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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

340 replies

Corall · 07/11/2025 22:17

It was a family member. They are married now. It was the 16 year olds first relationship, she had only just turned 16, doing her GCSEs.
I find it off putting, makes me think badly of the man. He’s always been controlling.
But others think it was fine. AIBU to want to avoid him?

OP posts:
Zov · 08/11/2025 12:06

@Corall

Going against the grain here. I would raise my eyebrows a little bit, but 22 and 16 is not a massive age gap, nor is the younger one 'too young.' 16 is the age of consent, and 22 is hardly an old man is it?! (Or old woman!!!)

I know plenty of older people (70+) who got married when she was 19-20, and he was 24-26, (the woman being younger was more common many years ago,) and they started dating at around 16/17, and 20/21. No-one batted an eyelid then, and there's no need to now. No need for all the pearl clutching!

I know a woman right now, who is 35, and she's dating a 19 y.o. 'man.' In fact he's living with her (been living with her since February, and she's only been dating him since last December!) So he moved in almost immediately.

She has been getting her 2 y.o. and 4 y.o. DC to call him 'daddy.' No idea where the 'daddies' are but I have never seen them. But yeah, this 19 y.o. playing daddy, being called daddy, and posting on Facebook about how he worships his little family - with photos of him with the 2 DC (and her too,) all over facebook: now THAT is 'dodgy.' When you look through his facebook photos, you only need to go back to the year before last, to see photos of him at school! She would have been 33 then! 😖

As I said in my last post though, it's got nothing to do with you @Corall, so I don't know why you're so invested in it that you need to start a thread on Mumsnet about it!

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/11/2025 12:07

RubySquid · 08/11/2025 09:42

A man of 22 is often at the same maturity level as a girl a few years younger. It's well known that girls mature faster. My DDs husband is 7 years older than her. He's not controlling in the slightest. They met when she was 18. From what he says about when he was younger if he had also been 18 at the time she wouldn't have been with him due to immature behavior on his part

This is outdated bullcrap. It isnt just a stand-alone ‚well known fact’ that girls mature faster. There are multiple other factors at play. Including the main one that men like to date female children or significantly younger women. It is a fact that expectations on girls behaviour is higher than boys. You can say this is true at 10, 11 early teens as it is due to onset of puberty but boys typically catch up by 16. The frontal part of the brain fully matures around age 24-25 for both sexes, so again men should not be dating children. And one British study found that while ‚emotional maturity’ for men was around 43, it was 32 for women so men still should not be dating children.

This idea that men need to date children, as female children are mature enough is just patriarchal nonsense.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2025 12:09

weericky · 08/11/2025 11:49

So now you are an adult with life experience do you never think ‘WTF’?

How would you feel if your 16 year old brought an almost 30 year old round for tea?

I would be utterly horrified. Weird that you still think it’s ok.

I agree. I can see how as a teenager you might have found this flattering and maybe you muddled along OK but I think if this had happened to me I would be progressively more unsettled by this the older I got.

Has it never crossed your mind to wonder why your husband, aged nearly 30, sought out a child?

arcticpandas · 08/11/2025 12:13

Emmanuel was 16 when he got involved with his 40+ years teacher Brigitte... not saying it's normal..

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2025 12:14

@RubySquid

Why should she be ," knocked up," though. Contraception is available for free in this country you know.

Of course. But its the fact that the man/boy has sought out someone as a partner who he knows to be much more vulnerable, less experienced, less wise and for whom there is so much more at stake.

Of course it works out OK for some people but I would never trust the motives or character of someone who deliberately chose a partner knowing they had far less power in the relationship.

Zov · 08/11/2025 12:17

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2025 12:14

@RubySquid

Why should she be ," knocked up," though. Contraception is available for free in this country you know.

Of course. But its the fact that the man/boy has sought out someone as a partner who he knows to be much more vulnerable, less experienced, less wise and for whom there is so much more at stake.

Of course it works out OK for some people but I would never trust the motives or character of someone who deliberately chose a partner knowing they had far less power in the relationship.

How do you know the 22 y.o. man has purposely sought out a 16 year old female partner? He probably just knows her/met her, and they got on well, and fell for each other. You're making it sound sinister and grubby.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/11/2025 12:19

Zov · 08/11/2025 12:06

@Corall

Going against the grain here. I would raise my eyebrows a little bit, but 22 and 16 is not a massive age gap, nor is the younger one 'too young.' 16 is the age of consent, and 22 is hardly an old man is it?! (Or old woman!!!)

I know plenty of older people (70+) who got married when she was 19-20, and he was 24-26, (the woman being younger was more common many years ago,) and they started dating at around 16/17, and 20/21. No-one batted an eyelid then, and there's no need to now. No need for all the pearl clutching!

I know a woman right now, who is 35, and she's dating a 19 y.o. 'man.' In fact he's living with her (been living with her since February, and she's only been dating him since last December!) So he moved in almost immediately.

She has been getting her 2 y.o. and 4 y.o. DC to call him 'daddy.' No idea where the 'daddies' are but I have never seen them. But yeah, this 19 y.o. playing daddy, being called daddy, and posting on Facebook about how he worships his little family - with photos of him with the 2 DC (and her too,) all over facebook: now THAT is 'dodgy.' When you look through his facebook photos, you only need to go back to the year before last, to see photos of him at school! She would have been 33 then! 😖

As I said in my last post though, it's got nothing to do with you @Corall, so I don't know why you're so invested in it that you need to start a thread on Mumsnet about it!

You dont have an issue with an adult man dating a child. The outcry to that you consider pearl clutching.

But an adult women dating an adult man, that is dodgy.

Zov · 08/11/2025 12:22

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/11/2025 12:19

You dont have an issue with an adult man dating a child. The outcry to that you consider pearl clutching.

But an adult women dating an adult man, that is dodgy.

Age of consent is 16, and in the eyes of the law the 22 year old is doing nothing wrong. You keep on claiming it's grubby and sinister and illegal as much as you like. Doesn't mean it is.

Tireddadplus · 08/11/2025 12:30

I was 24 and DW 18 when we met 20+ years ago. At the time the ages weren’t really a thing. Would they be nowadays I wonder?

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2025 12:31

@Zov

How do you know the 22 y.o. man has purposely sought out a 16 year old female partner? He probably just knows her/met her, and they got on well, and fell for each other. You're making it sound sinister and grubby.

Lets be honest. 22 year old men and 16 year old girls are not in the same orbit. They wouldn’t come into contact with one another outside of a few very limited circumstances. Its a massive loss of face for someone of 22 to hang out with someone that much younger, let alone date them: their peers would mock them. If a 22 year old man is hitting on a teenage girl its almost certainly for one of two reasons:

a) he’s unable to socialise with or attract mates among women his age, which likely means he’s immature or has poor social skills
b) he is deliberately seeking out younger women because he finds them more attractive.

In both scenarios his motives are highly questionable.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/11/2025 12:35

Zov · 08/11/2025 12:22

Age of consent is 16, and in the eyes of the law the 22 year old is doing nothing wrong. You keep on claiming it's grubby and sinister and illegal as much as you like. Doesn't mean it is.

Legal and right are not the same thing. Shouting a man can legally date a child is not the win you think it is. Saying he can have sec with child as it is legal is again not the win you claim.

and where are they socialising that is legal and not grubby?

Fangisnotacoward · 08/11/2025 12:37

I had a 23 year old boyfriend at 15. At the time I thought it was cool that someone older was interested in me. He turned out to be an absolute prick.

When I reached 23 I fully realised how absolutely weird it was to be interested in someone 15 years old at that age.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/11/2025 12:43

Fangisnotacoward · 08/11/2025 12:37

I had a 23 year old boyfriend at 15. At the time I thought it was cool that someone older was interested in me. He turned out to be an absolute prick.

When I reached 23 I fully realised how absolutely weird it was to be interested in someone 15 years old at that age.

Exactly this. I had a “boyfriend” of 18 when I was 16. I thought it made me look grown up and attractive to have pulled an older guy.

In reality he was just immature and scared of women his own age so he wanted someone less threatening, but I couldn’t see that at the time. And that was only a two year difference. This is exactly what these creeps are trading on: a young girl’s excitement about an older boyfriend.

Its pretty cynical and it disgusts me that we have passed it off as normal for so long.

XWKD · 08/11/2025 12:48

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/11/2025 22:49

lol! When I first went round to DH's student house, his mate shouted "DH, there are some kids at the door for you" 😄

Ouch!

merryhouse · 08/11/2025 13:08

I'm not really offering an opinion here (I was one of the prissy teenagers who looked down my nose at the girls with older boyfriends, and my parents started going out when they were 16 and 23...) but I have to take issue with people saying they couldn't possibly meet socially.

I'm in three different hobby groups which theoretically are open to all ages (the particular choir and tower don't have any under-18s at the moment, but both have had in the past, of both sexes). Anyone could start any of the hobbies at almost any age or stage of life, so skill/seniority could go either way (the third group has adult beginners and an assistant leader who's still in 6th form, for example).

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/11/2025 13:28

The below [condensed] article has been making the rounds for years because of exactly the issues PPs are raising. It was written in 2008 for women and girls under the age of 24. Millenials had the advantage of reading this and similar articles and being warned. THIS is why they - especially girls/young women - are deeply suspicious of age-gap relationships. And they are right.

"There doesn’t seem to be a week that passes at Scarleteen where we’re not helping a user who is in some kind of crisis – and often a whopper – with an older male partner : pressured sex or sexual abuse , a pregnancy scare (usually due to the guy having any and every reason why other guys can use condoms, but he’s the great exception to every rule), a newly-acquired STI (again with the condom refusals, sometimes paired with lies about testing and sexual history), an abusive relationship (and often combined with a pregnancy scare, pregnancy or STI), isolation from friends, family or other adults (often because said boyfriend is doing the isolating), or trouble doing things that enable life goals like getting through college or finishing an important project because Mr. Wonderful sabotages those efforts.

By no means do I feel it is impossible for any man to be a good guy in relationships with an age gap. ... I’m also all too aware – as is every reproductive health and teen advocacy group worldwide – that the rule, rather than the exception, is that your older boyfriend is more likely to be bad news than good. And the younger you are, the more statistically likely it is that your older partner is going to spell major league disaster for you...

that guy.
...I feel like he chose you because he thinks you can be convinced he’s as good as you’re going to get: when the truth is that you are the one who is as good as HE is going to get. I feel like dating someone as smart, gorgeous, fabulous and awesome as you are is something he does in part to make himself feel more important than he actually is. I feel like he thinks it’s okay to use you to make others think better of him than he actually deserves. I feel like he chose you because he thinks “getting” you is an achievement all about him, not a partnership about both of you.

I feel like he chose you because he thinks that he can be held to lower standards by you than someone closer to his age would hold him to...

One reason I get so deeply angry is that I am tired of watching your “mature” boyfriend turn you into a statistic, like one of these:

  • ...A recent study found that 6.7 percent of women aged 15-17 have partners six or more years older. The pregnancy rate for this group is 3.7 times as high as the rate for those whose partners are no more than two years older ...When the age separation of the male is at least six years older, the 15 to 17 year old female is almost three times as likely to be one of those who later became counted as a teen pregnancy ...Teens who date older partners have a lower likelihood of consistent contraceptive use. For each year a partner is older than the respondent, the likelihood of always using contraception decreases by 11 percent...
  • Younger and foreign-born teens, with lower parent education ...had greater odds of having a first sexual experience with an older partner than with a similar-aged partner...
  • Ten percent of females and 2% of males has had early sex with an older partner. These females were [twice as] likely to acquire an STD as young adults than were those whose riskiest relationship was before age 16 with a similar-aged partner...
  • Compared with teenagers whose first partner had been roughly their age, the 35% of adolescents with an older partner had been younger at first intercourse (13.8 years vs. 14.6) and less likely to use a condom at first intercourse (63% vs. 82%)...
  • Women with older partners were more likely to have reported that they had been forced to have sex at some time in their lives and that they had first intercourse in more casual relationships rather than long-term relationships...Young women who had ever been forced to have sex were twice as likely as those who had not to have a partner who was 3-5 years older..."

https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/why-i-deeply-dislike-your-older-boyfriend

Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend

He may be older but he’s not wiser, and he’s not acting like a grownup. He doesn’t want to grow up, which is part of why he’s dating people he perceives as not grownup themselves. He also doesn’t have the bad stuff that happens to you because of him ha...

https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/why-i-deeply-dislike-your-older-boyfriend

RubySquid · 08/11/2025 15:57

merryhouse · 08/11/2025 13:08

I'm not really offering an opinion here (I was one of the prissy teenagers who looked down my nose at the girls with older boyfriends, and my parents started going out when they were 16 and 23...) but I have to take issue with people saying they couldn't possibly meet socially.

I'm in three different hobby groups which theoretically are open to all ages (the particular choir and tower don't have any under-18s at the moment, but both have had in the past, of both sexes). Anyone could start any of the hobbies at almost any age or stage of life, so skill/seniority could go either way (the third group has adult beginners and an assistant leader who's still in 6th form, for example).

My DD met her husband through work - in the RAF!!!

BadgernTheGarden · 08/11/2025 16:02

A friend of mine's son was dating a 14 year old when he was 21. I said I thought it a bit off, but she thought it was fine. To me a boy in his 20s is almost certainly thinking about physical relations and a 14 year old shouldn't be and is too immature to be involved with someone much more adult.

SoMuchMore · 08/11/2025 16:03

I think it’s creepy af and would stay away from him. My son is 22 and there is no way he would be interested in 16 year old girls, they’re children, the age of his sister and her friends.

weericky · 08/11/2025 16:03

BadgernTheGarden · 08/11/2025 16:02

A friend of mine's son was dating a 14 year old when he was 21. I said I thought it a bit off, but she thought it was fine. To me a boy in his 20s is almost certainly thinking about physical relations and a 14 year old shouldn't be and is too immature to be involved with someone much more adult.

The boy in his 20s was a MAN

Seasidegrandma · 08/11/2025 16:16

I was 17 he was 26, we've been married for 52 years

EmeraldRubyPearl · 08/11/2025 17:20

We were rather concerned when our 19 year old started dating a 15 year old.... In some ways he was immature (first relationship) and she was mature for her age, but that didn't change the fact that legally he was a man and she was a child. His father laid down the law about the need for her parents to know where they were going and when they'd be back.....she tired of him after about 18 months.

ultraviolet4753 · 09/11/2025 03:14

Icanneverthinkofaname · 07/11/2025 22:59

Grim. How do you feel about this looking back on it now you're a mature adult? I hope you're ok.

I should clarify we are still very happily married, been together nearly 24 years.

SplendidUtterly · 09/11/2025 03:23

In the 80's and 90's this happened a lot.
We know better now.
I am sure us girls who were in high-school in the 90's remember men in their 20's showing interest in us.
So wrong by todays standards.

SplendidUtterly · 09/11/2025 03:39

MightyGoldBear · 08/11/2025 09:43

It's never women in their 20s wanting to date 16 year old boys Is it.

Awful isn't it.
Imagine finding out your 16 y/o son is seeing a 22 y/o woman.
Not many mothers would be happy with that scenario at all.