To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

[Corall]

It was a family member. They are married now. It was the 16 year olds first relationship, she had only just turned 16, doing her GCSEs.
I find it off putting, makes me think badly of the man. He’s always been controlling.
But others think it was fine. AIBU to want to avoid him?

It’s disgusting.

Jonathan Ross started going out with his wife when she was 16 and he was 26, they married 2 years later and are still married. Do all the hysterical people on here think he is a paedophile?

I have some good friends who met when she was 17 and he was 27. They carried on their relationship while she went to university and married when she was about 25, have been married for over 35 years.

Before ID was required for pubs and clubs it was really normal for 16 year old girls to go to those places to socialise. I went to an all girls school and in sixth form we almost all went out clubbing and pubs and bars from 16. It's easy for 16 year old girls to look older when they're dressed up and wearing make up. That meant we often met older men because there was no way 16 year old boys in general looked older so they were never allowed in or didn't bother trying. So we were meeting men who were at least 18 if not older and so it was normal to have older boyfriends at that age, especially as we didn't meet boys through school.

I think it's utterly wrong and I am seriously worried about posts like this that justify the whole thing on the basis that it was common years ago and some relationships forged this way are still going. We know better now and understand a lot more about power dynamics, abuse and how girls in particular were exploited in these kinds of relationships.

Someone who has just turned 16 was a child a few months ago. The age of consent is obviously a tricky balance between not wanting to criminalise young people around the same age wanting to experiment and to protect young people from older adults looking to exploit them.

Someone who is 16 would have just finished their GCSEs and aren't allowed to vote, leave education, drink alcohol or drive. What on earth is a 22 year old who has been able to do all these things for years and has potentially completed their A levels and university and living as a fully fledged adult have in common with someone that is basically a child?

I'm from the era you describe in your post and it was exploitative and disgusting on reflection. Why on earth weren't these men chasing after women their own age? Why were they targeting kids? It's sick that you are defending it

This. Some very outdated views on this thread.

I was 16 in the mid 2000s and even then it would have been unusual to date someone in their 20s.

You think it's sick and wrong whereas I don't. Both points of view are valid. At 16 people used to be able to work full time, get married, join the army. So I can't see the problem with a 16 year old going out with a 22 year old. It's hardly the same as a 16 year old going out with a 32 or 42 year old.

There's no guarantee that someone having a relationship with a person within a year of their age is going to be treated wonderfully is there? Abusive relationships happen between people of the same age. Some 16 year olds are mature and sensible, others aren't, the same as some 22 year olds aren't.

I was a teenager in the 80s. This was quite normal back then. People got married and had their children very young, usually before they were 20. My Careers Master told me that I shouldn't worry about uni, what I needed was a nice little office job to tide me over until I settled down and had a family. I was in the top stream for everything too, god only knows what he said to the girls in the lower sets.

I dated a 22 year old when I was 16, I turned 17 a few weeks later.

stayed together 2 years. He was respectful and kind. Nothing in appropriate or weird I was just a lot older than my years. I never dated anyone in my school.

I can see why it’s a little odd, but it depends entirely on the situation.

I am now married to someone 8 years older

No, both points of view aren't valid. This is about child protection. A 16 year old is legally a child and will be so for two more years. The fact you think that a full blown adult in their 20s can legitimately have a sexual and romantic relationship with a child is just wrong.

We had it wrong in the past regarding 16 year olds and how society perceived them. We know now about how the brain develops and that 16 year old brains are nowhere near fully developed. I remember being 16 and feeling that I knew everything and was super mature but ironically that was a sign of my immaturity. This is why we need laws to protect people of this age. They are much more likely to be vulnerable to exploitation than adults. Nobody is safe from abuse, but pairing a child with an adult in their 20s in what is supposed to be an equal relationship is obviously hugely problematic. The opportunity for a power imbalance is enormous as the 22 year old is far more likely to have more experience, maturity and money on their side.

16 year olds can't marry or join the army without parental consent. They can't operate a meat slicer. They can't drive. They can't vote. They can't drink alcohol or play the lottery. They can't do any of these things because they are a legal child. Yet you're telling me that they should be in sexual relationships with 22 year old men and that the reasons why the law doesn't let them do any of the other things don't apply to this. I'm sorry but I find your views scary.

I remember ages 19 at uni thinking anyone having a relationship with a 16 yo was a creep. We all changed so much in those years. So yeah 22 is weird af.

I think there is a bit of cognitive dissonance going on. It was accepted and normalised in the past and most of us will have experience of relationships of this nature. To realise that even the nice and seemingly harmless ones were rooted in abuse and predatory intention is hard to process.

When you look back though there is no other explanation as to why 20 plus year old men were interested in children. What do they see in such young girls that they couldn't get from women their own age?

I was 16 and my DH was 21 when we met. We've been together 25ish years now. There was never an imbalance in maturity levels. I was absolutely never taken advantage of or controlled in any way. We're equals in every way and always have been.

I'd just about finished school when we met, and we met in an adult environment as my friends were mostly older than I was. It wouldn't have been clear or obvious that I was only 16 either.

Very common up to the mid 2000s in my experience. I was 17 when I meet my ex & he was 22 in the late 90s. Nothing abusive, he didnt take advantage of me & we were together for 3 years. Stayed friends & he attended my wedding a few years after we split up.

My DC however couldn't believe it when me & DH were talking about relationships we had before we got together. They were both 15/16 at the time & kept telling me id been groomed! I certainly hadn't (i was the more mature one in our relationship) but they were & still are, now insistent about it.

DH knows my ex & he agrees with me that this wasn't grooming (we meet at a club which id managed to get in underage) & was very normal in his circle of friends in the 90s too.

Pretty much all my friends had similar relationship at the same ages.

I dont think it would be considered appropriate now but it used to be & it wasn't an issue for me but accept that it may have been different in other relationships.

If your relatives seem happy I'd leave it at that.

I was 16 when I got into a relationship with a 25 year old. That was 15 years ago and we are now married with 2 kids.

It wadnt that ling afo that most 16 year olds were working.

Yeah this wasn't usual for 2010!

My parents met at 17 and 25, married when mum was 21. Still totally devoted after 64 years together. Works for some but I’d be wary these days if it was my daughter.

I'm sorry this happened to you

why are you sorry? He’s my husband and we have two children there is nothing to be sorry about, no amount of abuse happened no matter what you are thinking.

I was 19 in 2010 and at university the idea of dating a 16/17 back wt school was creepy.

Not a paedophile, no, but definitely not ok. We have learned a lot since those days and it’s quite saddening to see someone using ‘they are still together’ as some sort of measure that the behaviour was ok. It wasn’t.

You picked a really weird example there too with JR, he is hardly a shining example of a good man, is he?

Sadly one is expected to accept whatever is the popular prejudice on MN, many members will never have a long happy marriage and seem jealous of those who achieve it. These super mums have generally raised a generation in perpetual infancy, they refuse to realise that their off spring is an adult at 18 and they can't legally interfere in their lives but we are forever reading where mummy is battling landlords and so on about contracts their adult offspring has signed. It seems that the MN-acceptable age difference is about 5 minutes!

Not a paedophile, no, but definitely not ok.
What makes people like you the arbiter of what's 'OK'?

The law, 16 is a child.

If your 16 year old child met and wanted to date a 29 year old, you genuinely wouldn’t think that 29 year old was predatory and inappropriate? Really?

By ‘people like me’ you mean sensible adults that think 26 year old men having relationships with 16 year olds is wrong?

OK, but we all know why these men choose ‘just legal’ children to have sex with, don’t we?