Anyone else in office until 6 with long commute and young kids ? How do you do it ?

[opali]

I just started a new job and stupidly assumed that office hours would be 9-5. They’re not. They’re 9:30-6. 3 times a week.

anyway, I’m sure others have this - what do you do with your kiddies ? Mine are 3 and 5.

my last job was 9-5, but I used to leave at around 4:20 to go and get back in time to pick up my kids from after school club, which finishes at 6.

I didn’t really take a lunch break and caught up on whatever anytime anyway, so it didn’t really make any difference or bother anyone.

the new work place seems super office performatory and of course I don’t want to ask in my first week.

even on my work from home days, I don’t think I can pick up my kids. On my office days I don’t get back home until 7:30 pm.

I have a nanny who helps me of course with drop offs and pick ups, but it’s so expensive and now she’s going to have to stay with them until 7:30 on top of the pick ups and drop offs, 3 times a week.

in my last role, I just asked my manager a couple of weeks in and explained I need to leave a bit early to pick up my kids and his response was that he’s in the same boat, so understands and it’s about the total output and catching up if required.

anyway, has anyone else navigated this ? No one else seems to have kids, so I’m not sure they’ll really get it. They know I have kids and need some flexibility with travel for example as they said they needed a lot of travel and we agreed on a bit less for me.

I do mornings, and DH does evenings.

That allows him to start earlier (and do a full day) - and me finish later (and do a full day).

IMO it’s not really sustainable to have two young kids and both work long days / commit to a 90 minute commute. But if you need to do it - spending a lot on a nanny is the only way to make it work.

Everyone pointing out what a fool I am for accepting- it’s actually normal across my industry for people to have a lot of flexibility in their working hours. People work holidays and around the clock, it’s usually never a question of how present you are in the office. If you are doing your job well, no one cares. Also, it worked in my last role and has always worked for me before.

it’s probably going to work here as well, when I bring it up. Secondly, I never chose to leave my last job. And also, I wasn’t finding a new job easily. The job market is brutal and I needed to take something. We did talk about flexibility. I’ll just need to bite the bullet and if it’s that much of a problem for them, it’s not the job for me. But prospects are bleak out there, so I took it.

it’s very unusual in my industry for this to be an issue, it has never been in the past- and I don’t just mean my old job. I mean every job I’ve ever had.

We had a creche and after school that opened 7-7 but they were a little flexible- it’s so hard op. I think a nanny is unfortunately the only way.

I do two days a week in the office, 9-5.30. It takes me 45m-1h to get home depending on the buses.
DH starts work early and picks DC up at 4.30 from after school clubs, he sometimes logs in for another hour after work.

If I ever need to leave work early I just log in half an hour early or take a shorter lunch break, in your shoes I would ask if I could start at 9. Is there any reason you finish so late - we have calls to the US a few times a month so they never start earlier than 4pm UK time.

Well, you'll just have to pay someone to collect them and feed them etc

I do a job that’s below the level I could do in terms of responsibility to ensure that I don’t need to work such long hours. Plus I’m just about senior enough that I can I work part time and flex my hours around school needs with a bit of after school club use - it’s not just picking up from school as they get older - it’s helping with homework and attending random school plays / assemblies etc.

We used to both work full time in “career” jobs and realised it just wasn’t working for the kids - we were constantly at work or in the study catching up on hours and the kids were struggling with no one being at things and us never being around in an engaged way in the week,

My job is paid a bit less than other similar roles I could get in other companies but is so flexible that it’s worth it.

I found a childminder who was prepared to work till 7 but they are rare as hens teeth. I think a proper nanny probably is the only option for a family where both parents are working effective 12-13 hour shifts.

So DH does no drop offs and no pick ups?

We’ve always needed to stagger hours so one of us does drop off and one pick up. You really should have asked. I wouldn’t take a job without making sure there was flexibility. We couldn’t manage both of us doing a standard 9-5 in London. When we were both commuting, I tended to do 8-4 so I’d be back for collection by 6.

We’ve done various things. When they were younger both me and my partner did decompressed hours, so we both did 4 days over 5 and each day one of us would leave on time but we took it in turns, so it didn’t fall disproportionately on one person. On the days when my partner was leaving early I would do drop off so he could start early if he wanted to.

But basically if neither of you want to consider working less you need to keep paying the nanny until one of you can work out some flexible working. If your partner is self employed can’t he do it for now, at least a couple of days a week. And if you wfh can you not do it say on a Friday (informally most people in my job stop sending emails at about 4). If your DH picked up on Monday and you did Fridays this would make a difference.

Otherwise, accept it’s an expensive nightmare and be grateful it’s relatively short term (and at least you have a nanny).

Agree with this 👆 Ask if you can start an hour earlier to leave earlier. I used to only have half of my lunch break so I could leave earlier. Is that possible? There's no way j would have done long days while my children were that little. My previous job was like that and I gave it up to be with then, while my husband supported us. Now I'm working again as they're teenagers and independent. My sil always worked long hours (senior manager) and most Saturdays. She used to get back so late her child would be in bed, she'd only see him awake on Sundays. Now her child is a teenager, they have no bond at all now. It's obvious to see, and she knows nothing about him. You want to be there for your children after school.club, so they can talk to you about their day.

Oh and honestly your instinct is right. If the job market is tough I absolutely wouldn’t ask about flexible working now, I’d give it a couple of months. The time to negotiate was when the job offer was made, or alternatively once you’re out of probation and have made a good impression.

Plus this is not just on you- your DH should be pulling his weight too.

Also, left field, but have you considered moving house?

They have childcare… like you do you’ll just have to extend her hours.

why did you take a job an hour away, presumably some benefits or progression or money?

I know some who have their kids in childcare/school close to the office not their home but yours is only 3 days a week so doesn’t sound like that would work

DH works 7am til 5pm. Could you not do something like this?

An awful lot of people work till 6.00 and later eg doctors, nurses and teachers.

I work about 35 hrs per week and my manager is happy for me to flex my hours to suit my needs - both of my boys have SEN.

DH works from home 2 days pw so does drop off those days.

I also have an after school nanny who collects 3 days and does dinner and bath time - I get home around 6 - 6.30.

I couldn’t cope without the flexibility both DH and I have as well as having our nanny, but we are fortunate to earn sufficiently well plus we get DLA for the boys which pays most of her costs.

I wouldn’t take a job without being entirely sure I could manage the hours with the set up I have. I don’t understand how you didn’t know working hours before accepting the role.

You need to make a flexi request to do 8:30-5, or whatever suits, you or your husband need to find a new job, or you continue with the nanny as is. Those are the only options.

DH and I work full time and don’t get home til 6:30 (afterschool club ends at 5, so that’s useless), so we have a nanny. My DH currently does all the drop offs but he will soon be starting a new job 1.5hrs away so kids will go to breakfast club at 7:30 or nanny will drop them off.

I don’t quite get you asking ‘what do people do?’ with such incredulity. If you want or have that kind of job, then that’s what people do.

I wouldn't take a job that wanted those hours, with or without a commute.

I do part time & spread 30 hours over a week which means i can leave earlier to collect my kids.

I’ll just need to bite the bullet and if it’s that much of a problem for them, it’s not the job for me

Is your OH also biting the bullet and asking for some flexibility?

In your situation I would get a nanny 3 days a week. It’s not just the regular late finish, but it provides a bit more flexibility for unexpected delays, a meeting that overruns, transport issues etc. just less stress all round.

I didn’t see what industry you work in. Where I am, it would be a bit restrictive to say ton couldn’t join any meetings or calls on your office days after 4.30pm. That’s pretty early.

An awful lot of people work till 6.00 and later eg doctors, nurses and teachers

Teachers don't work past 6? There are loads in my family and they all seem to leave the school somewhere between 4 & 4.30, and do a bit of marking in evenings or on weekends.

Most hospital doctors i know with kids have a spouse who either doesn't work, works very part time, or has a very flexible job, to facilitate the challenging hours.

A lot of nurses i know work 3 long shifts a week & have a partner who is able to flex around them to solve the childcare pick ups

Aside from logistics and the mess you are in, when do you or your husband see your children? If your nanny takes them to school and you have a 1.5 hour commute (so presuming you must leave the house at 8am) and don’t return until 7.30 and your husband 1-2 hours late a 3 and 5 year old must be going to bed around 7/7.30.

do you not see your children Monday - Friday? What will happen when they want to do clubs/play dates?

I think you and your husband need to sit downs and review your family set up. Someone needs to be available for the kids and it isn’t fair on the children (or you) for this to be a paid for nanny 5/7 days.

you had children, now you need to find a way to be with them. You at least need to be available for pick up at 6 when nursery/after school club finishes

My daughter went to nursery. The one I chose openes 6.3)am to 6.30pm. Then the school I choose has a breakfast club allowed to drop off at 7am and after school club closed at 6.30pm. I worked 7.45am to 5.30pm and then worked from home once my daughter was in bed.

It is so sad for children that young to have such long hours. Reduce your hours, don’t increase theirs.

We didn't have a nanny, or anyone else around for support, so one of us started at 8 and were able to leave at 5pm for pickup and the other started at 9am so was able to do drop offs. Amazed you didn't check before you accepted the job offer.

I had to have a nanny who would stay until 7ish - it was expensive. Both DH and I travelled abroad for work so it was very difficult some weeks.

(Eventually, I gave up my career because I realised I wasn't doing anything well and I wanted to be a SAHM and luckily we could afford it. However I've recently returned to my profession after a 15 year break which I feel very lucky to have done - in no small part because DH was made redundant 18 months ago and still hasn't found anything - the job market IS brutal so well done for getting a new job)