time of need is one of the most mean spirited things I've ever heard of.

Do not have multiple children if you cannot afford them rather than charging out mothers help services so your children can have treats with their pocket money . The 17 year old can have a job. Younger children can help hear and there. I know your not pocketing the money but your gaining by not having to spend on life's little treats for your kids .

It's Christmas soon op help your sister in law out. But also make sure your kids are able to be kids and not skivys.

If they want to help let them. I don’t think you need a rota just if x I’d free on Monday and wants to help she can go round there. She helped you in the past.