To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

[Corall]

It was a family member. They are married now. It was the 16 year olds first relationship, she had only just turned 16, doing her GCSEs.
I find it off putting, makes me think badly of the man. He’s always been controlling.
But others think it was fine. AIBU to want to avoid him?

This. It’s not always an abuse of power. Depends entirely on the two people involved.

A man aged 29 grooming a schoolgirl half his age is absolutely grim, I’m afraid.

That’s not what paedophilia is

In the 90s it was normal. All the lads I went out with were much older. Girls looked adult at 16- they’d finished growing. Boys were still pretty childish.

The men I dated were really respectful- it was much slower paced than dating now. I didn’t have sex with any of them.

The man I married was the closest in age to me that I ever dated, and someone commented they thought he was a bit young for me.

Youngsters have changed such a lot- girls feel younger now and boys feel older!

Reminiscence aside, @Corall , be there for your SiL. Help her keep friendships alive and have a life beyond your brother, if you can. Make sure she knows you have her back.

As the word paedophile is someone who is attracted to pre pubescent children, which a 16 year old obviously isn’t, you are wrong. He was not a paedophile.

I wouldn’t have been remotely interested in a 22 year old at age 16. I was quite a ‘young’ 16 in that I didn’t go to pubs/clubs/drink socially (maybe a cider at a party). I met dh when I was 22 and he’s nearly 4 years older, but 16 and even 20 seems like a much bigger gap than 22 & 26.

Yeah its noncey. Completely normalised at the time and therefore acceptable then but still noncey.

No man who genuinely respects women as equals wants a girl who is barely through puberty as his mate. Blokes who deliberately choose much younger women are less intelligent and worried about a woman challenging them. Why would someone with robust self esteem want to be in a sexual relationship with someone barely out of childhood?

I have always found this gross, even in the 80s and 90s when it was considered natural. I always hated the fact having an older boyfriend was considered a status symbol. Yuck.

Yeah I find it quite grim. An ex of mine married his gf when she was 20, she was 16 when they got together he was 24 (and in teacher training). He left teacher training shortly afterwards.

Yes they have been married over 10 years now but it's still a bit grim!

I wouldn’t call it that, but if they are thinking of school kids they are right that over a year younger is a bit grim - a year 9 boy dating a year 7 girl, or a year 10 girl dating a year 8 boy is obviously unbalanced, because a 12 old vs a 14 year old is obviously a lot lot younger emotionally.

Obviously a 23 year old and 25 year old are much closer in maturity so there’s no issue by that age.

DH and I met when I was 16 and he was 21. Together 30 years, married 25. It might be dodgy, it might be fine. If he's controlling that's not necessarily to do with the age gap.

On the face of it grim, there could be mitigating aggravating factors, but not something I’d want my kids on either side of.

Why do you think you have the right to judg e the perfectly legal relationships of people you don't know?

I met my now husband when I was 16, he was 22, I liked him instantly but the age difference was definitely an issue and we were never in a relationship, however over the next year I left school, left home and matured a lot and made all the running in getting in touch with him again and meeting up as friends then moving it forward into a relationship.

we have been together nearly 40 years however I work with teenagers and the expectations are very different from the 80’s, it was normal to get a job and get a bedsit or leave home really young whereas now children live in the family home much longer and do not have to take on such an adult role until much later.

My mum and dad were those ages when they got together. They are still together now in their 60s and 70s.

It’s perfectly normal to judge situations.

I was another teen who dated someone in their twenties back in the eighties. Never seemed weird then.

However, now I have young adult ds in their twenties, and would probably think differently with the roles reversed…

It's quite common and not something I'd muster an opinion on

That's very odd. Just a thought, perhaps he was gay and wanted a beard?

It is in some places. Girls ca. repeat a year - happens quite often in 6th form and they’re still at school at 19. Child benefit can be paid up til 19

Why is it unacceptable for 16 year olds to have a job though? The infantilism of teenagers is ridiculous. I was a 16 year old in the 80s, certainly wasn't " hard done by"

But with respect to your parents, the length of a marriage doesn’t automatically justify this. People have come through all sorts of awful situations and turned out OK but it doesn’t mean it was the right decision.

Many people are stuck in marriages or don’t leave due to inertia. It isn’t some sort of stamp of quality that they have remained married.

I’m sure there are people who have met at these ages and gone on to have long and happy relationships.

Its a bit like relationships which started as affairs. Sometimes they do work out. But that doesn’t mean they started in an optimal way.

Its not the age gap in itself that’s the problem. Its the fact that a woman of 16 is barely through puberty, her brain is still developing and she’s inexperienced (both sexually and emotionally). A man of 22 who is drawn to that is either seeking to take advantage of her inexperience or he is inexperienced and possibly vulnerable himself.

This was tolerated in earlier times because the impetus for women was to get married as soon as possible to breed. It isn’t something we should support or encourage if we want women to be independent and have a well developed sense of who they are. Passable in the 1960s. Not remotely OK in 2025.

I agree. I'm 65 now, grew up in a very popular seaside town in the north of England. Just about every kid from age 13 onwards had seasonal jobs in hotels, guesthouses etc. It wasnt exactly legal but nobody really bothered. At 16 you were either at college or in a full time job.
Quite a few of my friends age 16/17 had boyfriends of 20/21, nobody thought it was weird or noncy.
Nowadays parents seem to be too heavily involved in the lives of their teens, reading mumsnet tells us that!!
Every other day on Facebook there is a mum asking if anyone has any part time work for a 16/17 year old student. Are these kids no longer capable of looking for work for themselves?

A man of 22 is often at the same maturity level as a girl a few years younger. It's well known that girls mature faster. My DDs husband is 7 years older than her. He's not controlling in the slightest. They met when she was 18. From what he says about when he was younger if he had also been 18 at the time she wouldn't have been with him due to immature behavior on his part

It's never women in their 20s wanting to date 16 year old boys Is it.

I suppose the question for all those who are in/ have had age gap relationships in their teens, would you be absolutely OK with your DD's doing the same.

I can't imagine that now as an adult that you wouldn't see a 23 yr old meeting your 16 yr old at the school gates as a bit dodgy