Anyone else in office until 6 with long commute and young kids ? How do you do it ?

[opali]

I just started a new job and stupidly assumed that office hours would be 9-5. They’re not. They’re 9:30-6. 3 times a week.

anyway, I’m sure others have this - what do you do with your kiddies ? Mine are 3 and 5.

my last job was 9-5, but I used to leave at around 4:20 to go and get back in time to pick up my kids from after school club, which finishes at 6.

I didn’t really take a lunch break and caught up on whatever anytime anyway, so it didn’t really make any difference or bother anyone.

the new work place seems super office performatory and of course I don’t want to ask in my first week.

even on my work from home days, I don’t think I can pick up my kids. On my office days I don’t get back home until 7:30 pm.

I have a nanny who helps me of course with drop offs and pick ups, but it’s so expensive and now she’s going to have to stay with them until 7:30 on top of the pick ups and drop offs, 3 times a week.

in my last role, I just asked my manager a couple of weeks in and explained I need to leave a bit early to pick up my kids and his response was that he’s in the same boat, so understands and it’s about the total output and catching up if required.

anyway, has anyone else navigated this ? No one else seems to have kids, so I’m not sure they’ll really get it. They know I have kids and need some flexibility with travel for example as they said they needed a lot of travel and we agreed on a bit less for me.

My DM has my youngest (19mo) during the day whilst DH and I work. DH wfh 99% of the time and I only have to go to the office 1-2x per week but it’s 2 hours from me. I do have the joy of flexibility now but I didn’t in my last role.

We have 2 school-aged children. DH picks up the 5yo using his lunch break, the 11yo walks home on her own and then they entertain themselves until 5:30 when he finishes. He then goes and picks up the youngest.

DH is looking for a new job which will definitely be more in office days so we will need to review but it works for us now.

Well we’ve not had this setup before. I actually used to pick them up every day. Nanny would take them to school on my office days, but I would always pick them up. I’ll try and get some flexibility from my employer and if that’s not possible then it is what it is and I’ll need to think about a new job.

I was upfront about how much travel I was able to do and flexibility etc. they’re aware I’m a mum of two young kids. Let’s see how it plays out. I think starting way earlier and not having a long lunch would work very well for me. And there are specifics about my job ( region ) that make sense for me to actually start earlier anyway. That will make sense for them too. And if there are calls to attend later in the day, I can do that even if I’m not in office.

Your options are, one of you finds a job that is more flexible that can work around the children or you pay for the childcare.

Most people I know either have grandparents who do loads of childcare or have one parent work part time or both parents work full time but opposite ends of the day.

Please remember that your children do have two parents. You’re bending over backwards to make your job flexible enough to support the children- have made any effort? Is he honestly out of the house all those hours 5 days per week and if he is, does he genuinely need to be? Is the business worth it if he has to work all of those hours every week? Could he earn the same in an employed job?

That's just waffle. You took a job without considering your children because it's 'normally' ok. That's ridiculous and irresponsible. Would you cross a road without looking because there's normally no traffic? It doesn't help your situation but at least admit you got yourself into this mess.

Your company are perfectly within their rights to not allow flexibility. This is not on them. This is on you and your misplaced sense of entitlement and stupidity.

My husband picked up the slack on the days when I was in the office.

@opali This. Sorry OP, this is on you. Just assuming what the office hours are when going for a job with time critical child care commitments makes no sense at all.
If your employer can't accommodate a change of hours (and why should they?) get another job or suck up paying your sitter. This sort of situation does no favours to women wanting to stay in or return to the workplace after having children.

@Notusualnameobvsomg now I am harming working mothers ?

Your husband needs to help more on the days you are working and I would be talking to work about flexibility if they can't be flexible I would look for another job.

@opali This. Sorry OP, this is on you. Just assuming what the office hours are when going for a job with time critical child care commitments makes no sense at all.
If your employer can't accommodate a change of hours (and why should they?) get another job or suck up paying your sitter. This sort of situation does no favours to women wanting to stay in or return to the workplace after having children.

This, to be honest. How did you not confirm it with your new manager or in your contract?

I just wouldn’t have taken the job. It’s not practical at all. I use breakfast and after school club and have had to put my career on hold and work a different job. I do 8.15-4.45 and my kids do 7.45-5.15 at school with wrap around

your only option here is a nanny or a different job or husband changed his hours

Our breakfast club starts at 7:30 and after school club finishes at 17:30. I don’t know anyone who has a nanny at my DCs school. Most children have one parent doing drop off and one doing pick up, or grandparents who do the school run.

Most parents are working their hours around school hours.

It doesn't sound like the job is suitable.

Could your DH not take them to school in the mornings? At least some days. Sounds like he is working a lot.

Ask for a flexible working plan but if you were one of my staff, I would also be asking what your DH was doing. Your dc have two parents.

In the field I was in when my kids were young, it was very unusual/unheard of to leave at 4:20 so I can see the issue.
How I make it work was one of us did the morning - allowing the other to get in early, say 7am - and the other did the end of the day, getting home in time for pick-up. It was impossible to do both ends as a regular thing.
When you say your DH is self employed and can’t help, that’s not really an answer. Men often say they can’t but are happy to let your stress levels hit the roof.

When I had an office job we had a nanny to do drop off and pick up.

After covid, my job became remote, and DH's became hybrid, so we alternate drop off and pick up between us.

I worked similar hours/ similar commute to you, 5 days a week, and had an after school nanny.

DH got home at 6pm. Started dinner and got them in the bath.

Seeing as your DH is self employed my very first thing I would try in your situation is to work out how HE can be home earlier.

Every couple I know with one employee and one self employed - if it’s the mum self employed she works around the kids because she has the flexibility. If it’s the dad self employed then the employed mum works around the kids because the dad’s income is impacted if he was to work around the kids. In every case. Same goes for sick days etc. Really annoying as an employer.

Of course if his self employment is something that can only be done in the evenings that’s different, and one of the two of you (not necessarily you) is going to have to change your job or you get a flexible working arrangement agreed.

I think DH needs to step up here since he is self employed, between you you can't both be working long hours every day with such young kids. I would ask for an office hours adjustment at work, you are allowed to ask, and see if you can pick up the slack working from home in the evenings? Can your husband do the same? Does he have to be out every single day till 8:30pm?

We're the children planned? What had you discussed between you regarding work/family balance if they were?

You'll only see your little ones to tuck them in bed and weekends at this rate. Xx

It’s not unusual or unheard of in my field at all for parents to leave earlier to pick up kids and make up for it later. Or for parents to get in slightly later because they dropped their kids at school. Like I said, my last manager who was very senior and had kids the same age as mine, did the same.

hence I didn’t think it would be an issue. Same as with my last role tbh. It may be absolutely fine.

it’s more about your output in my industry than keeping up office appearances usually.

What time does your husband leave for work in the morning op? Is he able to support in any way?

If your DH genuinely can’t get home until 8.30 it is really pushing the envelope for you to have a job 90 mins commute away. Even if it was genuinely 9-5 you would still need to have a nanny until 6.30 at earliest. Expecting you would always be able to start and THEN get agreement at a 4.20 finish daily was somewhat unrealistic.

6pm is not, on the grand scheme of things, late and a pretty common end of day in professional roles. It is the fact you have a long commute and are essentially behaving as sole carer for the evening, despite the other parent living there too, that is the real issue.

Personally I would be cautious about asking for too much flex up front if the market is challenging and you don’t know the culture. I perhaps would ask for one of the 3 days to be say 8-4.30 one day (if you can make the morning commute work) and suck up the other two.

The days I work later in the office are the days my husband is WFH. So there is someone in when they get home from school. To be fair, mine are a good bit older than yours and when they were very wee I didn’t work for the same reason- logistically I couldn’t make it work. In those days (pre Covid) my husband was also doing 5 days in the office, and at various points in his career, shifts!

I think you need to ask your new job if there is flexibility. Sometimes it pays to stay in jobs where there is a family friendly culture - at least until they are a bit older.

What does your husband do that he can't get home until 9pm? Does he start late? Surely that's no life at all. I think that's your main issue here. Either your husband is hugely inefficient at work, or he's choosing to stay late to miss out on the stress of family life...

Almost everyone I know who is in this boat with both parents working full time does one of these 3 things (or a combination of all 3):

Grandparent help

Stagger working day so one parent goes in early and and one starts late. WFH helps hugely with this too and many friends stagger their WFH days with their partner for childcare reasons.

Throws money at it and has a full time nanny and/or afterschool club, breakfast club, holiday club, childminder etc

I don’t think it’s possible otherwise!

This job is just not an option for you unless you can afford/are willing to pay for the Nanny.

The only thing you can do is ask them for accomodation, and if they refuse fing another job.

Fyi, my husband has a very strict company policy regarding working hours as well, but they do allow flexible working when a formal request is put in. So it's not impossible they will accommodate yours hours, maybe check around with your co-workers.