Page 14 | To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

Corall · 2025-11-07T22:17:22+00:00

It was a family member. They are married now. It was the 16 year olds first relationship, she had only just turned 16, doing her GCSEs. I find it off putting, makes me think badly of the man. He’s always been controlling. But others think it was fine. AIBU to want to avoid him?

SpaceRaccoon · 12/11/2025 13:22

Marshmallow4545 · 12/11/2025 13:18

Not all 16 year olds are on the other side of puberty at all. It is totally normal to still be in puberty when you're 16 or 17. Some 16 year olds really do look like little children. This whole discussion is making me feel a bit sick to be honest. Who does it service to have these children viewed as adults and therefore ripe for sexual exploitation?

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I'm certainly not pushing for teens to be exploited, I agree it's probably better if they don't date far outside their own age group given the potential vulnerabilites.

I just think it's extremely rude (and inaccurate) to call happily married women's husbands paedophiles - it completely ignores that different eras have different social norms as well.

Marshmallow4545 · 12/11/2025 13:38

SpaceRaccoon · 12/11/2025 13:22

I'm certainly not pushing for teens to be exploited, I agree it's probably better if they don't date far outside their own age group given the potential vulnerabilites.

I just think it's extremely rude (and inaccurate) to call happily married women's husbands paedophiles - it completely ignores that different eras have different social norms as well.

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Do you think an 50 year old man marrying a 10 year old girl is a paedophile? What if it's the social norm in that country and completely legal. What if they go on to stay married for decades afterwards?

Don't you see how thin this argument is?

Buxusmortus · 12/11/2025 19:54

SpaceRaccoon · 12/11/2025 13:15

It's quite a recent trend to refer to 16 year olds as children though. They're not little children, they're the other side of puberty.
Again no I wouldn't love it if my teen daughter had a twenty-something but it's a completely different scenario to an actual paedophile.

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Good to hear some sense spoken here.

The way posters such as @anytipswelcome, @Marshmallow4545 and @weericky are saying a 16 year old having consensual sex with a 20something year old is paedophilia is both ridiculous and extraordinarily offensive, not to the couple, but to actual children who have been abused by paedophiles.

There is no way that a man having sex with a 9, 10, 12 year old is remotely like a man having consensual sex with a 16 year old, and it is disgusting and wrong to suggest that it is. That is why the age of consent is 16 in this country, not 12 or 13 as it is is some countries. In several civilised European countries it's actually 15.

I have known lots of 16 year olds, girls and boys, yet have never known a 16 year old girl who hasn't gone through puberty and physically still looks like a child, yet I have known plenty of 16 year old boys who do. It is very unusual for a 16 year old girl not to have gone through puberty and in fact it's recommended if a girl hasn't started breast development by 13 or periods by 15 that medical advice should be sought.

So men who are attracted to 16 year olds are attracted to someone with an adult female body, not a prepubescent one, which means they are not paedophiles. However much some posters like to call such men paedophiles they are utterly wrong. People may think it's unsavoury, but in no way is it paedophilia and you diminish the experiences of victims of paedophiles by conflating a 16 year old's consensual sexual experiences with the rape of an actual child.

weericky · 12/11/2025 20:56

Buxusmortus · 12/11/2025 19:54

Good to hear some sense spoken here.

The way posters such as @anytipswelcome, @Marshmallow4545 and @weericky are saying a 16 year old having consensual sex with a 20something year old is paedophilia is both ridiculous and extraordinarily offensive, not to the couple, but to actual children who have been abused by paedophiles.

There is no way that a man having sex with a 9, 10, 12 year old is remotely like a man having consensual sex with a 16 year old, and it is disgusting and wrong to suggest that it is. That is why the age of consent is 16 in this country, not 12 or 13 as it is is some countries. In several civilised European countries it's actually 15.

I have known lots of 16 year olds, girls and boys, yet have never known a 16 year old girl who hasn't gone through puberty and physically still looks like a child, yet I have known plenty of 16 year old boys who do. It is very unusual for a 16 year old girl not to have gone through puberty and in fact it's recommended if a girl hasn't started breast development by 13 or periods by 15 that medical advice should be sought.

So men who are attracted to 16 year olds are attracted to someone with an adult female body, not a prepubescent one, which means they are not paedophiles. However much some posters like to call such men paedophiles they are utterly wrong. People may think it's unsavoury, but in no way is it paedophilia and you diminish the experiences of victims of paedophiles by conflating a 16 year old's consensual sexual experiences with the rape of an actual child.

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I said these men were disgusting, depraved and utterly vile, but not once did I say they were paedophiles so please so ask MN to remove the tag of my name to correct your post.

Buxusmortus · 12/11/2025 23:12

weericky · 12/11/2025 20:56

I said these men were disgusting, depraved and utterly vile, but not once did I say they were paedophiles so please so ask MN to remove the tag of my name to correct your post.

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You may not have used the word paedophile but in reference to a poster who had been married for 22 years and met her husband when she was 16, this is what you wrote:

We are discussing the point where a grown man is attracted to a child.

In anyone's book a grown man being attracted to a child is paedophilia. So that's what you meant even if you didn't use the actual word. I do not know any other word which you could have used which means an adult being attracted to a child.

So no, I won't ask for the tag of your name to be removed. If you say things then you should own them.

anytipswelcome · 12/11/2025 23:24

weericky · 12/11/2025 20:56

I said these men were disgusting, depraved and utterly vile, but not once did I say they were paedophiles so please so ask MN to remove the tag of my name to correct your post.

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Ditto, I never called them paedophiles so really don’t appreciate it being stated that I did. It’s a lie, one I’d appreciate being retracted.

OonaStubbs · 12/11/2025 23:46

Men who are attracted to teenagers aren't paedophiles, there's another word for it, I can't remember what it is.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 13/11/2025 06:40

OonaStubbs · 12/11/2025 23:46

Men who are attracted to teenagers aren't paedophiles, there's another word for it, I can't remember what it is.

Ephebophilia.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 13/11/2025 06:43

Buxusmortus · 12/11/2025 23:12

You may not have used the word paedophile but in reference to a poster who had been married for 22 years and met her husband when she was 16, this is what you wrote:

We are discussing the point where a grown man is attracted to a child.

In anyone's book a grown man being attracted to a child is paedophilia. So that's what you meant even if you didn't use the actual word. I do not know any other word which you could have used which means an adult being attracted to a child.

So no, I won't ask for the tag of your name to be removed. If you say things then you should own them.

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There are different words to describe men attracted to pre, pubescent and post puberty children. All though are still children. And the length of marriage is irrelevant and just a weird point for people to keep making. If you are groomed from being pubescent, of course you are going to have fewer options to leave.

weericky · 13/11/2025 07:17

Buxusmortus · 12/11/2025 23:12

You may not have used the word paedophile but in reference to a poster who had been married for 22 years and met her husband when she was 16, this is what you wrote:

We are discussing the point where a grown man is attracted to a child.

In anyone's book a grown man being attracted to a child is paedophilia. So that's what you meant even if you didn't use the actual word. I do not know any other word which you could have used which means an adult being attracted to a child.

So no, I won't ask for the tag of your name to be removed. If you say things then you should own them.

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I stand by what I said, but you don’t get to put words into my mouth. You have twisted things around to suggest I was calling these men paedophiles despite saying yourself that 16 year olds are post puberty so therefore these men are not paedophiles. Have a think about that because you can’t have it both ways. A 16 year olds is however, in the eyes of the law, a child, so yes I was talking about grown men being attracted to children. That is what they are.

I own absolutely every word I have written on this threads, but ‘those men are paedophiles’ are words I I did NOT write.

Perfect28 · 13/11/2025 07:23

@ultraviolet4753that's really grim. How can you respect him?

Marshmallow4545 · 13/11/2025 10:06

Buxusmortus · 12/11/2025 19:54

Good to hear some sense spoken here.

The way posters such as @anytipswelcome, @Marshmallow4545 and @weericky are saying a 16 year old having consensual sex with a 20something year old is paedophilia is both ridiculous and extraordinarily offensive, not to the couple, but to actual children who have been abused by paedophiles.

There is no way that a man having sex with a 9, 10, 12 year old is remotely like a man having consensual sex with a 16 year old, and it is disgusting and wrong to suggest that it is. That is why the age of consent is 16 in this country, not 12 or 13 as it is is some countries. In several civilised European countries it's actually 15.

I have known lots of 16 year olds, girls and boys, yet have never known a 16 year old girl who hasn't gone through puberty and physically still looks like a child, yet I have known plenty of 16 year old boys who do. It is very unusual for a 16 year old girl not to have gone through puberty and in fact it's recommended if a girl hasn't started breast development by 13 or periods by 15 that medical advice should be sought.

So men who are attracted to 16 year olds are attracted to someone with an adult female body, not a prepubescent one, which means they are not paedophiles. However much some posters like to call such men paedophiles they are utterly wrong. People may think it's unsavoury, but in no way is it paedophilia and you diminish the experiences of victims of paedophiles by conflating a 16 year old's consensual sexual experiences with the rape of an actual child.

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The majority of girls finish puberty between the ages of 15-17. If every single 16 year old girl you have ever met has finished puberty then you are a statistical anamoly.

Has any poster actually said that these men are paedophiles? Personally I think it's a very grey area. When does a child become a woman? Lots of 16 year olds don't have fully developed adult female bodies and even if they did, this is a really dodgy way of determining whether it's acceptable to have sex with a girl. Many children experience early puberty and have so called 'adult' bodies.

I think the fact we have plummeted to these depths just proves it's hugely problematic for a man that has undoubtedly completed puberty many years ago to take a sexual interest in a 16 year old child.

I can only assume that you desperately want to defend this behaviour because of what happened to your daughter and your need as a parent to believe that this was totally fine. All I can say is I would never allow what you did and my parents absolutely wouldn't have allowed it either. I am probably of the same generation as your daughter and remember thinking these creepy older men chasing after me when I were 16 were predatory losers even back then. Times were already changing from just a decade or so earlier.

Perfect28 · 13/11/2025 13:53

I'm genuinely so shocked by the people defending this behaviour.

BootMaker · 15/11/2025 00:25

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/11/2025 13:28

The below [condensed] article has been making the rounds for years because of exactly the issues PPs are raising. It was written in 2008 for women and girls under the age of 24. Millenials had the advantage of reading this and similar articles and being warned. THIS is why they - especially girls/young women - are deeply suspicious of age-gap relationships. And they are right.

"There doesn’t seem to be a week that passes at Scarleteen where we’re not helping a user who is in some kind of crisis – and often a whopper – with an older male partner : pressured sex or sexual abuse , a pregnancy scare (usually due to the guy having any and every reason why other guys can use condoms, but he’s the great exception to every rule), a newly-acquired STI (again with the condom refusals, sometimes paired with lies about testing and sexual history), an abusive relationship (and often combined with a pregnancy scare, pregnancy or STI), isolation from friends, family or other adults (often because said boyfriend is doing the isolating), or trouble doing things that enable life goals like getting through college or finishing an important project because Mr. Wonderful sabotages those efforts.

By no means do I feel it is impossible for any man to be a good guy in relationships with an age gap. ... I’m also all too aware – as is every reproductive health and teen advocacy group worldwide – that the rule, rather than the exception, is that your older boyfriend is more likely to be bad news than good. And the younger you are, the more statistically likely it is that your older partner is going to spell major league disaster for you...

that guy.
...I feel like he chose you because he thinks you can be convinced he’s as good as you’re going to get: when the truth is that you are the one who is as good as HE is going to get. I feel like dating someone as smart, gorgeous, fabulous and awesome as you are is something he does in part to make himself feel more important than he actually is. I feel like he thinks it’s okay to use you to make others think better of him than he actually deserves. I feel like he chose you because he thinks “getting” you is an achievement all about him, not a partnership about both of you.

I feel like he chose you because he thinks that he can be held to lower standards by you than someone closer to his age would hold him to...

One reason I get so deeply angry is that I am tired of watching your “mature” boyfriend turn you into a statistic, like one of these:

...A recent study found that 6.7 percent of women aged 15-17 have partners six or more years older. The pregnancy rate for this group is 3.7 times as high as the rate for those whose partners are no more than two years older ...When the age separation of the male is at least six years older, the 15 to 17 year old female is almost three times as likely to be one of those who later became counted as a teen pregnancy ...Teens who date older partners have a lower likelihood of consistent contraceptive use. For each year a partner is older than the respondent, the likelihood of always using contraception decreases by 11 percent...

Younger and foreign-born teens, with lower parent education ...had greater odds of having a first sexual experience with an older partner than with a similar-aged partner...

Ten percent of females and 2% of males has had early sex with an older partner. These females were [twice as] likely to acquire an STD as young adults than were those whose riskiest relationship was before age 16 with a similar-aged partner...

Compared with teenagers whose first partner had been roughly their age, the 35% of adolescents with an older partner had been younger at first intercourse (13.8 years vs. 14.6) and less likely to use a condom at first intercourse (63% vs. 82%)...

Women with older partners were more likely to have reported that they had been forced to have sex at some time in their lives and that they had first intercourse in more casual relationships rather than long-term relationships...Young women who had ever been forced to have sex were twice as likely as those who had not to have a partner who was 3-5 years older..."

https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/why-i-deeply-dislike-your-older-boyfriend

That is a terrible article.

Women do have agency. Even women who were born in the 70's or earlier.

We have agency.

We always have.

Articles like that, I get them, I understand.

But fuck off with pregnancy scares and STIs.

You're not passive with your sexuality.

Look.

If you choose to have sex with blokes, you might get pregnant or diseased.

So

It's your body.

I stopped reading that article after a while.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 15/11/2025 09:34

BootMaker · 15/11/2025 00:25

That is a terrible article.

Women do have agency. Even women who were born in the 70's or earlier.

We have agency.

We always have.

Articles like that, I get them, I understand.

But fuck off with pregnancy scares and STIs.

You're not passive with your sexuality.

Look.

If you choose to have sex with blokes, you might get pregnant or diseased.

So

It's your body.

I stopped reading that article after a while.

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"If you choose to have sex with blokes, you might get pregnant or diseased."

You seem to have missed the point of not only the article but also this thread. When a girl is young, and a man is preying on her, he has all the advantages: she's too young to know he's a predator, she's too young to resist his manipulations, she doesn't feel able to say no when he insists he won't wear condoms. These men go for young women/girls BECAUSE of these advantages. And they also particularly prey on young women/girls who are from poor backgrounds with little family stability or support, or who live in households filled with male violence, or who were abandoned by their fathers. These men choose young women/girls who can be easily victimised.

You blaming young women and girls for these men coercing and tricking them into unprotected sex is really shameful.