To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

[Corall]

It was a family member. They are married now. It was the 16 year olds first relationship, she had only just turned 16, doing her GCSEs.
I find it off putting, makes me think badly of the man. He’s always been controlling.
But others think it was fine. AIBU to want to avoid him?

Never the other way round is it?

Yes it's creepy.

I was working summer jobs at 13 doing fruit picking at a local farm, had a weekend job in Dunelm at 15 then at 16 got an evening job at a call centre while I was doing my A-levels. I agree with you, I can never really understand when people on here say that 16 is too young to get a part time job. It’s a great way to learn responsibility and start your assertions some independence and sets you up well for understanding and managing finances when you do go off to uni or move out as an adult.

The jobs thing is a wholly different point though. I agree thar its unnecessarily hard for teenagers to find work.

But having a weekend job as a teenager is a whole other ballgame from having a sexual relationship with an adult male who could easily get you pregnant or be abusive.

They are immature that's why

I was talking of 16 year olds will fill time jobs not at school which was normal when I was that age.

It clearly was the right decision for them though. They are very, very happy, have a few children that are all happy, successful etc. There's nothing to change about their decision to be together. It was definitely the right one.

Plus this was in the 80s, not the 60s.

Seems like none of your business and like you're trying to imply something terrible

lol

'I hope you're ok'!!!

@Financeisfun fair enough but I still don’t think its an optimal way to start a relationship.

It's a bit inappropriate and the fact he's controlling is a big red flag. I did have male friends of about 21 and my mate dated a 21 yo when we were 16 though. This was in the 90s.

I'd would question the qualities of a man in his 20s wanting to date a 16 yo now though.

It depends on the situation, and I think from what you've said, you're wrong here.

In the 1990s some of my friends left school at 16 and went into apprentices and jobs where they would have been on the "shop floor" equivalent as those in their early 20s. A number went on to marry those they worked with and most have stayed together. They were clearly love matches, with neither pressurising the other.

In today's culture 16 is a school child, with two years of education to go, and 22 a graduate, or been in work 4 years, there is a difference - same as you notice a difference in behaviour of the 4yo at preschool and a 4yo at school, because they are in different phases of life.

But in those days, no, they were very much the same level.

And it does depend on the relationship and personalities too. When I was at uni one of the girls got engaged to a 47yo. Some of us had parents the same age, and we did feel weird about it.
But again, it was a love match, and I can tell you who wore the trousers in that relationship, and she was very happy. And when we met him, they were well suited.

I think people need to remember that when we judge our parents and grandparents by the standards we see today, that our children and grandchildren will also be judging us by their standards - and probably finding us wanting too.

@RubySquid

I know you were talking about people in jobs.

But the point is a 16 year old girl with a job without qualifications who gets knocked up is not going to have great prospects for work, particularly if the boy/man she gets knocked up by doesn’t stick around.

A woman of 18 with A levels and maybe a couple of years work experience or a 22 year old with a degree is likely to be in a better position to look after herself if the relationship didn’t work out.

I also think that if women become pregnant in their teens they are missing out on a huge amount of opportunities and experience which massively limits them. So all in all its not a good place to be in.

A bloke who wants to be with a girl at such a vulnerable age doesn’t have her best interests at heart. It’s trye may be shy and immature as opposed to actively predatory (although I think a lot of blokes who date younger women are quite predatory). But either way it’s a burden and a distraction the girl doesn’t need and why would he think its a good idea to go after her?

I’m not naive, I know it was normal way back then but that was also an era when girls and women faced massive discrimination at work and had little power in their marriages. Just because it was normal doesn’t mean it was good.

If my daughter aged 16 was in a relationship with a man six years older than her I would think very poorly of him and would do as much as I could to discourage it.

On IG there is a 'mummy' blogger who met her Husband when she was 13 and him 24 - he was helping out at her camping trip. They stayed together (apparently managed to resist each other until she was 16), married and now had 2 kids. She married at 21 and it absolutely baffles me that nobody seems to have noticed (including her) that he groomed her. Even her parents don't seem to mind (maybe because he is wealthy it makes a difference). I find it very disturbing that he is basically a paedophile with two young children.

When I was 16 I, like the majority of my friends, was working full time. Lots of us had older boyfriends. I wasn’t groomed. Some of my friends got married to these boyfriends, are still together 50 years later and have had happy marriages. Just because you think it’s wrong doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone.

Not ideal but at 16 you are over the age of consent. I don’t see it as any different to a 35 year old dating a 21 year old (which is also wrong imo)

It seems to be the expectation these days for teenage girls only to date teenage boys. It really didn't used to be. The general age gap was 4 years, with the man invariably the older one. Most of my friends at 16, including me, were dating 20 year olds. In fact most of us later got married to them. It would've been considered a bit weird to date a 16 year old boy. My mum dated my dad when she was 16 and he was 21 and my brother dated his future wife when she was 17 and he was 21. It was standard practice. Is it really considered inappropriate now?

Why should she be ," knocked up," though. Contraception is available for free in this country you know.

18 is an adult 16 is not

Where have I said its unacceptable for a 16 year old to have a job. 16 year olds absolutely should have a weekend job

So now you are an adult with life experience do you never think ‘WTF’?

How would you feel if your 16 year old brought an almost 30 year old round for tea?

I would be utterly horrified. Weird that you still think it’s ok.

Normally wouldn't see a problem. All this 'paedophile' nonsense went too far, seriously. A 22 year old is hardly and old, letchy man and 16 year old is not a tiny child to me, whatever anyone may say. A 22 attarcted to a 16 year old is not attracted to her for the same reasons a paedo would be attracted to a 5 year old.

I dated plenty of 20-somethings in my mid-late teens and still don't see any problem. None of them coerced me, abused me or forced me to do anything, it was mutual.

However, marrying one? Nah. That would be a no. Not because of his age, she'd be 30 and him 36 later, hardly a massive scandal. But 16 and marrying a few years later is too early.

It is a bit weird yeah. Especially considering that a 22yo and a 16yo (should be) in completely different phases of life.
It is less of an issue if both were older, say she was 25, and he was 31, and even less problematic if she's 30 and he's 36.

But there is a definitely imbalance of power when one is still very much a teenager.

But if they're older now, married, and happy, then fair play to them. Not really your concern.

I knew a couple who had a similar age difference at similar ages. They are now married, in their middle-40s, with 3 kids.

@Corall Yesterday 22:33

6 year gap, is a bit more than 4 though? It’s just useful to hear others views - I can’t talk about it to anyone irl

Why do you need to 'talk about it in real life to anyone?' It's none of your business.